SKULLGAME CLASSIFIEDS: Does the idea of being sexually degraded in a relatively comic setting for cash appeal to the side of you that likes the idea of being sexually degraded in a relatively comic setting? Well good. We will laugh, degrade, degrade and laugh, all while digging through our pockets for the dirty coin that will constitute the $40 you will get paid for your troubles. Inquire within. [Ask about our discount for seniors!]
HER: "THANK YOU SKULLGAME!!!"; HIM: "FUCK YOU SKULLGAME!!!"
AND FOR OUR JEW BRETHERN, WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY HALF THE WRITERS WHO WORK HERE, HAPPY PASSOVER DE MAYO
APPARENTLY IT IS CUSTOMARY IN SLAWKA KORDUBA'S HOUSE TO CELEBRATE PASSOVER BY DRINKING TOO MUCH WINE AND FELLATING ITALIANS WITH FEVERISH VIGOR. WHO KNEW?
LINDSAY LOHAN MANAGES TO GET US TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HER TITS LONG ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT THE PREPOSTEROUS PROPOSITION OF HER BEING WHAT IRAQIS NEED RIGHT NOW
"PLEASE. HELP. LIBERATE US FROM THE OPPRESSIVE SCROTUM," SAYS SKULLGAME MAN SEED
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Teen Strumpet LINDSAY LOHAN is hoping in a burst of misguidingly Jane Fondaesque thinking of planning to give U.S. troops in Iraq that which they need the least: 10 songs from her new album performed live. While Lohan imagines this will be what constitutes a "moral boost," outside of hell this is more frequently known as "torture."
Lohan's representative says, "She has mentioned traveling to Iraq to promote her latest film, 'Herbie: Fully Loaded,' but nothing is definite yet."
WRONG.
SkullGame definitely predicts a definite SkullGame prayer meeting where we definitely ask Jesus to let us fuck her once or 10 times before her head definitely comes summarily tumbling from her fucking body in the deserts of Fallujah.
AND IN A MENTION OF FAR-REACHINGLY DISTURBING CONSEQUENCE: THE BATHROBED PLAYBOY MAGNATE HUGH HEFNER HIT WITH HOMO ALLEGATION!!!
A PISSED HEFNER PONDERS THE WHEREABOUTS OF A ONE MR. VING RHAMES WHO "SAID HE'D BE HERE."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- There are myths, rumors and fantasies about Playboy king Hugh Hefner's mansion, but do you ever wonder what really goes on there? Well according to a former Bunny named Jill Ann Spaulding [jillspaulding@cs.com; 602-370-7238], sex is only on Wednesdays and Fridays; the 79-year-old legend has 11 girls at a time; she claims he's obsessed with watching gay sex between black and white men; and she has never seen him use a condom.
"That condom thing I think it's a death wish,' said Jill Ann Spaulding, who's written a tell-all book entitled Behind the Scenes at Playboy: The Sex, Fun and Romp 'n' Roll A Playboy Model Tells All, which will be published in June by Spi Books.
Spaulding, 34, a professional poker playing living in Mesa, Ariz., which means you KNOW she's telling the truth, lived in the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles for five days in June 2002. While her nude pictorial was featured on Playboy.com, she never made it into the magazine. "I left (the mansion) after it became obvious I was unwelcome because I dodged having sex with Hugh. I just couldn't do it." Elaborating on Hugh's apartment-sized bedroom, Spaulding said: It stunk of dog urine" and was littered with magazines. Gay porn featuring black and white men incessantly played on giant TV screens. "In my opinion, it's not Barbie's dream house, but a brokerage house where dangerous sex is traded for elusive stardom, and the only dreams ever allowed to come true are the perverse and decaying egotistic fantasies of Hugh Hefner."
And Hef himself retorted after receiving a phone call from SkullGame: "This is a silly book full of self-serving gossip and imaginings regarding muscular man-love of all stripes and varities made by a woman that doesn't really know boo about the love of one man for another much larger, Blacker man. In the ass. 24 hours a day. Or me. Or what life at the Playboy mansion is all about. You big silly."
DIRTY FUCKING NASTY WHORE OF PUBLICITY PARIS HILTON GUNNING FOR A FULL SKULLGAME FLUSH OF CONSTANT & CONTINUAL COCK-SUCKING SUBTRACTION FRACTION ACTION
I WILL MAKE A GREAT MOM. ON THE PLANET VESUVIO. WHERE I SPEND MUCH OF MY NON-EARTH BASED TIME THESE DAYS.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Unregenerate whore and heiress PARIS HILTON is determined to have children with her Greek boyfriend and doppleganger PARIS LATSIS "in the next two years" -- because she feels she has accomplished everything in life at the age of 24 via the careful and continual application of lips to long meat. The lips being hers, and the long meat being the world's.
The reality TV star has only been dating the 22-year-old shipping heir since last week, but she insists she is in love and almost ready to start a family because the world is not fucked up enough. Hilton says, "I want to have kids in the next two years because I know that completes your life. I've had so much fun, sucking cock, and being filmed sucking said cock, well, I don't know where I was going with that but it was great.
"I've accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish vis a vis the frantic application of cock to tonsils. The tonsils being mine and the cock being the world's. And I just think that when I have kids that'll make me happier than I already am."
God help us all.
