Yo Vinnie,
My girlfriend likes the idea of a double penetration but doesn't want to have to deal with all of the "other dude being there" weirdness. So we've settled on a dildo to get the same effect. Question though...does the dildo go in the ass or the other way around? I mean which works better. I ask her and she has no idea either. -- Enquiring Mind (by email)

NO, NO NO, NO!!!...WAIT. OH, ER, OH, NEVERMIND. CARRY ON.

Dear ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND: She has NO idea? I am SURE she has no idea. She's probably not even sure she's GOT an asshole, I mean other than YOU, right? Well, look, it's nobody's fault here but society's. I mean she doesn't want to tell you because it suddenly makes it less "spontaneous." Like discussing putting anything up your ASS would be anything but. But, no never mind, since the issue is not whether she has an idea or not but whether or not YOU can effectively, carefully, and with a sublime degree of sensitivity figure it OUT. Not for HER, but for YOU, you clod. Blow it? And you'll be denied ass access for, um, ever. DON"T blow it and you will be the Ass King for Life. [Generally we hate the "men as mind-reader" school of feminine dudgeon, but in matter sexual, however, do you really want to be instructing the cock sucking through the cock sucking? Probably not, unless you're German or Swiss or something. No. You want them to FIGURE IT OUT. So, same difference here.]

But to your question: everybody's different and so's all we can do is draw on our own experience, which is copious, especially if copious means "lots of hookers." And so what history has shown us is that it's much better to have the dildo be the upper most item on the fuck tree. So if she's on her back, the dildo's in her quim. If she's bent over in front of you, it goes in the ass because in matters of feel, which is what we're talking about here, what FEELS better is frequently just a matter of control. And it's easier for YOU to control that which you can see.

Outside of not switching between ass and quim without a quick wash, we have no cautions.

Plunge ahead, sir!

Yo Vinnie,
At first I just mentioned it casually to my new girlfriend -- "I want to blow a load in your face." There was laughter. Later, I said it again, not so much less forcefully but just to make it clear that I actually wasn't joking. Then she says OK. Then she says NO. Then I tell her if she invites me over I plan on arriving, fucking her and then busting a load in her face. I tell her that I have not had a serious relationship that didn't involve loads on the face. She laughs and says, "come on over." I come on over, and went I move up to drop a load in her face she scoots underneath me. I drop it on the pillow. Now I am upset. I mean I have been clear about this, she's been luring me on, and now I am full blown irked. I mean forget the ass, this is out of the question, and even getting her to suck my dick is a chore because she says she has carpal tunnel syndrome. So next time I go over I make my move, she tries to scoot, I put one knee on her chest and the other on her hair, and drop the load. And now SHE'S angry. I was very clear, she was technically inviting, what's the SkullGame verdict here? -- A Load Late, A Dollar Short (by email)

FROM VINNIE'S CELLPHONE: YET, ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!!!

Dear THE SORROW OF THE LONG DISTANCE LOAD: Have we been here? Boy, have we. Actually, I'm asking: Hey....[all turn to me looking bored, hostile]...have we ever NOT blown loads wherever we wanted with great impunity and with great disregard for race, color, creed or nationality?

The SkullGame consensus seems to be, with the exception of NICKY BALLS, who is waaaaay too sensitive for this kind of action, that FACIAL LOADS are part and parcel of what passes for a normal relationship around here [along with eating ass, drinking girlfriend's piss, and a raft of other disgusting sexual practices]. The reasons for it vary widely though. From liking to come in the mouth because of the way it feels and not being fast enough to make it to the mouth [technically, making the facial load an accident], to liking the visual impact, to enjoying returning the sense of taboo to sex in an age where that's all been obliterated, to having absolutely no inhibitions about anything and not really having thought about it all that much at all. These were all reasons given.

When I asked them to render an opinion on your predickament they all said, "fuck you," and went back to putting up posts on Craigslist for cooze. So it's left up to me and I say this: she was more than wrong for having led you down the primrose path. In her effort to have the cake and the frosting and eating the cake MINUS the frosting too, she played a foolish percentage that you would A] forget or B] be sensitive enough to know that she really didn't want this. Though we should guess that her not guessing at your generally low level of sensitivity was her problem.

