IF you're a regular reader of SkullGame you know that SkullGame is published 3 times a goddamned week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Unless it was last week when we published only on Monday. Now we know you could give a good rat's ass what the fuck we do as long as we don't stand between you and your load and its quick trip to someone's chin. However, there were enough mewling emails that we figured we'd explain to youse that when we run repeats only 1 of like 4 things is happening.
1) we are helping people. In this instance hurricane victims and potential purchasers of all of our glorious porn which, if you didn't know is how the fuck we stay in business.
HURRICANE KATRINA VICTIM NAMED, ODDLY ENOUGH, KATRINA WAS DESPERATELY IN NEED OF THE KIND OF HELP THAT ONLY VARIOUS ACTS OF COCK SUCKAGE CAN PROVIDE. WE PROVIDE THAT HELP.
2) we are teaching people. In this age, when youth cry out for answers to life's insoluble questions, when most adults do not take the fucking time, WE are there.
THESE ARE CUM COZIES. ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
3) we are preaching.
HOME-MADE PORN? MUCH COOLER WITHOUT SLEEPING KIDS IN THE BACKGROUND YOU FUCKING HILLBILLIES!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?!!?
4) we are in jail.
"IS THAT A FAG COCK IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?!?! YOU FUCKING PIG!!! AGGGHHHH......THE HANDCUFFS ARE TOO TIGHT!!!!"
And so it goes. If things work out, we'll be back sooner than not. If things DON'T work out, well there's always the SKULLGAME GODDAMNED LEGAL DEFENSE FUND whereby you buy porn, and we spend what you spend in a fucking run for the border.
You are now being returned to your regularly scheduled reading.
GARY BUSEY FALLS OFF WAGON; VISITS SKULLGAME OFFICE IN COKE-FUELED RAGE AND LEAVES JUDGE ROY BEAN WONDERING MANY THINGS OUTLOUD.
“... YOUR SHADOW, THE DARK SIDE. C.G. HUME WRITES ABOUT IT, IN TERMS OF THE FACT THAT EVERY ONE OF US HAS A DARK SIDE. AND MY DARK SIDE, MY SHADOW, MY LOWER COMPANION IS NOW IN THE BACK ROOM BLOWING UP BALLOONS FOR KIDS' PARTIES.”
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) — GARY BUSEY, B-grade acting sensation and world-renowned fucking psychopath, broke his vows of sobriety last weekend and visited the SkullGame office—wherein he proceeded to double-team our secretaries ALONE, spew inane acronym after inane acronym, and cut lines of our personal sense of safety and blow them off of trays fashioned from our dignity.
Entering the building strong armed and handing out copies of Jonathan Livingston Seagull in a most cavalier manner, Busey, 61 and full of “the holy spirit”, graced us with his presence in hopes of “persuading” us into adding a Christian slant to our publication—“loving women in the name of Baby Jesus” and “Settling disputes for the Lord above”—lest he lecture us relentlessly about the evils of bearing an uncanny resemblance to NICK NOLTE or riding our motorcycles on L.A. freeways after being on a week-long drug binge; which he did anyhow even after we tried to agree to his terms.
“Do you know what “Porn” stands for?”, Busey inquired while we all desperately hoped he was posing the question rhetorically. “Pushing Out Realized Negativity. When you internalize your own failures as human beings, real or imagined, relating either to your upbringing or your downfalling you construct a means of getting these bad feelings out. Some of us do a whole lot of cocaine and bounce our heads off of the pavement at 80 miles per hour and star in movies like POINT BREAK, and some of us, as you gentlemen put it, “grind loads into women’s foreheads” and make up stories about EVA LONGORIA's private parts. Do you know what “Eva” stands for? Excellent Vaginal Acquisition."
"THAT'S NOT A MOTORCYCLE, BABY. THEM'S CHOPPERS."
"Now if you hope to ever come to own this excellence then you have to have God Almighty on your side. Do you know what “God” stands for? Growing Over Definition. And with God there is only one ultimate possibility. See, before I had God in my life I used to think my garbage disposal was a spoon-washer; but after I found God I realized that, all those years, the garbage disposal was really just a spoon-ruiner. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? DON’T BE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!!”
