LAST time we went to fucking EUROPE for a long time we did a stunning investigative report on the BIGGEST SLUTS IN EUROPE. This time, aforementioned sluts were barely visible but for the incredibly vast profusion of AMERICAN COLLEGE ASSHOLES, pictured here doing what they do best.

FAGGING IT THE FUCK UP & THUSLY BLOCKING TRAFFIC & OUR ACCESS TO EUROPEAN SLUTTERY. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH SIGMA CHI.

JESSICA ALBA MAKES INSANE APPEAL FOR MORE COCK; SKULLGAME FALLS OVER ITSELF GETTING TO HER MOUTH

JESSICA ALBA: "TITS? WHAT TITS?" THE WORLD: "WHERE'D THAT VOICE COME FROM? WHAT MOUTH? OHHHH....I DIDN'T NOTICE THE FACE. MY BAD."

INSANIA (SkullGame) -- Movie beauty JESSICA ALBA, in the face of all prevailing evidence to the contrary, has stunned her teen fans by appealing for more male nudity in women's magazines in the mistaken belief that the cunts that ain't fucking us now want to SEE the cocks they ain't fucking just for "fun."

The 26-year-old "Fantastic Four" actress is disgusted by the inequality between gender-targeted publications, and is leading a campaign for more explicit nudity for female readers, despite the fact that no women anywheres in America has expressed any interest in seeing our wizened and underused sausages.

She tells GQ magazine, "Men's magazines have nipples, so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me. I won't go naked in my films, because I don't want to. Because I am a filthy lying whore. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see a whole sea of cocks belonging to men I don't know, don't care about and would in all likelihood hate."

Alba famously threatened to sue Playboy magazine when she appeared on the cover of the March 2006 issue among its 25 Sexiest Celebrities. She complained the publication had used her image (from a promotional shot for movie "Into the Blue") without her consent, allegedly giving the appearance she was featured in the issue in a "nude pictorial." However, $he later dropped the law$uit after receiving a per$onal apology from Playboy owner HUGH HEFNER, who agreed to make donations to two charitie$ that Alba $upported (her tits, respectively).

EVA LONGORIA NETS HERSELF A NEAR-NEGRO; SKULLGAME NOT INVITED.

HERE'S THE "HAPPY" "GROOM"

PARIS (SkullGame) -- EVA LONGORIA, the "Desperate Housewives" star turned up at a city hall in Paris, France, in a limousine wearing a short pink Chanel dress with striped black and white straps -- while her new husband arrived in a mini van wearing a dark grey suit. And a scowl as he envisioned all of the pussy he will never see again, a number, in total, so large as to cause him quite a few serious moments of global reflection.

Couples who marry in France must take their vows at a city hall -- even if they are planning to have a church wedding as well. The ceremony was officiated by Paris Mayor Bertrand Delanoe. And Miserable Life Long Matrimonial Death.

"They took me to this Museum. Holo...Holo-something or other. They called it 'The Museum of German Achievement'. Anyways we went there and they gave us these kicky little museum badges that look like yellow stars and said 'Jude' inside them. I mean how did they know I'm a Beatles fan?!?! Well, it was just extremely thoughtful, that's all I'm saying."

WHAT HAPPENS TO NAUGHTY NAZIS WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT WITH THEIR HANDS IN THE GENOCIDAL COOKIE JAR ONE TIME TOO MANY

ON THE EASTERN FRONT: UBERMODEL HEIDI KLUM DEFEATS LOGIC; LOGIC MYSTIFIED

OHHHH....I SEE. SHE'S GOT CREAM ALL OVER HER ASS!!! WHY YES, THAT IS HILARIOUS MS. KLUM. MY "SPECIAL" FROSTING MADE WITH MY "SPECIAL" SAUCE IS ONE FUCKING LAFF RIOT. NOW, UM, RUB SOME ON YOUR LIPS, IF YOU WOULD. GREAT...GREAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BY THE WAY, HOW'S THAT WHOLE RACE TRAITOR THING WORKING OUT FOR YOU? GOOD. GOOOOOOD. GLAD TO HEAR IT.

BERLIN (SkullGame) -- German SuperModel HEIDI KLUM'S famous long legs have been valued at more than $1.8 million by a jewelry specialist, lunatic and desperate-for-any-kind-of-publicity-at-all, John Souglides.

Souglides, from auction house Phillips De Pury & Co., assessed the Victoria's Secret skag's legs using the principles of jewelry evaluation -- length, shape, rarity, commercial value and the likelihood that cracking them open will lead to someone getting fucked -- so the 31-year-old can be insured for the duration of her ads for Braun's latest hair removal product.

Souglides says, "Having valued static objects for 15 years, it makes for a refreshing change to be asked to, um, get a knuckle-deep evaluation of the value of something living, breathing, yielding and warm and wet to the touch of my trembling hand."

"Phillips De Pury has been in the valuation business since 1796. Although we have valued some unusual and unique pieces in that time, this is the first time we have ever been asked to value a hot Nazi bitch like this one."