FIRST: there was our shot across the bow. An indiscreet lob in the distant direction of BULLSHIT FUCKING ACTION ROCK. Our intended target? This fucking piece of fat hot bitch (we love them fat girls. Ask CHRISTINA RICCI. Better yet ask her brother who still wants to kick our asses).
HER LOVE FOR VINNIE BARELY DISGUISED, COURTNEY LOVE, WE MEAN CHANTAL CLARET, SPURNS OUR MORE THAN GENEROUS OFFER OF $10.
And SECOND, her actual, unedited reply:
i dont give a shit what you write about me, what you think of me, or what you think you know about me, but if you ever fucking mention my mother in anything EVER i will hunt you down and tear off your fucking balls.
i am 100% serious.
sincerely, chantal of morningwood
Then she put her email address--MorningwoodRock@aol.com--which in our minds constitutes the first move in the direction of a love that I can already feel building in my groin. So if you all will excuse me, I'm going to make sweet, sweet email love to this heifer, before getting to our honorifically named CHANTEL CLARET SYMPOSIUM ON DOUBLE ANAL PENETRATION.
Chantal, baby...I understand how you might be a little fezzed up as a result of the shots I took at your band but Jesus, baby, you're in a band named after a cock. A cock that's not mine, incidentally. So you can see...my hurt was, perhaps, understandable. But that's neither here nor there as your big beef seemed to be the passing of your mother. Hey, we lost people too and we feel your pain as we can imagine your late, sainted mother's mention in a site that touts the benefits of sperm drinking might be a tad, well...upsetting. To say the least. About sperm drinking, I mean. But let's get beyond all that and talk about you. And our balls. And the whole you-tearing-our-balls thing. If this is really where you'd like to go with this we invite your passion. SKULLGAME is coming to NY in OCTOBER. Give us a phone number and we will bring the balls to you. Or if you're in California, drop us a line and we will show you our balls. They are hard to miss. As they are big. And after it is all said and done, we will lay you down and fuck you like we love you. Because, of course, we do.
And if you're keeping count, this is the fourth time your mother has been mentioned here.
NOW ON WITH THE SKULLGAME-CHANTEL CLARET SYMPOSIUM ON DOUBLE ANAL PENETRATION (DAP)!!!!
TWO COCKS IN ONE ASSHOLE: A SEMIOTIC EXAMINATION OF THE NATURE OF NEARNESS VIS A VIS MANLY COCK JOY
A WOMAN, NOT NAMED CHANTAL CLARET, PONDERING THE HOMOFICATION OF HETERO PORN THROUGH EXCESSIVE EXPOSURE TO MAN ASS
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- For those of you NOT paying attention, two cocks in one asshole as a sex act, is presently enjoying some cachet as an outre and adventurous practice, pushing the boundaries of what the human body is capable of understanding as NON-HOMO behavior just as aggressively as said cocks are pushing anal walls.
Our gathered panel of experts then considers the POINT FUCKING COUNTERPOINT. That is: whether or not hetero porn is trundling headlong into its most logical extension--flouncingly unrepentant man to man homo porn--OR not.
GAVIN McINNES: VICE MAGAZINE
POINT: "This question makes no sense. No woman outside of porn is every going to let you stuff two dicks in her ass. If the question is for the world of porn then yes, of course we'd like to see that."
FUCKING COUNTERPOINT: You, sir, are gay.
T-BONE SANTA: SKULLGAME
POINT: "I think it was Mark Twain, the esteemed American writer who wrote: 'The coldest winter I ever spent was the summer when my cock touched that other guys out in the woods when we were double teaming that little river slut Mary Jane....' Then some pussy changed the line to try and keep the fags out of San Francisco, which as we know was a fucking failure. I am with Twain, I don't want my lincoln log touching other guys' legos during playtime, unless I want them to, which I don't...."
FUCKING COUNTERPOINT: The obvious relish with which you mention touching cocks in the woods could only mean one thing: you sir, are a gay woodsman.
GREAT. GREAT TO SEE TWO COCKS SOOOOOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
ROB: BRONXTAILS.COM
POINT: "I don’t know. Personally, that’s kind of a tight spot. But VISUALLY? Well any sort of DP looks cool."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: If gay were a boot, you'd ask for an extra large. With laces.