But have you considered this: perhaps she NEEDED it to happen like this to absolve her of any responsibility for an act that she found erotic though shameful? I boned a woman who told me that she would never speak to me again if I did this to her. One night on El Camino Real, as I stood in the street and she blew me by the open door of her car I did exactly that. She later repeated her threat and not being able to silence myself I said "what the fuck was that the other night?" And she claimed inebriation and about this we have never spoken again.

Whatever.

You did the right thing, however, this relationship is much more trouble than it is worth because from our unofficial sampling there are only 99 percent of the woman out there who will, in the full spirit of joy and fuck, do exactly what you're having to wrestle this 1 percent of broad into doing now.

The math's on your side, my man.

Yo Vinnie,
This girl I know, had coffee with a couple times, but never got to fuck... wanted to, but didn't... just dropped dead of a fucking heart attack. No warning. Only in her mid-20s. So now, of course, I'll never get to fuck her. Anyway, today was her funeral. But I skipped that to go bang a hooker instead. Does that make me a bad person? -- Regrets, I've Had A Few (by email)

NEVER TOO LATE TO SAY "GOOD BYE."

Dear MR. SINATRA: Bad person? For not going to a funeral to celebrate another piece of pussy you will not be getting??!? What is the point? Really? WHAT would the point be? That's like you having a funeral every time you busted a solo load. "Say a few words over this now-toweled load, sir?" No fucking thanks. Look, I'll tell you like everybody tells me about funerals: they're not for the person who died but for the people still alive who are hurting what on account of their loved one's untimely passing [you ever think of THIS: your myspace page will probably live longer than you]. Which means, somehow, if you think about it, you NOT fucking that hooker and attending her funeral would mean so much to the family of the departed because they really needed to know how their sweet, and now molding, flower of a daughter was loved by you and the great extent to which you were scheming to bust a load in, on or around her anus.

This is precisely the kind of thing needed in a difficult time like this.

So my advice is to take my advice: fuck everybody you can before they die, preferably BEFORE you've invested even TWO cups of coffee in the charade of it even being something else other than cock politics. Only go to funerals of people who have died that you have laid the pipe to. And always tip your hooker [but only for her acceding to sexual acts you suspect she finds personally abhorrent].

Hope this helps.

Yo Vinnie,
I really really want to go to a gangbang. And so does my girlfriend. Not just to watch if you catch my drift. I ain't stupid though and figure we should probably not do this together. Is there a way for me to indulge my kink separately while she does the same in a fairly safe way? And don't tell me "hookers" because I have found NO hookers who will do this. And how do we stage a party for her and guarantee that everybody plays safe? Logistical help needed, please. -- Mike (by email)

LOTS OF MEAT. NOT A LOT OF BUN.

Dear KOOL & THE GANG: You like gangbangs, she likes gangbangs...yup....EVERYBODY likes gangbangs. Until they go to one. But lemme make something real clear here: double or triple teaming some broad is NOT a gangbang. Sure, technically, THREE of you might constitute a GANG. In the same way that an ARMY OF ONE might constitute an ARMY. But make no mistake this is a WHOLEEEEEE other animal than being in a room at the Holiday Inn Express, for example, with 10 other dudes duking down on some broad while the host struts around the room behind you screaming things like "FUCK HER DIRTY HOLE!!! And, oh, WE GOT A COLD CUT PLATTER!!!" or "BLOW YOUR HOT LOADS ON THIS HOT WHORE'S FACE. Oh. And TRY THE FINGER FOODS." And the obligatory attendee of questionable sexual proclivity screams/lisps "SUCK HIS COCK. SUCK IT!!!" [True goddamned story.] My point is this might be an idea that is good in THEORY. Sort of like watching a soccer game. But in practice is the naked face of misery. Which will last until hotel security throws you all out.

Still not dissuaded?

