IN the anals of JOBBING [Jobbing, Jobbed, Be-jobbed: v., int. v., n., to have your attempts at off-loadage cock blocked, thwarted or anywise otherways offering tangible proofs that God hates you] there is no one whose history with the act, deed, verb and noun has been so thoroughly complete as our own BUTCHER BOB. This weekend's crime scene? A street in San Francisco (mistake number 1). His date? Ensconced in her car. He says, "let me park." She says, "OK." He steps back to his ride and hears her tires catch the asphalt as she skids into traffic. What? Hunh? Who? "I...I...I...I'm having a panic attack," she says to a chagrined Mr. Bob. Which is all well and good, but "what about my load?" he says. Exactly.
ONE ASS IN SEARCH OF ONE JOB MAGNET. NAMELY MR. BUTCHER BOB. WELCOME TO THE LAND OF FUCK YOU, MR. BOB.
"AND THE TIP OFF WAS WHAT EXACTLY?" KATE MOSS COPS TO COKE USE: THE SYMPOSIUM
"WE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA," SAYS WORLD ON PERUSING THE EMPRESS' NEW CLOTHES.
LONDON (SkullGame) -- Supermodel KATE MOSS acknowledged to the H&M clothing chain that tabloid allegations that she recently used cocaine "a whoooooollllleee fucking lot," are "abso-fucking-tootly true," an H&M spokeswoman said Saturday. She [Moss] then started drawing invisible figures in the air and singing softly off-key.
The Daily Mirror tabloid printed images from a vid that showed the model doing five lines of cocaine in 40 seconds at a recording session, preparing them with a credit card and snorting the drug through a note given to her by a small cancer patient. The tabloid said the vid was made at a West London recording studio last week during "an undercover investigation into supermodel skankage," but gave no further details.
The newspaper said Moss had taken a large amount of cocaine out of the handbag held by her boyfriend PETE DOHERTY, the "musician" whose "alleged" drug problems and "brushes" with the law have made headlines for months, was also "present," the paper reported.
The Mirror said Moss had shouted obscenities and made the universal cock-in-mouth motion when one of its reporters asked her for comment on the allegations outside a restaurant in New York, where she was attending the city's Fashion Week shows. Moss won an apology and an undisclosed settlement from the Sunday Mirror in July over a story it ran in January alleging that she had collapsed into a cocaine-induced coma of busboy gangbang proportions in Barcelona in June 2001. Her lawyer Gerard Tyrrell said then that the charges were "damnably unfuckingtrue."
Tyrrell did not return a message left at his office Saturday. Or Sunday. Or Monday. Or ever.
RICH, WHITE, MURDERING MILLIONAIRESSE SERVES THE PUBLIC GOOD BEST BY GOING TO REHAB. AGAIN. THE COURTNEY LOVE AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL CONTINUES.
"YOUR HONOR, MY ATTORNEY, THE JEW, IS INCREDIBLY CRAFTY AND A JEW AND YET: I AM CONVICTED?!? TO BEDREST AT A REALLY NICE HOTEL-HAB, BUT STILL...."
HOLLYWOOD — A judge Friday ordered COURTNEY LOVE into drug treatment instead of Toilet Plunger Rape Jail for violating her probation on past narcotics and assault charges.
Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge and Hebrew Rand Rubin also extended Love's probation for 18 months. Last month, Rubin, who had not heard her most recent record, warned the rock musician, who had overdosed in July at a Hollywood nightclub, that she was heading toward "rock bottom." But after getting in chamber visits and reports mumbled over a mouthful of cock that Love had been in drug treatment for 28 days, the judge sounded more hopeful.
"I'm very pleased with your progress," Rubin told Love, "in regards to the areas of donut procurement, processed meat sausage substitution and money counting. I think it's an excellent first step on your road to recovery. Now get me a beer." Love who was miming out the first act of Richard III with puppets made out of cigarettes on the defense table, did not respond.
She had publicly insisted for months that she had kicked her drug habit.
Her "renewed" "legal" "difficulties" are expected to have major repercussions on her efforts to revive a stalled "music" and "film" "career" and maintain custody of Frances Bean Cobain, 13, the daughter she had with the late murdered-by-her rock icon Kurt Cobain.
SAN FRANCISCO BURLESQUE IS "GREAT. JUST GREAT. AND JUST WHAT YOU'D EXPECT FROM A CITY OF GAY MEN, LESBIANS & RAGEFUL VEGANS," SAYS THE LAST HETEROSEXUAL MAN STANDING.
PERFECT. AND COULDN'T REALLY BE MORE SO. IF YOU HATE COCK. AND ANY POSSIBILITY OF IT GETTING ERECT.