When approached by our staff for some kind of explanation as to what the hell just happened, Jake Busey—Gary’s Son—offered up little help. “I don’t know what to tell you. He's a lot different than I am. He's always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets—and he’s always yelling when he does it. I can never understand what he's talking about.”
HOT SHOT EDITOR NABBED IN BID FOR SEX WITH GIRL, 13
TIMOTHY MC DARRAH (LEFT) IN HAPPIER. GAYER TIMES.
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- A too-good-to-help-his-pals magazine editor was charged yesterday with trying to pick up a 13-year-old girl on the Internet for sex, federal authorities said. After checking to make sure it wasn't any of us, we discovered that it was this dude we knew from high school, TIM MC DARRAH, what never helped nobody when he was an Us Weekly editor and never extended a helping fucking hand even when he was a former New York Post gossip columnist. Anyways, buddy boy offered to pay $200 for "sex with a YOUNG hottie," and was nabbed when he showed up at a Manhattan building where he thought the girl lived, authorities said.
McDarrah, 43, who allegedly used his mother's AOL account to set up the illicit tryst, was charged with using a computer to persuade a minor to engage in sex, officials said, a charge he deflects by fingering his mother.
"He told [the agent posing as the girl] that 17 is the age of consent, but he didn't plan to wait that long to let his mother 'go mack daddy crazy on her teen ass'," an undercover federal agent pretending to be the girl said, according court papers.
The editor first made contact with the agent in July when he answered an ad on the Craig's list Web site, officials said. McDarrah was not immediately reachable for comment, though we're quite sure if he were here he'd say as he'd said many a million times before, "Well, I'd do just about anything to help you guys. You're my PALS," right before he jumped into the limo and sped off to a party at P. DIDDY's. Without us.
HOW TO TELL YOU ARE AROUND GAYNESS: A GUIDE
1) YOUR NAME IS KENNY CHESNEY & YOUR FRIENDS ARE TELLING THE PRESS THAT YOU ARE NOT GAY
AND YOU TAKE PICTURES LIKE THIS.
NASHVILLE (SkullGame) -- Country star KENNY CHESNEY's EX-fiancee has come forward to "clear up" "rumors" the "singer" is gay following his "shocking" "split" from "wife" of four months RENEE ZELLWEGER. Mandy Weals, who was "engaged" to Chesney for three years, admits she's puzzled as to why Zellweger has accused her ex of fraud in divorce papers -- but she insists people are jumping to homofied conclusions.
The 36-year-old, who is now married to a man who does NOT wear Daisy Dukes, says, "Kenny's '100-PERCENT' 'macho' and definitely not gay. Unless...." she said pausing for dramatic effect, "he's that kind of macho gay....But NO, NO, NO. He LOVES women. On their stomachs. And in their asses. While calling them 'Bob.' I mean I should know. Shouldn't I?"
Chesney's publicist Holly Gleason admits Zellweger's fraud claims have made her really busy refuting rumor after rumor of raw hide-ism. "The number one question everyone's been asking me after Renee declared the marriage a Tom Cruiseian fraud is, 'Is he a bathroom lurking butt bandit?' And the answer is: He's not. Even George Michael says so."
2) You are in BRANDON IRON'S NEWEST: A BAKER'S DOZEN
NUFF SAID.
3) You are this woman. With a beard.
DO YOU SEE THE MANNER IN WHICH SAN FRANCISCO JUST FUCKS WITH YOUR HEAD?!?! BECAUSE WHILE BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS THIS PERSON IS MOST ASSUREDLY A WOMAN. WITH A BEARD. YOU'D ALMOST RATHER FUCK LEONARDO DI CIPRIO THAN FUCK HER. ON JUST ABOUT ANY DAY. MAKING YOU OFFICIALLY: GAY
4) You see THIS woman.
WHO CARES?!?!? FUCKING HEINRICH, THAT'S WHO!!!
ANY and all of these signs, just as assuredly as the presence of boy bands, backward baseball caps, and your long time association with EDDIE MURPHY, might be proof positive, sight unseen, that Gayness is afoot.
Watch for them.