OK...many towns actually HAVE gangbang associations. Men join, men in very much your position, and trade their women in as buy in. And this is where it almost gets interesting: they charge some sort of fee usually. Forty dollars or $200, depending on your frame of mind. You can get yours and trade your old lady in to get hers in a comfortable environment of like-minded individuals who like lots of cocks, and the merest shred of heterosexuality provided by the woman being boned.

Now you can both indulge your kink, slink guiltily back home and tell each other, generally sorta kinda almost the truth about what happened, and rest easy that everything's OK America.

You've been warned.

Yo Vinnie,
In the past month I have been fucked with by no fewer than three angry husbands/boyfriends. For? Varying degrees of involvement with their women. I'm not a fighter. I'm just addicted to OPP. Can these men be reasoned with or do I need to just swear off of sluts? -- Mike The Milkman (by email)

WHEN "PERSONAL TRAINING" GOES VERY, VERY RIGHT.

Dear Me & Mrs. Jones: Nice recall. OPP = a rap band from the early '90s. OPP = Other People's Pussy. Or, god forbid, OPP = Other People's Penises. In any case you got a problem and your problem is: cheese eating pricks whose death grip on the pussy'd have you think that it was a life preserver. Or a fucking cure for cancer. Or the goddamned Hope diamond. And this part of my message is for them: you are sadly mistaken.

And I say, SADLY, because you've mythologized women to such a large and unhealthy degree that you believe the fact that she's freely chosen some other man's penis to make friends with. Repeatedly. And on her chin. Means that you believe you need to give another man grief for that which yourself would gladly be doing if only you weren't in front of our houses with baseball bats.

And this, my cuckolded men friends, is patently INcorrect.

Because when she's out fucking MIKE THE MILKMAN. Repeatedly. And in her butt. You are, of course, free to do the same. NOT with Mike the Milkman, you fucking moron, but with some other slut. Moreover, when YOUR slut returns, riven with guilt like she will be, she'll even let you fuck her in ways that you've never dreamed of. Ways that she just fucked Mike the Milkman, but hey, who's quibbling?

In any case your question: what to do about the raging bulls?

Nothing. Because, you see, it's NOT your problem. YOUR problem is getting laid--where and how much--your problem is not some jealous player hater. So: be prepared to defend yourself, tell no one where you live and stay as far away from her "I'm unhappily married" drama as possible when it doesn't involve her with her pants off.

Thanks for asking.

YO VINNIE,
OK. I've had it and just want to know: what's the deal with Asian chicks? I see you guys going off on them too like they're something special and as a woman who reads your stupid site every now and then I thought I'd ask. -- Curious in Kenosha (by email)

HERE'S A PIC OF THE VERY UNATTRACTIVE SATOMI THAT WE DUMPED YOUR ASS FOR: SEE, HOW FUCKING CONFUSED & STUPID WE ARE?!?! HOW FOOLISH!?!? HOW FUCKING FOX-LIKE? YEAHHHH. WE BET YOU DO.

Dear Angry SkullGame Ex-Girlfriend: OK. We've seen through your subterfuge. The tip-off? The whole "every now and then" bit. You either read SkullGame or you don't, babe, there t'aint no middle ground and just cuz Sal dumped you for a crazy jungle bitch's no reason to go crapping all over the love that men have for Chinee and whatnot broads. But we'll give you what you didn't even know you wanted:

THE DEAL

1) WHITE dudes go out with Asian Broads because it makes them feel like they got big cocks.
2) BLACK dudes go out with Asian Broads because they ain't white broads.
3) ASIAN BROADS go out with white dudes because
a) they think it'll get people to forget that they's Chinkee.
b) they sucker them in with that whole submissive woman thing only to turn around and fuck their white asses like they was in jail. You ever seen those old Chinese ladies elbowing their way past you on the subway with like three plastic grocery bags full of shoes and live fish and shit? Yeah? Where the fuck you think they came from?
4) ASIAN BROADS go out with black dudes because, according to CORNHOLIO, "they likes that black dick."

