ITALIAN SAL INTERVIEWS: A FAT WHORE WHO WILL MAKE US MUCH MONEY BY BEING FUCKED BY A SUCCESSION OF STRANGERS UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SOME CONFUSED NOTION REGARDING ART
IT'S NOT SO MUCH THE SUCKING OF COCKS, YOU SEE. IT'S THE ART OF THE SUCKING OF COCKS
ITALIAN SAL: Hi Joy. Tell me about this date with porn destiny you went on with JULES JORDAN. Don’t forget all the painfully boring details either.
MISS JOY KITTY: This date stuff... I'm just not into it. The following story from last night is the perfect example of why I rarely go on them. I'd much rather hang with friends, go have a beer, or stay home and fold my underwear.
ITALIAN SAL: Yeah, I bet. I figure the last pair of underwear you folded were just as quickly unfolded and used to mop up a load on your chin. Now if you will please continue, just try not to make it so dull that we gouge out our own eyes while stabbing at our ears just for having heard you. Please continue.
MISS JOY KITTY: But, you know...I try to be optimistic so I agreed to go on a date with this guy...
ITALIAN SAL: Wow, you are so fucking magnanimous. How very fucking white of you, to give this poor slob a chance sight unseen, man, your kindness is boundless. Limitless. Please continue.
MISS JOY KITTY: Who is not on MySpace, in case you were wondering. He was attractive, except for the soul patch. How could I have overlooked that when I met him? I kept staring at it throughout the night... marveling at my apparent failure to pay attention to detail last weekend. Note to people with soul patches: I'm not dissing the soul patch- if you have one, I'm sure it looks good. On the right person it looks good. This guy just had a really long one, and he shouldn't have had one.
ITALIAN SAL: Wow it's funny that you would take issue with his facial hair choice when you allow your facial to grow unchecked. Very interesting indeed. Anyhow, facial hair aside, tell me how this “date” started.
MISS JOY KITTY: Anyway, I had to pick him up. Which is fine by me, because I like to have my car in case I need to make a quick getaway. He WAS a nice, polite guy, don't get me wrong. But when he popped Depeche Mode into the stereo while he put on his jacket, I felt a twinge of horror. I stood there nervously jangling my keys, looking around the room at the assorted tribal masks and statues. It was like a Cost Plus showroom. I mean, the stuff is nice but... oh well, anyway...
YOU FELT A TWINGE OF HORROR? YOU???? YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US?!?! WE'RE HAVING A FUCKING HORROR HEART ATTACK OVER HERE
ITALIAN SAL: Are you going to get on with this or what? I’m convinced you just like to hear yourself talk. What happens on the date?
MISS JOY KITTY: OK, OK, we went to a bar down the street. I only had one drink. During the date, I was told these things: A. I look the way girls used to look. (??? How did they used to look?!)
ITALIAN SAL: Apparently like men. Please continue.
MISS JOY KITTY: And B. He didn't think I would be quite so smart when he first met me at the bar. (And the reason being?? My skirt too short or something? Do smart girls not wear short skirts?) He said that when he first saw me he was attracted to me, and then I said something and then he KNEW. (Oh brother... what the hell did I say? I'm sure it was something highly intellectual, no doubt... I mean, I'd had 3 vodka sodas at this point. Who knows what sort of wit and wisdom I spewed!)
ITALIAN SAL: You told him you would blow him and his friends. Please, please continue.
MISS JOY KITTY: Um, C. I am not like the other girls in LA. Well, this is a no brainer! I don't have an identical twin and last time I checked, everyone has different genes. D. If I am good at artwork, then I should be good at music. Now, I KNOW I can NOT sing and am also tone deaf. At about 11:30 I told him I had to get up early the next morning and had to go. When I dropped him off he asked me to come up and I told him I wasn't that kind of girl. Then he said that next time we go out he'd take me for a ride on his motorcycle. Sure, man. After stopping at a neighborhood bar to say hello to my friend who was djing, I went home and happily folded my socks.
ITALIAN SAL: Jesus Fucking Christ. The fact that anyone in the world wants to let their cock have anything at all to do with your mustached face, much less a millionaire like JULES FUCKING JORDAN, fills us with an almost unmentionable and creeping horror. HOWEVER, if anyone wants this ho for fucking and sucking work feel free to contact her, or her manager JOSEFINA, for bachelor party, private, and video bookings directly at joykitty@hotmail.com. CC us here if you're talking about serious money (vinnie@skullgame.com). She don't want nothing to do with no money. Oh no. We'll handle that. STILL.