MR. XTRA: SKULLGAME
POINT: "No more gay than countless scenes with two guys rubbing their dicks together in a chick's mouth. Or countless cumshots with two guys standing port and starboard of the chick's head and they overshoot and cream each other's
sausage. Which is to say, TOTALLY FUCKING GAY. But it's not YOUR cock getting rubbed or creamed. So just relax, focus on the girl, and you should be comfortably not-gay at home.*
*Unless you also go to poetry readings."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: You, sir, are a man. A man I'd be proud to share a drink with. A drink and a backrub, perhaps. You know, sore muscles and all.
DOWN THE MIDDLE, OVER THE KEY, THROUGH THE RIM....NOTHING BUT MAN ASS.
PETE BONDURANT: AMERICAN TABLOID
POINT: "Double anal is about as gay as the Folsom St. Fair. Any man that is that comfortable rubbing his dick next to another dude's erect cock might as well come out and march in next year's Pride parade."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: Your point being...??? You trying to Jedi Mind Trick us into homofication? Yeah you and all the other homosexuals who keep sucking our cocks.
HABIB: SKULLGAME
POINT: "While personally I think there is so other form of faggotry more faggish than having another dude's cock touch your own, even if it is in some
bitch's ass. I still do not object to the practice as it makes our porn more diversified in things that make you wanna jack. I will never practice the double anal myself but you can bet your goddamn sweet ass I'll be sitting up there in the bleachers with a foam fucking finger hootin' 'n' rootin' ya on. So I say let's make with the fucking double anal! Just don't call me when you need a cock."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: As TOM CRUISE would say: GREAT!
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: SKULLGAME
POINT: "Well Vinnie, as a guy who is TOTALLY inexperienced in the sex act of TWO cocks in one asshole, because after all, I am NOT gay, I can safely say that I am in fact, NOT gay and very much enjoy seeing two cocks soooooo close together...
Wait...what I meant to say was that because I am inexperienced in GAY sex acts, I love seeing two cocks sooooo close together, because I am NOT gay...
Hold up, by inexperienced in seein' two cocks sooooo close together I mean, I can safely say that I am NOT gay and very much crave to see two cocks in one asshole...
Ah...fuck it, sign me up for CON DOUBLE ANAL."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: Like DIOGENES looking for ONE honest man, methinks we found him. GAY ON, SOLDIER!!!
THE ARGENTINE: SKULLGAME
POINT: "Earl of Chesterfield on sex: 'The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable.'
THE ARGENTINE on double anal: 'The Earl of Chesterfield was an idiot when it came to sex. But I'd have called his quote flattery if he were talking about double anal. What a bunch of unimaginative monkeys we are. Why not triple? Why not just pull her insides out and jack off on her entrails?'"
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: ROB BLACK is working on this in association with MAX HARDCORE and SKEETER KERKOVE. It's a new feature called GUTBUSTERS. It should also be noted that those men are also all gay.
AHHH...COCK SUCKING THE WAY GOD INTENDED IT TO BE: ADMINISTERED BY PAMELA LEE
THE DOCTOR: SKULLGAME
POINT: "Double anal is like a lot of what we see on the porn screen: Difficult to
perform, almost impossible to get permission for and occasionally nausea-inducing to watch. Filming double anal has some of the same problems as declaring National Parks as impassable wilderness zones; if you can't see it, who cares if it's there?
I view double anal the same way I view FISTING: It is a turn on if you are:
1) a sadist, and
2) excited by the recipient being a totally passive whore, and
3) a flaming fag."
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: Due to a pre-existing medical condition I was wondering if you could write me some scrip for pharmaceutical grade morphine, you know, for NECK PAIN. Thanks a mil. Fag.
PACHANGA: SKULLGAME
POINT: "The concept has its place in the land of holies but a limited market.
Here is why:
One, it is a novelty. I have not seen too (two) many cocks in one hole in fuck film land.
Two, it is still an anal film, love it or leave it.
Three, double anal is a very homosexual concept and not too appealing to guys that like well, er, GIRLS!
Lastly, double anal has its place in fuckland because a woman still has to stretch her talents in many different ways to show that she is still as good as a
guy. (This one was for the fags.)
You go girl!!
Pachanga says film it and they will cum!!"
COUNTER FUCKING POINT: In a galaxy far, far away, somewhere in San Fernando Valley, someone has somehow heard your cry of man-love longing. Thank you all for coming!!!!