Now I got a question for you, Kathy: is there anything I can do, you know, loadwise, to help you, you know, overcome the sorrow of being shy a load these days since Sal dumped your ass? By way of giving you a load? Or possibly even a few?

Just curious.

Yo Vinnie,
I'm trying to get my girlfriend to let me fuck her WHILE I use a vibrator in her ass. I think this would feel great to us both, but she says she read somewhere that this is dangerous because I'm likely to pierce the wall separating one place from the other. I say it's NOT dangerous. And you say? -- Double Mint, (by email)

WILL...WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Dear WIN & PLACE: Too many questions unanswered to even begin answering what you have here. I mean has she never ass fucked before? Is your cock big enough to lead her to believe that your ploy to get the buttle is going down a road reasonably less traveled? Or on the psychosociological tip: is this all you've been talking about for the last six months making a total, no pun intended, fucking asshole out of yourself?

Who knows and you haven't answered our repeated requests for elucidation, DAVE DIETRICH, so we'll just have to guess.

Simply put: if you're not a ham-handed fucking stevedore you, using the patented ITALIAN SAL "Gentle Friend" [a carefully inserted digit up the poophole...HERS...not YOURS you idiot], should be able to make ass action an amusing and regular part of your repertoire so that the idea of 8-inches of vibrating plastic doesn't seem so daunting. But is it dangerous? Not if you're not a neanderthal. I, myself, have jammed many an ass whilst fucking many a cooze and have had nary a medical emergency. That's why it's called FUCKING and not STABBING. However, if you say this to her I can guarantee that your success rate will drop to ZERO.

Say this instead: it's absolutely, positively NOT dangerous and I'll give you $48 and a bag of M&Ms if you let me do it to you for my sordid amusements. This, yes, this, should work.

Yo Vinnie,
What's the correct etiquette of response when you make a date with a chick and she doesn't show up? Move on and never contact her again seems the most noble. But, y'know, what if you still wanna fuck her?--P.O. (by email from New Zealand)

AHHH...IT DOESN'T GET MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN THIS

Dear Abby: Well your problem was common and compelling enough that I surveyed SKULLGAME what all on account of me never having actually ever been stood up myself and of course being all hungover and all like I am on Mondays and so I got a veritable panoply of response to your direly dainty predicament: read it and weep.

THE ARGENTINE: Do not overreact by, say, kidnapping the offending party and holding her in the hidden room underneath your garage until she confesses her undying love for you. Fuck her friends one by one, powerfully and magnificently. She will then suck your cock. Come quickly, then head back inside for some canapes.

ALLAN McD: If you want to be a chump, continue pursuit. Forge on! Hand her your nuts on some crackers, with cheese. Or remember that: the world is full of holes. Stick to the ones that fit you.

STEELY ROB: I'll tell you a little story. I was in a fucking only relationship with this babe for more than three years. She never had any intention of dating me or anyone, really. She probably fucked every dude she knew. Anyone that understood that was playing the game properly. The biggest sap? Her boyfriend. He didn't get the rules of engagement, and meanwhile the whole world is laughing its ass off. Don't be that dude.

THE DOCTOR: Getting laid isn't about: Nobility. Grovel, slither, cheat,
lie, and debase yourself because sex is JUST like sports and getting laid is JUST like scoring. The other team will do whatever they can to prevent you from scoring. You will probably have to try many times to score. Being shut down once means you must return with redoubled effort. I suppose that getting denied on the 20 and knocked for a five-yard loss on a third-and 3 would send you off to the locker room to be noble? Check your pants, make sure you're not the girl, then get back out there sailor.

YO VINNIE,
I recently discovered my woman was fucking other men. Not another MAN but MEN. Now we always had a loose open arrangement but I figured maybe an Ex here, a one night stand there. This is not what happened. She fucked NINE guys. In pretty rapid succession. Strangers she met online. This seems outside the boundaries of what we had agreed on. She claims a cock is a cock and I'm just jealous. Can I get some back up here? -- H.M. (by email)

HOW OFTEN DO WE AGREE WITH A DUDE'S CHICK JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MACKING ON THE DUDE'S CHICK? 347?

