“A limo, a kind word, and a gun, we’ve noticed, will get you a lot further than just the gun,” says SkullGame Impresario VINNIE ROSE
TONY MONTANA, ITALIAN SAL AND STEELY ROB BEFORE THE KETAMINE REALLY DUG ITS FUCKING HEELS IN DEEP: "WE'RE GOING TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES, MA!!!"
See it goes like this: At MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME we are just TOO GODDAMNED HANDSOME to worry about all the small details. You know, the facts that everyone else is so busy thinking about. Plus we rely on the supra-par research skills of ITALIAN SAL, the limo-company owning cousin of PERRY THE GREEK, and the gift of goddamned gab of VINNIE ROSE.
Translation: Where we go the fucking party follows and so it is that we found ourselves actually driving a limo up to the Golden Globes and acting all A-List and shit to get not only INTO THE BUILDING but (before they asked us to take our seats and having no tickets we had to take a powder) MIXING WITH THE STARS.
Here’s our goddamned report.
ROSE REPORTS RIDING THE RED CARPET ROCKET RIDE INTO PUSSY NONPAREIL
Well, we just let our fucking camera do the talking, baby. Plus we are absotiteotullay fucking flying high right now. We mean if the world was a nail, WE ARE THE FUCKING HAMMER.
SLUTS WE SAW
LADIES & GENTLEMEN: MELISSA RIVERS AND DEMI MOORE IN DRESSES DESIGNED BY THE HOUSE OF SCAASI
DEBI MAZAR DOING THE DAZZLE. LADIES & GENTLEMEN, DEBI MAZAR, STAR OF GOODFELLAS & THE BAD LIEUTENANT
CHELSEA CLINTON, LADIES & GENTLEMEN. YES. THE FORMER FIRST DAUGHTER LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING BISCUIT
LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND SOME LESBO WITH BLACK HAIR
TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE AND HIS MOTHER, TO WHOM HE SEEMS EXCESSIVELY DEVOTED
STING WITH AN APE. OR ROSANNA ARQUETTE. WE COULDN'T TELL WHICH EITHER
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO.....
Come on. Cop a squat. What’s going on, you say? Well I’ll tell you:
Renee Zellweger’s new figure, Natalie Portman’s new hair and Adrian Brody’s failed liver.
I'M FAT & I WANT A GOLDEN GLOBE
THIS BITCH LOOKS LIKE THAT BROAD THAT VINNIE WAS BONING THAT HE WAS GETTING ALL LOVED OUT OVER. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONE I FUCKED...FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
HE AND STEELY ROB HAVE NEVER BEEN PHOTOGRAPHED TOGETHER. COULD IT MEAN? YES IT COULD!
What do these three things have in common?
Well, they are the latest addition to a long line of Hollywood shit that doesn’t matter to anyone. Well that and the fact that they all appeared at the Golden Globes.
Let's see, what else is going on? Here we go. Stephen King has Pneumonia. You know something? It's not working, I’m not gonna bite this time, you got me to give a fuck when your dumb ass got run down by that dude riding around in his van playing with his dog, and to be completely honest, without the dog, I probably, hell, definitely wouldn’t have given a fuck then either.
OOOOOO...SCAREEEEEEYYYYY!!!!
What else? Ah, Ozzy Osbourne’s wild ATV Ride. Is anyone really surprised this fucking guy had a motor vehicle accident? This man is consistently and continually impaired!
CONSISTENTLY AND CONTINUALLY
What is surprising about him flipping an All Terrain Vehicle? This guy is unfit to operate a dining room chair let alone a four-wheeled motorcycle. What I want to know was who was minding the idiot when the accident happened. Then I would like to tell him that although his attempt was brilliant, Eugenics was proven wrong.
So let's wrap it up. Adrian Brody’s jaundiced, Stephen King has fluid filled lungs and creepy eyes and last but no more important, Ozzy wrecks an ATV while high as fucking kite, on life…
TRANSLATION: WE ARE STILL FUCKING WRECKED FROM THIS WEEKEND. NOW WEDNESDAY THE 28TH? FUCK. WE'RE GOING TO KILL ON THAT DAY. BUT TODAY? TO QUOTE CORNHOLIO, SHEEEIIITTT.....
