AND this issue of SkullGame is brought to you by CT Industries.
CT, SPONSORED BY THE UN, FOR PRODUCTS FOR BETTER LIVING THROUGH LOADS.
ITALIAN SAL'S HOLLYWOOD MINUTE WITH: ANGELINA JOLIE
HERE SHE IS SPOTTED AT "THE CAMBODIAN BOY" STORE WHERE, APPARENTLY, ACCORDING TO THE TROLL HOLDING UP HER PAINTING OF A CAT, BOYS WERE ON SALE THAT DAY.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In the most clever sleight of hand ever, actress, whore, humanitarian ANGELINA JOLIE has once again twisted America’s brain to overlook the fact that she is an actress, whore, humanitarian who in reality is mostly just a whore.
In a brilliantly well-choreographed move, Angelina segues from adopting starving dark-skinned foreigners to pushing out her own hell spawn. [Spectacular transition!] Sources close to Jolie, claim that the actress, whore, humanitarian will be giving birth to the “offspring of the infinitely jejeune” as the baby was described by BRAD PITT himself, after he overheard the words "offspring" and "infinitely" and "jejeune" on TV, in early May [the other words he knew himself].
Now, all of America waits with baited breath as memories of Jolie banging Mexican bus boys as her former love BILLY BOB THORNTON looked on, fade quickly from our mind--only to be overshadowed by the reality that the fruit of her loins will one day rise up to ingest copious amounts of narcotics while wondering how it is there are so many “dark-skinned people” about, who are neither mowing lawns nor cleaning kitchens.
Don’t sweat it kid, before you were born we were wondering the same thing.
VICKY VETTE'S HUSBAND, WEARY OF TRYING TO KILL HER, ATTACKS SELF, SUCCESSFULLY, DIES, MORE SUCCESSFULLY
"THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!"
ATLANTA (SkullGame) -- As of 2:30 Sunday afternoon, VICKY VETTE's wife-abusing husband, FRANK, a man with so much to live for, like...his wife feature dancing at Jezebel's in Wichita, Kansas from February 9th - 11th and fielding offers for her first interracial scene throughout February, celebrating Black History Month, with big black cock and the loads contained therein [interested load merchants may contact her at vicky@vickyathome.com]...has died in an apartment of a friend in Atlanta, Georgia.
The death has been ruled a suicide.
In a related note, VICKY will continue with her feature dance schedule as planned.
ITALIAN MAN ATTEMPTS TO TAKE JESUS TO COURT; LOCAL MEXICAN-OWNED CAR DEALERSHIPS RESPOND BY TURNING “CLOSED” SIGNS AROUND AND MILEAGE INDICATORS FORWARD BEFORE EMBARKING ON MONTH-LONG“SIESTAS” THAT SERVE TO EXCUSE WHY THEY WON’T ANSWER OUR PHONECALLS OR SELL US ANY DRUGS AND SHIT.
EMPIRICAL PROOF AGAINST AQUINIAN PHILOSOPHY; AS THEORIZED BY LUIGI CASCIOLI AND CORROBORATED BY…WELL…ALL OF US. EXCEPT STEVIE WONDER OR COURSE, BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE AND SHIT. AND THAT DUMB BROAD MANDI AT THAT HOUSE PARTY LAST WEEKEND, BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T READ A FUCKING PICTURE IF SHE TRIED—UNLESS IT WERE OF A COCK OR A PUPPY DOG, OF COURSE.
ROME (SkullGame)—Luigi Cascioli can’t manage to find Waldo, and is, as SkullGame staffers found out Tuesday afternoon, quite upset about all that. Pacing kinds of upset. Suing kinds of upset. Cutting the heads off of goddamned horses and putting them in our beds kind of upset.
“I a looka a by the carousel. I looka a by the meatball stand. I looka a by the corner where Lucia stands on a night time. I looka a by the Vatican. I looka a everywhere and I a still cannota find that cornuto. That fortutto”, Cascioli exclaimed, talking loudly with his fists, in a candid interview granted to SkullGame reporters.
“I a will take the “church-a-most-high” themself to the court if I a must. There is a no god that would allow such cruelty, of this I am sure”, Cascioli concluded; seemingly oblivious to the fact that he lives in fucking Italy and there is no way in hell this shit is going to fly.
Cascioli’s attorney issued the following formal statement January 4th, “My client started this lawsuit because he wanted to deal the final blow against the Church, the bearer of obscurantism and regression—serving an absentee entity that has demonstrated negligence and lack of compassion and constitution by allowing such frustration to plague my client; first in failing to intervene in the kicking death of Luigi’s trusty burro Ugo—which may or maybe have happened at the feet of the plaintiff—and now in this sick, evil, twisted joke upon mankind.”
“He a is a not there…and a neither is a he”, Cascioli stated on our voicemail after the 23rd phone call we declined from him within the half hour directly after our correspondence.
Local Mexicans replied to the news in a wavering “Que?” To which we responded “Jesus? Going to court? Encarcelar?”
Nationwide people have since reported having a hard time scoring drugs since then; and nobody seems to know where out ’92 Hyundai came from, or why it won’t run anymore even though it supposedly only has 40,000 mi. on it.
A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Feb. 27th in Viterbo, Italy. Priest Enricio Righi is expected to propose that Waldo, like the Holy Son, is everywhere…it’s just Jesus Salazar and his sisters BMX bike…and his child support payments…and our $800 that is nowhere to be found.
ESCAPED DOG SUCKER-OFFER NATASHA LYONNE ON THE LOOSE!!!
"I WILL SUCKER-OFFER YOUR DOG LIKE SOUVLAKI, BABY......"
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- A judge has issued an arrest warrant for American Pie actress NATASHA LYONNE after she failed to appear in court on Friday. The troubled 26-year-old actress is facing a number of charges, including criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing. As well as intent to sucker-off a dog after Lyonne also allegedly threatened to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog during a 2004 altercation.
Friday's hearing in Manhattan Criminal Court was rescheduled after the actress missed several court dates earlier in the week. Mostly on account of the dog sucking thing.
Last week's absence marks the fourth time Lyonne has missed a court date and the third time a bench warrant has been issued for her arrest. For dogs. And sucking.