Dear STINGY McGREEDY: Oh. I see. First of all like McGruff the crime dog says, "get in, get out, bip bam boop."

Or even more famously, "a contract's as good as the goddamned toilet paper it's printed on."

Which means that your agreement was one of those Sunday morning-laying-in-bed hypothetical scenarios that you're pissed off you kinda made because you were only half listening when she was talking in the first place. But you can't have REALLY expected us to side with you when it stands to a large degree of certainty that one of those cocks she threw herself upon belonged to one of us here do you? [Besides which, we love the idea that everybody loves a slut, but no one wants to marry one.] Well, this is your problem. In more ways than one. She either wants to sup on strange sausage because of some major personal failing of yours [cock, and what you do with it; wallet, and what you can't do with it] OR she's just what we here on THE MACK call a NATURAL whose interest in sausage both far and wide largely exceeds that able to be conceived of by your lying, timid fucking morality. I, myself, once dated a woman who had fucked over 3000 men [yes, she was a whore]. And at least three more while we were together [one for money, one for love and one for a plane ticket....heyyyy...you can take the girl out of the ho house but you can't take the ho house out of the girl]. Did you ever hear me complain even once? No. Why the fuck not? Because it was ME standing on top of that mountain and realistically unless she was a virgin when you met her what difference does it make what she does with her quim as long as she also does it with you?

And don't gimme that shit about disease...you're likelier to get hit by a bus. Driven by a bus driver on his way to bang your old lady.

Sorry my man. It is YOU who is at fault here. You don't like her ways? Start hanging out in churches. Or Utah.

Prick.

YO VINNIE,
My man’s ability not to blow his wad during the first 10 minutes of penetration varies. Sometimes he can keep going for half an hour or more, but most of the time, and especially when we haven’t done it for a while, he can only hold out for a few minutes. It doesn’t matter what position we’re in or how drunk he is—he’s just as sensitive no matter what. I haven’t really had reason to complain before, since his cock stays hard for a long time after he comes. But if it takes me longer to come—which has been the case for the past week, maybe due to pregnancy hormones—or if he’s tired, he tends to grow limper before I come, and I need to resort to the dildo. Sometimes I get irritated by the fact that I need to change positions and readjust everything. Plus it just pisses me off that he can’t control himself. I figured you probably know what a man can do to delay his orgasms. He says he knows it’s a problem (because he wants to keep going for longer), but he doesn’t know where to turn. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to squeeze the shaft really hard when he’s about to come. I guess we could try that. But I’m looking for “internal” techniques, like what muscles to use or whatever. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.-- M.F. (by email)

"GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT. FIRST: YOU'RE PREGNANT & NOW THIS!!!".

Dear MADONNA. OR IS IT WHORE?: When you mentioned that you were pregnant our fucking dinks just about dried up to well-beyond peanut. And then we realized you were not pregnant BY us and we just went back to not caring at all about what you were talking about, watching basketball on the TV, and crying while the cartoon version of everything we ever owned by way of cash went flying out the window with little cherub wings because fucking GEORGETOWN just ate shit and goddamn it if I know where we're going to get 5000 Grr from to pay Carmine.

So, THAT is one option to delay male orgasm: the Impending Broken Leg syndrome. It'll mask all over life concerns so thoroughly that he won't even know he's fucking, let alone be thinking about coming from fucking. Drawbacks: pricey, possibly life-threatening.

But what's that you say? Internal techniques? Yes....the PC muscle. Have him squeeze the muscles that make it feel like he's squeezing his asshole shut. Like in jail. This should work. Totally unlike in jail. Drawbacks: I just made this the fuck up.

Squeezing the shaft? Reminds of me a joke: a little boy goes into an ice cream parlor and asks for some ice cream. The counter cooze asks him, "you want crushed nuts with that?" And he says, "you do and I'll kick you in the quim."

Or something like that.

