AND because we sobered up early and are doing this page on Sunday we'd like to thank our brethren at the FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH of Bayview for their steadfast help, moral leadership, and incalculable aid in helping us SELL as much porno as possible.
YOU GODDAMNED RIGHT HE DOES. AND SO SHOULD YOU. BUY MORE PORN!!! BITCHES.
TYRA BANKS, BIG FRIED CHICKEN FAN, HAS GOTTEN FAT[TER]. IN HER TITS. BOTH OF THEM. NON-GAY AMERICA REJOICES.
"I THINK IT'S CRUEL FOR THEM TO SAY I'VE GOTTEN FATTER," SAYS TYRA, TEARS IN HER EYES. YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER. WAIT. SHE'S GOT EYES?
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- TYRA BANKS, who has gained weight since her days of strutting the catwalk, vomiting, strutting the catwalk some more, running more rails of coke than Allied Freight Lines, and strutting the catwalk even faster, says she was upset when unflattering photos showing her in a one-piece bathing suit were mocked on the Internet.
"It was such a strange meanness and rejoicing that people had when thinking that was what my body looked like. It was really hurtful to me to think that perhaps America wasn't masturbating to pictures of me with the same vigorous abandon that they once had," the 33-year-old talk-show host says in an interview in the Feb. 5 issue of People magazine.
The photos show Banks on a beach during a recent trip to Sydney, Australia. They had popped up earlier this month on a celebrity gossip Web site, SKULLGAME.COM, with the not-so-nice headline: "Tyra Banks is Fat. And She Sucks A Nice Fat Cock, Too!"
Banks, who hosts the syndicated "The Tyra Banks Show" and the CW network's "America's Next Top Model," tells the magazine she weighs 161 pounds, give or take a bucket of KFC, and has fluctuated from 8 pounds to 12 pounds per tit, depending on how well she's taking care of herself, since retiring from modeling, cocaine and vomiting in 2005.
"I don't want to sit in front of you and be soap-boxy and fake like I have been my entire career and say, 'I love myself, I'm beautiful, it's great, masturbate to my golden knockers all DAY if you like!'" says Banks, who is 5 feet 10 inches tall. "I still feel hot, and fried chicken full, but every day is different. Some days it's ribs. Other days it's red beans and rice. But it's when I put on the jeans that used to fit a year ago and don't fit now when I say, 'Damn!'"
Banks mumbled on and on about some other crap that had nothing at all to do with her tits which we hadn't stopped watching since she started whining about something or other.
PARIS HILTON'S "NEW" "SEX" VID "ACCIDENTALLY" HITS THE INTERNET. THE INTERNET, HAVING SEEN ENTIRELY ENOUGH OF HER WITH A COCK IN HER MOUTH, YAWNS. ROLLS OVER.
SAME TITS, DIFFERENT VIDEO. OH HEY, LOOK. IT'S THAT JOE FRANCIS DUDE!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis "desperately" tried to "buy" "back" "intimate" video footage he shot with hotel heiress PARIS HILTON that is now being shown on the Internet. Eespecially if by "buy" you mean "sell" to the sadly-overestimating-the-size-of-this-slut's- appeal internet geniuses at Parisexposed.com.
Hilton is considering taking legal action for a larger slice of the hairpie against the new Web site, ParisExposed.com, which features cock-in-mouth video footage and semen-drinking photos she left in a Los Angeles-based storage locker.
Francis, who was "dating" the "heiress" when they shot "private" videos, tried to get the items back, but refused to pay the millions of dollars the broker was asking for. Though he was quite happy to receive payment with points on their gross sales.
He tells E! News, "I was actually trying to negotiate to get my tapes back, but we were unsuccessful. They had asked me for $7 million bucks. I said no way would I accept less than 2 mil with 4 points on the gross take.
"At 'Girls Gone Wild' there's a reason why we get consent from people. Because we can't disseminate their image without their drunken, coked-up permission. I shot the tapes and there are pictures of me and somebody else disseminated it without my permission for less than the 2 + the 4 points.
"This was meant to be a 'private' video that I made with an eye to future sales with my 'girlfriend' at the time, who was Paris Hilton, a slut."
GEORGE CLOONEY AIN'T FOOLING NOBODY BY CHOOSING SEMEN SPONGE PAMELA ANDERSON AS HIS LATEST BEARD. AIN'T. FOOLING. NO. FUCKING. BODY.
TIME ELAPSED PHOTOGRAPHY REVEALS: IF YOU HANG AROUND IN THE BARBERSHOP LONG ENOUGH? YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA GET A HAIRCUT!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- GEORGE CLOONEY and PAMELA ANDERSON have become Hollywood's most unlikely, emphasis on HIGHLY FUCKING UNLIKELY, couple after the pair was spotted frolicking together on a romantic, fun, private dinner date at a sidewalk table in the middle of Wilshire Blvd.
Oscar-winner Clooney then moved on to a booked private room at Sherman Oaks, Calif., restaurant the Valley Inn, and entertained the former "Baywatch" babe there on January 7, according to reports that he himself called into to combat the persistent and dogged rumors of his dick loving ways.
And since that evening, which ended with Anderson sitting on her date's lap, for the cameras, the odd couple has been spotted out and about, enjoying dog walks, and other seemingly non-sexual hetersosexual activities together.
A pal says, "George and Pam have been determined to keep this one quiet. From the press in Sri Lanka."
