BUT first this community service required announcement, required what on account of a bullshit trumped up motherfucking charge for the Po Po finding that crack in our '67 Chevy what wasn't even ours.
WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LIGHTS NO MORE. WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LIGHTS NO MORE...WHEW. 220 MORE OF THOSE & WE'LL BE FREE TO FUCKING GO? OK....WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LOBSTERS NO MORE, WE WILL NOT....
THE TOM CRUISE TIME-OUT REPORT: THE NBA FINALS. AND STUFF.
KATIE HOLMES ATTEMPTING TO SEDUCE FIANCE TOM CRUISE AWAY FROM THE "GAME" LONG ENOUGH TO STUMBLE THROUGH YET ANOTHER STILTEDLY UNCOMFORTABLE HETEROSEXUAL COUPLING
MICHIGAN (SkullGame) -- Furiously emotive non-Homosexual TOM CRUISE proposed to woefully underinformed KATIE HOLMES this morning -- after a whirlwind three-month romance of rigid public kissing and clammy hand-holding. The 42-year-old actor and Holmes, 26, have been plagued by accusations their romance is a publicity stunt, because both stars have movies released this month -- Cruise stars in War of the Worlds while Holmes is in Batman Begins -- and because there is a distinct possibility that one of them is gay.
But Cruise put an "end" to the "rumors" today, by asking Holmes to "marry" him on the top of the Eiffel Tower, during a "romantic" "holiday" in Paris, before immediately darting off to call Game 5 of the NBA Finals for SkullGame Sports.
The thrilled hunk gushes, "Manu Ginobili is a wonderful left tackle, who really knows how to, um, put it down the middle on the third par." Clapping his hands together fretfully and pursing his lips Cruise added, "The Spurs were masterful in their win. And manly. And commanding...um, yes, I," switching to his robot voice, "I'm engaged to a magnificent woman."
In other totally creepy fucking news: The wedding will be a dream come true for Holmes, who fantasized about marrying the superstar as a child.
Jesus Fucking Cheerist.
FROM THE SAD ANNALS OF "WHAT'S A MILLIONAIRE TO DO?" ALICE IN CHAINS "STAR" "BROUGHT IN" TO "HELP" COURTNEY LOVE.
"HEYYYY...WHERE YA GOIN'?!?! COME ON, BACK!!! NEXT SONG??? THAS RIGHT...THE NEGRO SUCKS MY TIT...AGAAAAIIIINNNN!!!"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former ALICE IN CHAINS star JERRY CANTRELL, not close enough to enough death already, has answered the call to collaborate with murderess millionaire COURTNEY LOVE on her upcoming solo album.
The guitarist has joined ex-SMASHING PUMPKINS star BILLY CORGAN, some Olde English, Soma, Anadan, Neurontin, and pharmaceutical grade goofballs in the studio with Love who, in the hopes that lightning will strike twice, has plans to record a record called Snatchy Snatch Snatch.
Cantrell tells SkullGame, "She's [Love] an 'interesting' 'character'. We've gotten together a few times to work on some stuff for her next solo album. Especially if by 'work' you mean some sort of fumbling around the environs of my zipper. I understand she's also been 'working' with a bunch of people. I know Billy Corgan's been over there. But I threw a few things at her, coconut in nature, and I think we've come up with something different. Especially if by 'different' you mean involving 'multiple penises.' Or is it penii?"
Whatever.
"RAPE IS BACK IN STYLE," SAYS GOOD CHARLOTTE'S NOT-SO-GOOD STATUTORY RAPIST JOEL MADDEN.
VICTIM HILARY DUFF, RECUPERATING THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW: WITH HER TITS
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In a 100-foot-leap into injudicious fucking stupidity JOEL MADDEN from Good Charlotte was recently quoted in the Hollywood Police Gazetteer, "me and Hilary, a teenager under the age of 18, are an item." Madden and movie beauty and jailus baitus HILARY DUFF have finally confessed, confessed being the operative word, they are a couple and have been dating since July 2004, when Duff was just 16 years old making Madden a sex offender.
The 26-year-old singer and Duff will officially announce their romance when they co-present the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami on August 28, because it's one month before Duff turns 18 -- the legal age to have sexual intercourse in California. Unless, apparently, you are Joel Madden.
Duff famously romanced pop hunk and serial molester AARON CARTER in 2003 during his relationship with LOLITA LINDSAY LOHAN, but she now prefers the modest, introspective personality of her new lover, Madden, reports newspaper USA Today, qualities that will serve him well whilst lunging from man attackers in Soledad State Prison.
The press speculated the couple denied reports they were dating because Madden could be arrested for statutory rape if he seduced the underage star, but Duff insists nothing will change when she comes of age: "I don't feel like there's anything that I can do when I'm 18 that I can't do now vis a vis cock sucking and ass fucking and such. Nothing's going to change. Nope. I mean not in relation to the aforementioned cock sucking and ass fucking and such."
She adds, "As a good and honest girl he helps me explore the flip side of myself, the darker side." A side that will serve him well in his 16-month stay at Soledad hiding out from ass bandits.
When reached for comment MICHAEL JACKSON said, "well, I'll be GODdamned."