But you got it half right: pull on the scrotum. The body has a much harder time coming when the testicles are not drawn up tight next to the body so by gently and consistently pulling on the scrotum makes the balls almost have to reset. HE should be the one doing it as well, since this can be a sensitive operation. IF he needs to do it, he should reach behind him and grab his scrotum from behind and pull it gently down. If the position is different he can do it from the front too. With a minimum of disruption.

Of course, AFTER you've had the kid? You will forget he's got a cock at all, so one way or another, your problem will be solved. Right around the time his will be beginning.

YO VINNIE,
Me and my girlfriend enjoy VA. And while I think verbal abuse can add a little something, it has recently added a little too much: she's started calling me by someone else's name when I'm fucking her. Not just ANYbody else's name but my friend SCOTT'S name. How do I get her to stop without seeming like a baby? -- G.A. (by email)

"HAHAHA...I HATE YOUR COCK SOOOO MUCH. NOW, SCOTT'S? NOW, THERE'S A COCK FOR YOU." VERBAL ABUSE GONE HORRIBLY AWRY.

Dear I'M NOT SUSAN: Man. You had us going there for one fucking bit. At first we thought you were talking about you and your old lady enjoying the wonderful state of VIRGINIA. Which made sense since they spent about a billion goddamned dollars trying to convince the rest of us that Virginia is for lovers. That is: lovers who are not also sisters and brothers. And then when we realized this is not what you meant we thought you meant that band Verbal Abuse who, while a great hardcore band for their time, we just couldn't see adding anything to your girlfriend's cooch that your cock wasn't already adding. THEN we figured out that you meant the good ol' VERBAL ABUSE by which one willing partner calls the other semi-willing partner a "NO GOOD DRAG ASS SONUVABITCH" who incidentally couldn't "FUCK A HOLE IN A WET PAPER BAG" and moreover has a dick that's not so much big as it is "VERY VERY SMALL."

Hey. Takes all goddamned types.

But to your problemo: how the fuck do you know it's your friend SCOTT?!?!? In the tangle of passion does she say shit like "OH FUCK ME, SCOTT ANDERSON FROM 2835 WEST PAULSON AVE. WHO IS FRIENDS WITH SMALL-DICK DAVE DIETRICH"?!?!? She probably doesn't. But maybe there's more than you're letting on and maybe she spins semi-plausible scenarios that let you know that it is EXACTLY the Scott Anderson from 2835 WEST PAULSON AVE. whose choad she's thinking of chomping down to which I say, so the fuck what? Are you IN LOVE? And if so, how is it possible that your love could limit you so aggressively that it would preclude her finding other cocks in her cockhole and telling you about it WHILST your cock was in her cockhole?

In my mind, young sir, this is no kind of love.

Leave this woman. To thems of us that knows what the fuck to do with the likes of her. And find yourself a nice church-going woman. Who will only dream of your dick. Small as it is.

Party-fucking-pooper.

YO VINNIE,
Me and my boyfriend have a pretty healthy sex life but more frequently these days he keeps suggesting a menage. Most guys seem to fantasize about this but how many are pushing their girlfriends to have sex with another man? Is he this bored? Gay? I mean, WTF? -- One's Enough (by email)

A GOOOOOD DAY FOR COCK & THEMS THAT LIKE IT

Dear MS. KILLJOY BUZZKILL: You know right now there are thousands of women reading this asking exactly the same fucking thing about your letter: What The Fuck? Indeed. Or rather: Why The Fuck Not? I mean presuming at some odd point during the rest of your WHOLE life you can imagine wanting some other poles in the holes, why not now? OK, OK, I'm supposed to understand that what you're really wanting to know/asking has everything to do with YOUR desires being respected and YOU not feeling like YOU want to feel pressured to do something that seems to mean a lot more to dude than it means to YOU, and well, YOU haven't really thought about it yet and so, WTF? But lemme tell you: it's OKAY. That is, it's OKAY to not think about YOU so goddamned much and maybe think a little bit about dude. I mean who cares WHY he wants it, he ain't asking why you want roses on Valentine's Day, he wants it and it might be fun. UNLESS, and this is my one proviso, in the middle he starts making a sausage move. Then you have problems. Which I suspect is the source of your suspicions. I mean you mentioned GAY, not us. We prefer Guy-Girl-Guy outings because it's like BEING in a movie and WATCHING a movie and there's not a lot of waiting on the cock. Because there are two. Next to this, a foursome is fine, but the reality of it is, if you ain't sausage minded as a man, this is the greatest of all possible set ups. BUT your concerns are about your boyfriend's GAYNESS, which we can most assuredly guarantee you: EXISTS.

