LINDSAY LOHAN'S ATTORNEY ANNOYED BY COKE SNORTING PICS: "FRIENDS DON'T SNAP CELL PHONE PICS OF FRIENDS SNORTING COKE. FRIENDS ALSO DON'T TELL FRIENDS THAT THEY DIDN'T SCORE & SNEAK OFF TO THE BATHROOM TO LEAVE CERTAIN LAWYER FRIENDS SITTING AT THE FUCKING TABLE $200 BILLS LIGHTER WHILE OTHER FRIENDS SNORT A WHOLE 8-BALL BY THEMSELVES, I GUESS."
"I'M AM NOT SNORTING COKE," SAYS LINDSAY LOHAN WHILST SNORTING COKE. "NOT ANYMORE THAN I WAS WEARING INVISIBLE UNDERWEAR."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- LINDSAY LOHAN's lawyer has blasted his nostrils AND her so-called friends who he fears sold images of the actress/singer "allegedly" snorting cocaine in a bathroom, a car park, a butcher shop and off of a parking meter to a British newspaper.
News of the World printed the photos of what looked like Lohan snorting cocaine with friends in a Los Angeles club bathroom in its Sunday editions, and the actress is said to be "inconsolable" about the latest scandal. Mostly on account of having just run out of gak.
Lohan reportedly fears she'll be condemned for collecting cash from friends, associates and Mexican busboys and then appearing to be taking drugs she purchased for them but never returned to them just 20 days after she completed an anti-drug-burn rehab spell in Los Angeles.
A pal tells Life & Style magazine that the 20-year-old was "crying hysterically," adding, "She's convinced that everyone is out to get her. And not give her the 'good' stuff."
And now her attorney, Mike Heller, has weighed in to the scandal to reprimand friends who Lohan told him had taken the "good" stuff, forced her to give them all of his money, and then hide from him for three days before calling for an advance on her "um, salary." "This just goes to show how hard it is to get good coke and even more significantly get that good coke to Lindsay Lohan, who's even denied the 'good' stuff in the sacred confines of a ladies' room stall and then must fend off the 'slings' and 'arrows' of 'false' 'allegation'."
AND from earlier in the week.............
TAMPON SMOKER, SEMEN SIPPER PARIS HILTON OFF TO DISCOVER WHY THEY CALL IT THE "POKEY" ANYWAY. PLUS: IN A CELEBRATION OF ALL THINGS MEXICANISCH WE REGALE YOU WITH TALES OF SINKO DE MAYO, A SANDWICH USUALLY EAT BEFORE SWIMMING.
HEIRESS PARIS TO TRAMP THROUGH JAIL IN PUSSY FOR A PACK SALE. “I DON’T EVEN READ MY MAIL,” SLUT WAILS. “WE KNOW YOU CAN’T, DEAR. WE KNOW IT ALL TOO WELL.”—A JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORT
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IN A RECENTLY ROLLED OUT ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE HILTON WING OF THE CENTURY REGIONAL DETENTION CENTER, A CLEARLY INEBRIATED MS. HILTON, PLUS TITTIES, IS SHOWN IN THE MIDST OF HAVING HER “PURSE” PILFERED BY A MYSTERY GEORGE CLOONEY—AN EXERCISE IN FAMILIAL BRANDING THAT GOES ONE STEP FURTHER IN BEING PROOF POSITIVE THAT NO CRIME IS SAFE FROM A CUNT.
Los Angeles (SkullGame) -- A Los Angeles county judge sentenced PARIS HILTON to 45 days in jail Friday after repeated violations of the hotel heiress’ probation terms—a legal botheration stemming from a late 2006 arrest for drunk driving.
Hilton, the notorious socialite and partial heir to the Hilton Family hotel fortune, has been a mainstay in the press in recent years, having become a regular hot topic for tabloid journalists and bloggers alike while relentlessly cultivating an image that has become synonymous in popular circles with continuous partying, white girl privilege, inter-species fellatio, and trial packages of Valtrex.
Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer ruled that Hilton, listed in court documents as being 182 in dog years, report to the Century Regional Detention Center by or before June 5th, disregarding pleas from Hilton’s mother that her daughter be allowed to serve her term in work release or in an “alternative jail environment” such as the punitive Waldorf-Astoria or one of the family’s numerous mansions in Hollywood and the Hamptons.
"I don’t even read my mail, I have people that do that for me,” Hilton explained to the court when questioned why she ignored official documents informing her that her license was to be suspended during the time she was detained by LAPD officers for reckless driving and suspicion of dog sucking-offing.
“I'm very sorry, and from now on, I'm going to pay complete attention to everything even if it has words on it and other stuff that makes me hurt. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all,” the “star” offered before spilling a Cosmopolitan down her dress, adopting an expression of bewilderment and showing her weathered vagina to a visibly depressed courtroom of onlookers.
As a city prosecutor said during closing arguments that Hilton deserved jail time, bitch of a mother Kathy laughed as she scribbled notes pertaining to the extermination of all mud peoples before asking the judge: "May I have your autograph?"
Hilton family lawyer Howard Weitzman said he would appeal, telling members of the Associated Press that he was "shocked, surprised, and really disheartened in the system that I've Jewed my way through for close to 40 years. Last I checked my patent on pity didn’t expire for at least another 7 years."
"Do I need to call Steven Spielberg here?"
When reached for comment by SkullGame reporters, Hilton’s sister, Nicky, claimed that Paris was training for her upcoming incarceration by "studying the penile system tirelessly.”
AND from earlier in the week...
