This NOVEMBER CRIMINAL issue of SkullGame has been brought to you by THE SKULLGAME-MAKE-A-FUCKING-WISH FOUNDATION where boys and girls of all ages have their dying wishes granted prior to them actually dying from anything by granting them access to the funds needed to almost actually die from any number of fucking things.
"DEAR BABY JESUS...PLEASE GRANT ME THE WISDOM & SERENITY TO MAKE THIS FUCKING HOLY BONG WORK GODDAMNED RIGHT FOR ONCE!!!" OUR NEWEST REVIEWER, MAXIMUM, MAKES A FUCKING WISH.
OXYMORONICALLY SUICIDAL COUNTRY STAR CHAIRS SLUT-CHOKING SYMPOSIUM
"PROFESSOR McKNIGHT'S SELF-CHOKING SYLLABUS LETS ME CHOKE ME WHEN I MOST DESERVE IT: EVERY MINUTE OF MY GODDAMNED WORTHLESS LIFE," SAYS SELF-DISGUSTED STAR.
CHIGAGO (SkullGame) -- Troubled country star MINDY McCREADY, whose suicide, narcotic slut hijinks rival our own MARGOT KIDDER's, broke down in tears during a recent taping of Oprah Winfrey's TV talk show, when Oprah tried to get her to dish on her strangulation secrets. McCready has attempted suicide twice in the past two months, failing in even those modest efforts, after discovering she's pregnant with estranged boyfriend William McKnight's child.
McKnight is facing charges of attempted murder and is awaiting trial after allegedly beating McCready and attempting to strangle her in what she claims was a drug-fueled instructional rage in May. After playing tapes of her past police calls, following alleged "beatings" by McKnight, and telling McCready, "You are messed up...to be keeping all this good stuff to yourself," Winfrey called on psychologist Dr. Robin Smith to help the singer see why she needs to share.
Smith told the country star "You're sitting here right now trying to hold onto a dream."
McCready accepted she was stingy, sobbing, "Nothing in my life is going right, right now and there's got to be a reason for that. I think that God is trying to get my attention to tell me that this is going to end very, very badly if I don't share it with the world."
Dr. Smith concluded the hour-long special, which aired Thursday, by telling McCready, "Even I, find myself, curiously enough wanting to choke your fine white-fluted chicken neck," before concluding, "a lot."
BACKSTREET BOY, FORMER PARIS HILTON PROTEGE, & FAN OF WOMEN WITH BODIES LIKE BOYS, NICK CARTER MARRIES CHINEE WOMAN; CHINEE PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY "ERATED"
THIS CHICK DON'T LOOK CHINESE...
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Singer," man band, denim jacket wearing, and no-stranger-to-public-shaming-as-a-result-of-a-sausage-seeking-slut-ex-girlfriend NICK CARTER is ready to marry Chinee actress BAI LING -- just one year after he split from aforementioned slut PARIS HILTON.
OHHHH....WAITTTT....OOPS. NEVERMIND. HERE'S THE CHINEE BROAD.
Ling, who starred alongside known-lesbian JODIE FOSTER in Anna and the King, says the "pair" "are" "deeply" in "love" and "seriously" "considering" "marriage" in the "near" "future". Despite being 10 years his senior, she insists they are both ready to commit to a lifelong relationship of interracial misery.
The lunatic Ling, 35, says, "My boyfriend is a godsend. I didn't need any reasons to like him and I am willing to do anything for him. We are very romantic. To meet someone like that, I have to give my love to him and I do really love him."
Jesus H. Fucking Christ.
MADONNA: MY REAL SPURIOUS TRANNY SECRETS
"HOW ABOUT THEM FUCKING WHITE SOX????"
LISBON (SkullGame) -- Superstar MADONNA was shocked at the MTV Europe Music Awards Thursday night, when the ceremony's Kazakhstani host Borat Sagdiyev labeled her a "transvestite."
The singer opened the Lisbon, Portugal, ceremony with a performance of her new single, "Hung Up," which samples Abba's hit "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme." The track appeared to confuse British "Ali G" comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's alter-ego Borat. Walking onto the stage at the Pavilhao Atlantico, Borat joked, "Welcome to the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest. The singer before me -- who was he? It was very courageous of MTV to start the show with a genuine transvestite."
SKULLGAME PRESENTS A ONE-ACT PLAY: THE LOAD. By T-Bone Santa, American Playwrite (1972 to present)
"HATH NOT A JEW, A LOAD?"
Scene: A man named VINNIE. One solid beam of light shining from a blackened archway. A chair. And a glass of water. He speaks to someone off camera. Into what seems to be a bedroom.
VINNIE: How long has it been?
VOICE: What?
VINNIE: Been?
VOICE: Been?
VINNIE: Jesus. If one man with but one load could oppose all and make mad the populace with coconuts bursting and rockets red glaring, what would that man had he the motive and cue for passion, and loads, that I have?!?! He would drown the stage in loads and confound the dumbfounded WITH loads and FOR WHAT?!?!? For Hecuba and loads? What care Hecuba for loads or loads for Hecuba that loads should weep for her?
VOICE: Loads?
VINNIE: YES!!! LOADS!!!
(General applause, lights dim)
EXEUNT
