SKULLGAME PERSONAL of the GODDAMNED WEEK:
OVER LAND, OVER SEA SOMEWHERE A CRACKHEAD WAITS FOR ME!!!
Single White Male looking for girl who smokes crack…a lot. I don’t smoke crack although I do find the idea of you running around my apartment frantically stealing shit sort of attractive. I like to imagine me sitting on the couch whilst you awkwardly try to slide hummell figurines down your dirty pants. Yeah, I would love that.
...SO WOULD I, BABY. SO WOULD I.
After I make like I didn’t see you stealing my stuff we could haggle prices for various sex acts that will be strictly mechanical on your part; you know, crackwhore style. Then, afterward I can think of different ways to get you out of my apartment, my favorite being: the let's-go-for-a-walk routine, wherein I get you out of my house on the premise of taking a walk. Once we get outside my building I will bolt only to return hours later.
If you are a sexy, or even not so sexy, crack smoker, please contact me. I am also into tweekers, cokeheads, dope fiends and huffers; I have spray paint and a bag.
COURTNEY LOVE ON ALL-COCONUT OIL DIET; COCONUTS PLEASED
"HIIIII, BOYS!!!!" CAROL CHANNING LOOKING EERILY LIKE COURTNEY LOVE
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- CAROL-CHANNING impersonator COURTNEY LOVE is currently on a controversial liquid diet to get herself in shape after her string of legal woes.
The former Hole frontwoman, who has been in and out of court on various charges over the last few months, admits she is now on the other side of a "little nut-bag breakdown" and is marking her fresh lease on life by embarking on the Master Cleanse diet.
COURTNEY LOVE AFTER ONLY THREE DAYS ON THE DIET: CAN YOU FEEL THE CHANGE?
She says, "(The diet) is cayenne pepper and maple syrup and lemon juice (plus water), and loads and loads of, um, well, loads. And you do it for 21 days. The loads that is."
As of press time CAROL CHANNING could not be reached.
LINDSAY LOHAN HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS: AGAIN.
THE FIRST THING YOU LEARN IS YOU ALWAYS GOT TO WAIT
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Teen cream queen LINDSAY LOHAN had a "screaming and crying" phone call with ex-love, or dealer, Wilmer Valderrama, only days before the couple split.
The actress "ended" her "relationship" with Valderrama, 24, last week. The couple began publicly "dating" on Lohan's 18th birthday in July. According to well placed sources, Lohan was so "upset" during a cover shoot for Jane magazine recently, her representative delayed the shoot.
A source claims Lohan grew hysterical when Valderrama phoned her to tell her "he could not pick it up." Numerous guesses were tendered as to what "it" could be before Heroin raised its hand.
After the make-up artist attempted to calm down the "sad" star, the shoot was reportedly canceled "shortly thereafter because it appeared that Lindsay couldn't pull it back together." Lohan's representative denies Lohan was upset, saying, "Lindsay is a professional and the shoot was fine. Just fine. Nothing to see here. Just keep on walking, people. Give her room to breathe."
HOUSE CALLS WITH THE DOCTOR: WELCOME TO HOUSTON, NOW COUGH
THE LAND OF HARSH REALITY: NOT ONE OF THESE SLUTS WILL FUCK HIM
HOUSTON (SkullGame) -- Nothing will make my disposition better than sitting in a nice place with a cold drink in my hand and a naked girl on my lap. Nothing, that is, EXCEPT the above immediately preceded by having my ears shredded by 4 hours of GODSMACK and METALLICA.
So when I was in Houston recently to experience the aforementioned aural barrage, an anonymous tip that METALLICA would probably be visiting local flesh gallery THE MEN'S CLUB after the show sent me and the boys off to the bank to get a roll of $1's and after the concert we made our way to the club.
We were told at the door that our attire was not suitable. I offered to remove my shirt so that I might fit in a little better, and the doorman called the manager who threatened to summon the gendarme. Back in the cab, the very helpful cabbie told us that we would like TREASURES just as much, if not better.
SO IF YOU ARE EVER IN HOUSTON FOR ANY REASON, I ADVISE YOU TO
PROCEED EXACTLY AS I AM ABOUT TO DELINEATE!
1) Get whatever lame ass activity you used as your excuse to
come to Houston over with and concoct your alibi.
2) Go to TREASURES as soon as they open up.
3) Go to the bar and ask for AUBURN. Valkyriesque, and proportioned like a dream that makes you yearn to be in a coma forever, AUBURN is like every beautiful girl you ever fantasized about, only more so. When she shows up, start stuffing money into her g-string and don't stop until you are out of money or they throw you out in the rain. Then try to sneak back in through the bathroom window. Ask Yoza if you don't know how to do that.
Seriously, this place IS WHAT A STRIP CLUB IS SUPPOSED TO BE. Lots of great-looking girls who are very friendly--Yoza even got one to sit on his lap despite the puke breath and the large goiter-like bruise on his neck where he had fallen down the stairs at the show. KIM and ASHLEY were lovely, but AUBURN is not only absolutely dazzling to look at, but also so brilliant a conversationalist that I nearly forgot that I am a loser who has to pay to have a girl sit on his lap.
In death as in life...cockside up: OL' DIRTY BASTARD's final call
"I'M THE PARANOID NIGGA AT YOUR PARTY."