Yup. He's gay.

How do we know? YOU yourself just told us. So, unless you like the idea of SEEING Brokeback Mountain and BEING IN Brokeback Mountain, I might suggest vetting out his non-gayness first.

Such like:

"Say, Jim, let's go to this poetry reading..."

"Sure."

Gay.

And case thusly closed, babe.

YO VINNIE,
I'm sick of sex. Yeah, I know I'm NOT supposed to be and doctors say it's a sign that I may be having health problems but getting pussy is getting old. Are you hearing this from a lot of other guys? -- Sleepy (by email)

"YEAH. REALLY. OH WOW. YOU DON'T SAY. MY MY."

Dear MR. KNOWS THE FUCKING SCORE: You know there are people who will read your letter and will not understand at all. Not fucking at all. They WILL accuse you of being gay. Or sick. Or some other such thing. But these are guys who DON'T know the score. Which is: the horrible and horrifying sameness that infects the mating ritual. Lemme spell it out for you:

1] you meet a broad

2] you say some stuff that makes the broad think you are funny/smart/nice/good in bed

3] she chooses to let you fuck her wherein she discovers that either ARE or ARE NOT funny/smart/nice/good in bed.

4] assuming you ARE and you do it more than once, someone will do something called "falling in love" whereby they imagine all of their life dreams [in this instance the staving off of the perpetual stink of loneliness that follows us all wherever we go] will be fulfilled by if not YOU, then definitely the YOU she will make you be

5] and suddenly repeating this process with other broads up to and including their friends, sisters, mothers, aunts, bosses is now verboten and your cock is locked into whatever prison of their extant non-perversions [no eating my pussy, no eating my pussy like THAT, no ass, no loads on the face, or in the mouth, no sex the week before my period, or after, or during, and maybe 50/50 the week I am ovulating] that exist for now and forever....and you now envy the dead.

Is it any wonder if you're a man of certain age and experience you're just better off drinking?

Now, on the odd occasion, you meet a woman who makes you forget all of the above? What? Wait....what the hell am I talking about?

You NEVER will.

And you are NOT alone, newspapers are filled these days of chatter regarding men just GIVING up...in the face of matrimony-mad, commitment-crazed, career-and-kid-obsessed vessels of womanly need, why the fuck not give up?

Or, to quote Richard the Greek: "a whore, a whore, my kingdom for a whore."

But whores are in short supply and are hunted damn near to extinction and what's more most guys when they get their hands on one immediately go about RUINING her by ginning her up on matrimony, commitment, career and kid bullshit, disregarding Too Short's dictum of the impossibility of turning a ho into a housewife. So if you wanna do what we do by all means do it: fuck as long as the fucking is worth fucking for and when it's not no longer, when dissatisfactions [hers] start to arise along with comments regarding fucking no longer being ENOUGH? When you are pressed to do anything OTHER than fuck, well you know what the great Vince Lombardi said: when the going gets tough, the tough quit.

Welcome to forever, my man.

YO VINNIE,
Is there anyway to teach a cock to dial telephone numbers? I'm a decent-looking face with all five senses who likes feeling those warm loads spreading across her cheeks and chin. But can the nut I love be taught to channel his appreciation into a finger capable of pushing the number buttons on phones. At more frequent points between load-bearing episodes and ask my face hows it's doing? 5 minutes of conversation with my lips and ears or is phone dialing channeling reserved for occasions leading to immediate load experiencing? Is lack of phonedialing channeling a sign I need to seek out alternative cocks? Help. -- Irsa Knead [please don't print my name] (by email)

"YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU! MY FACE IS GOING TO FIND IT'S WAY TO 1000 LOADS, NONE OF THEM YOURS...THAT'LL SHOW YOU!!!" UH. NOTHING WE AIN'T ALREADY KNOWN, BABY.