AND ON THIS THE FIFTH DAY OF MAY SKULLGAME WISHES YOU ALL A HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!!! AS WE CELEBRATE BY ROLLING A BONE WITH BRITNEY, HUFFING A MUGGLE WITH ACID RAIN'S MITCH SPINELLI AND SQUEEZING A FATTY WITH PARIS HILTON
Well, we weren't too sure when Cinco De Mayo was and we didn't know what it was about or even why it's celebrated but we figured it had something to do with swimming and sandwich toppings and so here it is, the official Mexican Culture Day celebration of all things Mexican: HAPPY-O CINCO-O DE-O MAYO-O!!!
OUR FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, MARIA ELENA, AT POOLSIDE ABOUT TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY OF SWIMMING MEXICANS
BRITNEY SMOKES THE DOPE, THE DOPES SMOKE
YOU GOT TO HAVE THE DOUGH…OR BE READY TO GET THEM KNEES DIRTY
AMSTERDAM (SkullGame) – Twinkie-eating, pickle juice drinking slattern and “singer” BRITNEY SPEARS has been rolling bones with boyfriend Kevin Federline in Amsterdam, Holland.
The pop superstar told regulars, passersby, and complete fucking strangers at The Bulldog coffee shop in Amsterdam, where marijuana use is legal, that she enjoyed pot smoking, according to American magazine In Touch.
One customer, Marc Van Der Vlies, told reporters, "Britney was smoking a joint, for sure. She was in a very good mood. She said to Kevin, 'I love the smell of it, it's really awesome.' Then she asked if some guy across the room was a cop. She seemed to think he looked like a cop. She was pretty sure he was a cop. And then she started crying. The whole thing was strangely, very much like her music: a total fucking buzzkill."
MITCHELL SPINELLI: A GREAT MEXICAN!!!
OLE!!!
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- His goddamned name is one of those legacy porn names that if you're even the slightest bit conversant with porn and where it’s been the last 30 years you’ve already heard it.
Spinelli. Spinelli. Yeah, yeah. First, Anthony (brother of character actor great Jack Weston) the father, and now the son, former 17-year-old wunderkind and screenwriter for the Dad, and now the proprietor of ACID RAIN.
But what the hell is he doing on SKULLGAME? With VINNIE ROSE, no less?
Talking shit and pimping the fuck out of the ACID RAIN line which, if history is any indicator, is going to do for Gonzo what his Dad did for big-budget art-house porn: make it all a little bit smarter, faster, and better than anyone else.
Oh YEAH? YEAH!!!
SkullGame: So uh, you’re actually not Italian is that right? You’re a proud son of Mexico?
Mitchell Spinelli: Ah, no. I mean that’s not quite right. I’m Jewish.
SG: That’s what the fuck I meant. I knew that. ITALIAN SAL does our research for us, especially if by research you mean “smoking marijuana” and so sometimes…
MS: Say no more.
SG: So some might say that it’s just a craven cash grab on your part though that you’re now doing Gonzo porn versus the high-tone shit that you were known for? Like you’re slumming or something.
MS: These are people who don’t know much about gonzo then. Gonzo might seem easier logistically but it’s driven by instinct and it’s definitely a discipline. There are no $300-400,000 budgets anymore. No exotic locations. The star system has changed and Gonzo is more driven by good, strong male leads. You know, dudes who can show some direction. And there are no stories to speak of, but the hardest part to fake and that’s because we’ve got this pretty educated consumer now, is the intensity, the roughness, the reality of it. You gotta feel the dirt. People won’t buy the fake. They want the real. And real sells.
AVA DEVINE AT FEEDING TIME
SG: So that’s it? Make it real and they will, so to speak, come?
MS: Well that’s a big job because you can’t fake the real. So the talent is important. Not only the dudes like I was saying but obviously the women too. I was thinking the other day like where do these new pornstars find the time. They show up at 18 and they’re doing double anal. In the old days ANAL was a big deal. But you seen our movies though. What do YOU think?
SG: Well I dug STACK EM' DEEP but CORNHOLIO didn’t like your use of an undercover tranny in GIVE ME GAPE #1.
MS: Whatever. The point is this: We want to get where ANABOLIC is. Where RED LIGHT is. Where ZERO TOLERANCE is. I want to get us to the top.
SG: And we SALUTE you for making the nation of Mexico proud of one of its native sons
PARIS HILTON TO LAUNCH SINGING CAREER
ME, ME, ME, ME, ME…C’MON. I’M JUST WARMING UP!!!
NEVERNEVERLAND (SkullGame) -- Pop homo and hater of all things musical JC Chasez predicts sexy hotel heiress PARIS HILTON is destined for a glittering career in something other than cock sucking and fucking on videotape, namely music -- after being stunned by her rock chick vocals.
The former 'N Sync singer offered his assholish and ill-informed opinion on Paris' solo recordings in a vain effort to score some well used pussy after she invited him to “swap” ideas about her upcoming release, which is a lot like asking Hitler to contribute to a Jew charity.
The singer says "I'm not recording with Paris. No, no, no, a thousand times, no, but I've talked to her about ideas for her record. Her first song's gonna surprise a lot of people. Let's just say she's a rock 'n' roll girl! And I don’t mean that in any kind of a way that could possibly be construed in a positive way."
SINGING A TUNE SHE KNOWS ALL TOO WELL
He adds, "I'm proud of her for being brave enough to do it, because she knows she's going to stand under a microscope and everybody's going to scrutinize the hell out of her. But at least this time, there’ll be no facial cumshot."
