HELLO. My name is MIKE GUINGONA. Former mayor of Daly City, California, current Daly City city council member and San Francisco public defender.
I know that’s really impressive. You don’t have to tell me that. So save all of your predictable Filipinos are the niggers of Asia crap. Anyway, I’ve been a SkullGame reader for years now. Between the insightful news briefs, good-natured satires, and of course, trenchant photo documentation, I just can’t get enough. I never realized though, that they accepted contributions from their readers and also ran personal ads. Well, since I’m such a renaissance man within the Filipino community, I thought I’d do something ground breaking and combine the two. So, this is my first entry of what I have coined the “Reader Contribution Personal Ad.” I know it’s a cutting edge hybrid, but I’m sure the educated readers of SkullGame will appreciate my journalistic breakthrough.
FILIPINOS OR PHILLIPINOS?
Before we get started, I’d like to get you more familiar with me though, Mike Guingona. In addition to knowing homosexuals [Gavin Newsom, Rod, the flower shop dude], my other interest and hobbies include knowing a few things about legal statutes [theft, embezzlement, fraud, perjury and well, nevermind]. How do you think I got my Honda Element? Just kidding, just kidding: I only had to convince 500 of my clients to accept a guilty plea even though they were totally innocent. And after I reached the 500 mark, the District Attorneys office got me the Element.
THE ELEMENT IS NOT A GAYMOBILE.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about my wife. Who won't, actually be participating in any of my interpersonal ad activity. I thought that her family was loaded. I know what you're thinking: "just like all other Filipinos, they were lying. Just a lot of fake gold and furniture from Rent-To-Own."
Anyway, this all happened after I got her pregnant and there wasn’t much I could do by that point. I mean I had had to have some people killed back in the 80s, and the whole thing just got way too complicated and stressful of a process. And I promised myself no more hits after that. Anyway, not only is she retarded and poor, but she just isn’t my kind of woman. On that note, I want to tell you about the affair that I’ve been having with a Daly City resident named Vicky. She looks kind of manly. We’ve been keeping it a secret for years now. But you know what? I’m Mike Guingona, former mayor of Daly City and I don’t give a fuck who knows. See you next week.
JUDGE ROY BEAN OVERHEARD TOSSING DOWN THE PROVERBIAL GAVEL AS HOS BECOME TARGET OF JUDICIAL BIAS AND LIFESTYLE-BASED DISCRIMINATION.
IF THIS BITCH HERE, CHUGGING SCHLONG, IS A GODDAMNED CRIME THEN… WELL…IT APPEARS THAT I’M SITTING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE LAW…MUCH TO MY MOTHERFUCKING CHAGRIN…”
ANYTOWN (SkullGame) — DEBRA LA FAVE, a 25-year old former middle-school teacher and constant source of hastily drawn together stick figures furiously humping study hall-wide, was sentenced Tuesday for fleshing out the fantasies of every middle school boy in the entire fucking world minus the burgeoning homosexual that turned her in for, get this, sucking his cock and buying him lots of shit.
The one-time reading teacher, and source of every adolescent male desire ever to be desired, plead guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious battery in an effort to not only avoid prison time but to also escape what could have been a perfectly pleasurable 15-year stint of broomstick penetration and licking women that more closely resemble men than what her supposed “victim” could ever possibly hope to.
Lafave will serve three years house arrest and seven years probation while her ex-husband, Owen Lafave, is sentenced to an entire lifetime of hating his cock and everything that surrounds it for not being able to pleasure her well enough to keep her from fucking 14-year old closeted gay boys.
The original plan, according to Lafave’s attorney John Fitzgibbons (who could hardly muster a coherent sentence with all the finger-sniffing and wry smiles afoot), was for Lafave to attempt an insanity plea until it dawned on him that the only people that are crazy in this world are those that want to label his sainted client as a danger to anything but bedspreads and those unfortunate souls who already had carpal tunnel syndrome before this case went public.
HELPING HANDS. HELPING THEMSELVES. ITALIAN SAL ON SKULLGAME'S SUICIDE HOTLINE
OH. GOD. YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF AND I'M STILL BROKE?!?!
ITALIAN SAL: What happened to you?
stephanie_steinberg: Been workin holic; and you know, Thanksgiving.
ITALIAN SAL: Horrible, I got hit by a car this morning.
stephanie_steinberg: What?
ITALIAN SAL: You going to ignore me?
stephanie_steinberg: Wait. Did you go to the hospital?
ITALIAN SAL: Yes.
stephanie_steinberg: What happened?
ITALIAN SAL: My head hurts.
stephanie_steinberg: What happened?
ITALIAN SAL: My head really hurts. I got hit by a car.
stephanie_steinberg: I know that, but how?
ITALIAN SAL: On the street
stephanie_steinberg: You didn't lose any hair did you?
ITALIAN SAL: Huh?
stephanie_steinberg: What exactly happened?
ITALIAN SAL: I don't exactly know.
YOU SEE, PIZZA IS A LOT LIKE LIFE. AND YOU GETTING ME THAT PIZZA IS ALSO...A LOT LIKE LIFE.
stephanie_steinberg: You got knocked out?
ITALIAN SAL: I thinks so. I will feel much better if you bring some pizza from Arinell. Arinell is on 16 and Valencia. I think some Arinell pizza might bring me back from death's door. Without it realistically, I could die.
stephanie_steinberg: No. You are not dying on me and they would not let you leave the hospital if you were.
ITALIAN SAL: Psychologically, Arinell pizza is exactly what I need.
stephanie_steinberg: I'll get it. OK. Don't do anything crazy
ITALIAN SAL: Don't leave without the pizza. I am very unstable without Arinell pizza
stephanie_steinberg: I swear you are a tough one
ITALIAN SAL: It's the pizza that is keeping me going. Without it I may have given up already. Just knowing I would get some Arinell pizza helped me cling to life. 4 slices of pizza. They don't deliver.
stephanie_steinberg: I'm on my way.
ANGELINA JOLIE GOES NATIVE: HONORARY CAMBODIAN NOW LOOKING TO "NIGGER" IT UP; POL POT NOT IMPRESSED.
"I WON'T TO BE EVERY THING LIKE WHAT THEMS CHING CHONGS IS LIKE," SAID JOLIE IN HONOR OF THE "GREATEST CHINH CHINGS WHAT'S EVER LIVED."
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (SkullGame) -- Hollywood star ANGELINA JOLIE has received a Cambodian passport after being made a citizen of a country whose Gross National Product is what Jolie usually spends on Earl Grey tea and unguents. The Hollywood star can now use it when she visits the native land of her adopted son, Maddox, to troll for the kind of domestic help that only people without shoes can give said Stephan Bognar, executive director of the Maddox Jolie project in Cambodia.
The project, managed by San Francisco-based WildAid, promotes wildlife conservation and community development in a former Khmer Rouge guerrilla stronghold in northwestern Cambodia. Bognar said the actress was "ecstatic and thrilled" last month when he handed her the passport and an official copy of a royal decree giving her Cambodian citizenship. Jolie has donated $1.5 million for the project in the past three years. Parts of Jolie's adventure movie "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" were filmed at Cambodia's famed Angkor Wat temple. It should have won a fucking award.