Dear ANA GRAM: Your line of questioning is just....so wrong....from so many vantage points I don' nearly know where the fuck to start but how about the beginning with

UNO: The phone is a 2-way communication device, yes? And since it is better to light a candle than curse the goddamned dark if you're feeling like you wanna chat with the cock? Well, go right ahead. The cock's got better ways of telling you NO if it's not interested

DEUCE: Your bleating request for more phone time between load deliveries discounts the beauty and communicative power of all of our other modes of communicating: text, twitter, IM, paging, email, those fucking annoying walkie-talkie phones fondly used almost solely by Negroes and Samoans.

And TRICELY: the ending kicker: the subtle threat of alternative cocks means that you believe that all cocks are created equal [good luck with all of that] and that IF YOU HAVE TO, why you can just go out and get a cock JUST as good, "but please, oh, please, don't make me do it...a.k.a save me from myself."

Feh.

There are a few things we've learned by owning a cock for four fucking decades and that's that the same things that make that cock attractive to you [ambitious, "bad," busy, belong to someone else] are the same things that once you get it, will enrage you. Also, you can't stop a ho from being a ho. So you want alternative cock? Why make this the one cock's responsibility? Do it or not, just don't make it causally connected to the other loads.

Moreover, like Jesus says, look in your own eye before you throw the camel at the whore, or whatever he said: Have you been a difficult pain in the ass? Has every act of sexual congress between youse and whoever devolved into a pas de deux of difficult negotiation? Have you withheld the ass? Do you, in your efforts to appear mysterious/unavailable/in control, appear standoffish making the busy cock on the go think "I got better things to do than to cater to this kind of action?"

SUCCESS!

All good questions you need to ask yourself, three times, preferably, before the cock crows.

YO VINNIE,
My girl has been promising me the ass forever. Never delivered. The other night, as a prelude to some ass play, she suggested and brought along a butt plug. She shows up an hour late, takes a shower when she gets over, climbs in bed. I ask "where is it?" She says, "where is what?" I say "the butt plug." She says, "it's in my purse but I can't use it tonight because I..." It was at this point that I just asked her to leave. Was I outta line? Five years of this. Am I outta line? -- San Fran (by email)

WELL...YOU CAN DREAM CAN'T YOU? WELL, DREAM & SEND US PICS OF YOUR NOW EX...SAY HELLO TO THE PEOPLE JENNIFER...

Dear CHARLIE BROWN: Sex promises just generally suck, you know? If they forget and YOU remember you seem like a pencil-wielding prick noting sex like markers on a racing card. If they remember and YOU forget [highly unlikely], it seems like your gift of the delicate flower of her ass, a delicate flower with a penchant for outdoor ass sex with guys she barely know that are not you, is not fully appreciated. So it's a lose-goddamned-lose proposition and what the fuck are we talking about anyway? Negotiating for sex acts? I, as a rule do not negotiate with terrorists, and so for me the two step usually goes thusly:

Me: "I wanna fuck your ass."

Them: "Oh, hahah. You know I only like to do that when I'm drunk. And standing in a driveway. In the rain. With my pants around my ankles. On Tuesdays."

Me: "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

You see what just happened there?

If I ask you for a bite of your pie there is only one correct response--yes. Everything else means, "I don't want to do it but will if there's some upside potential for me...like cash. Or delight in your misery when I eventually yank the ass from you."

Do not let this happen to you. Ask for the ass. If you do not receive the ass, never ask again. If it's not ever offered to you again and you feel you must have ass? Leave and find ass. But under NO circumstances should you hang around, a prisoner to the promised prospect of ass. It will never, ever arrive.