RENEE ZELLWEGER: "COME TO BUTTHEAD, BABY...
THE TWO FACES OF FATTY PSYCHOSES
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- RENEE ZELLWEGER in a multi-city series of press conferences has announced her intent to file for an annulment from husband Kenny Chesney after just four months of marriage and says the couple "hope to experience this transition as privately as possible given our heavy press conference schedule."
In court papers filed Wednesday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, the Oscar-winning actress listed "fraud" as the reason for the breakup with the country music star. The term was "simply legal language and not a full reflection of Kenny's asshole character," Zellweger said in a statement Friday, while SkullGame writers excused themselves from the room as their DSS indicators all started ringing at the same time to indicate the increasingly likelihood that Zellweger would soon be having trains run on her by Mexican bus boys and Negro cab drivers.
Zellweger, 36, and Chesney, 37, wed in a small, love-laden and beautiful ceremony on the Caribbean island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands in May. It was the first marriage for both prior to her wild descent into questionable associations with NBA players and rap stars with penchants for gang bangs as primary forms of post-show entertainments.
AN APPLICANT TRIES HIS HAND: A GLIMPSE INTO THE MIND OF A WOULD-BE SKULLGAME WRITER
Many are called. Few are chosen. Who don't have vaginas. Here is a most recent and sadly misguided attempt to get to hang around our offices and bring us icecubes for our drinks while we mock you, your mother and her pendulous fucking dig dugs that are noteworthy only for their load catching capabilities and the fact that they suckled you, you fucking loser.
Forthwith, JUMBO JIM'S (yes, he picked his OWN nickname. Sad. Very Sad). attempt via a DISCOURSE ON OEDIPUS REX
I WUV YOU MOMMY.
A man can only justify his actions if he regards his demeanor with deductive thinking. This man was not Oedipus mainly because he was a fucking douche bag. One must know who Oedipus was to understand the period in which it was written. This is my thesis statement. The Greeks contributed many things to our culture, such as olives, gyros, LENNY KRAVITZ, anal sex, and Oedipus. Oedipus will be remembered though out time because he suffered from Lou Gehrig's disease, and that's why he couldn't play baseball in the first Olympic games. He will always be remembered for his journeys and his love for the New York Yankees.
LOU GEHRIG IS SMILING BECAUSE HE GOT DAILY RIMJOBS FROM THE GIRLS AT SCORES
Laius and Jocasta were king and queen of Thebes, a town in Greece. They were fucking around and Laius forgot to strap his shit. One day, they had a baby boy. An oracle prophesied that the boy would grow up and kill his father and marry his mother. Laius was like fuck that shit, that's gay. To thwart the prophecy, Laius and Jocasta decided to kill their baby. They fingered his butt hole and sent him on his way. A kindly shepherd found the baby in a pool skimmer. He gave it to the King and Queen of Corinthian Leather. One day after he had grown up a bum told him he was adopted. He killed the bum. Oedipus was a bum killer. To thwart the oracles (this is a folk tale not a goddamned Oxycontin commercial or something). Oedipus left Corinth and the leather and sought out Billy Mays and had gay sex with him. At the time it was considered polite. Oedipus then snorted two lines of pure cocaine, killed his father after a traffic squabble. This is bullshit? Don't believe it or I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, AND YES THIS IS A WRITTEN THREAT! And that's what Oedipus told his father.
One should ANALize the poetry Oedipus wrote.
Riding in the benzo, poppin' my colla
See some fine wenches, I hafta holla
diamonds, gold and the all might dolla
Fuck that police!
DR. DRE. NOT A FAGGOT.
Dr. Dre got most of his inspiration from the Greek story of Oedipus. Soon Oedipus's smarts saved the town of Thebes and he was made king. In fact the only reason Dr. Dre produced The Chronic because the Bible tells you to smoke lots of pot, and Oedipus used to blaze with the makers of Aqua Fresh tooth paste.
Oedpius married the queen. He was fucking his own mom. Which was fucking nasty. They had four kids. They found out what happened. Imagine your jamming your mom and then the feds come to your house and say that she wuz your Mom and you were like ya? So? And they were like, well, that's gross and illegal. (You must assume that accidentally killing your father and marrying your mother is a disaster.) Jocasta killed herself with a pimento and Oedipus blinded himself and became a wandering beggar because The Beetles did it and that was cool. Oedipus found sancturary at Colonus, outside of Athens. The kindness he was shown at the end made the city itself blessed. Which is the gayest ending ever. The greeks invented anal lube. This is my conclusion. The end.
Works Cited:
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