STAR WARS GAYNESS EPIDEMIC HITS HOMOS HARD, NON-HOMOS EVEN HARDER, AS MEN BEGIN DRESSING IN SKIRTS & ENGAGING IN PIQUANTLY PRISSY DILDO, ER, "LIGHTSABRE" PLAY
"MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU." "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!" "ANAL SEX?" "WHY, YES!"
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- A high-end Chelsea gym has been slapped with a $25,000 lawsuit claiming that gay sex is rampant in the locker room and that the club's staff has been unable to stop the steamy high jinks. Carlos Sosa, 34, of Manhattan says he expected the posh David Barton Gym on West 23rd Street to be the normal exercise center its management says it is.
But he says he was shocked to see men performing sex acts on each other in the shower, ogling him in the locker room and leering at him as he changed clothes. "The gym misrepresented what they are all about," said Sosa's lawyer, Brian Kennedy. "They represented themselves as a serious place where you actually work out — but it became a saucy steam room that reminds me of the ancient Roman baths. Every time I go there, and I'm there sometimes 11 times a day, there are mens involved in all sorts of unseemly behavior, largely on my upturned ass. It's a tragedy, I tell you. 11 times a day."
The David Barton Gym was hailed as one of the city's hottest new workout centers by those who favor hot man to man action when it opened last year in a building that had housed the YMCA that reputedly inspired the famous Village People gay anthem, if that wasn't obvious enough. "They needed a security guard to monitor the showers, the locker room and the steam room," Sosa told The Post. "If that's not peculiar, I don't know what is."
MATT DILLON, CALVIN KLEIN have all been spotted at the upscale gyms run by Barton. As of press time TOM "STILL NOT GAY" CRUISE is being very, very, very quiet.
Sosa is seeking his membership fee back, and $25,000 for emotional distress and the fact that this article has nothing at all to do with STAR WARS.
FOR THE 600TH TIME SOMEONE INSISTING: TOM CRUISE IS NOT GAY; AMERICA STILL UNMOVED
HE MAKES ME LIE ON MY STOMACH, FUCKS MY ASS & CALLS ME GREGORY. IS THAT SO STRANGE?!??!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- TOM "STILL NOT GAY" CRUISE's "romance" with "Katie Holmes" is "true love", not a publicity stunt -- according to veteran journalist and notorious fag hag Barbara Walters. Cruise, who "dated" PENELOPE CRUZ after his "marriage" to NICOLE KIDMAN ended, has faced speculation almost as raging and mincing as his non-gayness, that his new romance with Holmes is for show since going public with her last month.
But the mannish Walters, who saw the couple at Oprah Winfrey's recent Legends Ball in California and who also, it should be noted, has denied the existence of the Holocaust, is convinced they're for real. She says, "As I was coming out my room, coming out of the same area was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. We took their picture and they were sort of painfully cuddling...maybe it was cold or something...and so on. There were no photographers there except us. That is me and ANNIE LEIBOWITZ. They were not doing this for show. If this is publicity then I am Tina Turner! They really seemed into each other."
Whatever.
KATE MOSS SINGS A SONG OF SIXPENCE. LOUDLY. CONTINUALLY.
"I SAID 'WHIP IT!!! WHIP IT GOOD!!!'" KATE MOSS EMBARRASSES EVERYONE EXCEPTING HERSELF
LONDON (SkullGame) -- Supermodel KATE MOSS stunned, shocked, appalled, defamed, and about 13 other words we're too stunned, shocked, appalled, and defamed to even write, fans of her boyfriend Pete Doherty's band Babyshambles by joining them for an impromptu, alcohol-fueled performance on Friday. After "impressing" "friends" with her "vocal" "talents" at her 31st birthday party earlier this year, the catwalk queen was eager to test her singing on the paying public, who were soon to be paying in ways that they had never even imagined.
Students at Trinity College, Dublin, were impressed with what they heard at their May Ball. Impressed like the Japs at Hiroshima were impressed.
A partygoer says, "Kate was in the crowd when the band came on at about 3 am. Suddenly, she climbed on to the stage in the middle of the set, grabbed a microphone and started singing along."
Muttering darkly, Eugene Robinson from OXBOW said, "like to see her try that shit at an OXBOW show."
