THIS Oscar night coverage is being brought to you by THE PURSES OF KRISTINA & EMMA, which we plundered on promise of show viewage on our expansive flat screen TV only to deliver sausage and robbery instead.
"SURROUND SOUND TOO?" OH, FUCK YEAHHHH, BABY....WE GOT ALLA THAT. BALL PARK FRANKS TOO!!!
HAS THERE EVER BEEN AN EVENT MORE GAY? SKULLGAME SAYS: YES. POSSIBLY FIGURE SKATING. OR A CREED CONCERT. BUT THIS IS CLOSE. VERY, VERY, VERY... CLOSE...
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Professional liar and slow talker PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN and multimillionaire REESE WITHERSPOON were awarded best actor and actress honors Sunday at the Academy Awards, for more closely mimicking real people than the other drama club thespians in attendance who were mimicking fake people. Hoffman won for his portrayal of Truman Capote in Capote, while Witherspoon won her Oscar for playing June Carter Cash in the Johnny Cash biography, Walk the Line.
In related gay news events hunk HEATH LEDGER, passed over for BEST ACTOR, stormed off of the dais and out of the Hollywood auditorium whilst waving his hands and spitting "SO ALL THE DUDE KISSING WAS FOR NOTHING?!!? NOTHING!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST," [spit, spit], "FUCK. JESUS. CAN I GET A DRINK? THANKS. IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FEW MORE OF THESE TO WASH ALLA THAT GAYNESS OUTTA MY MOUTH. FUCK. THANKS FOR NOTHING FAGTOWN!!!"
HEATH LEDGER, PRE-EXPLOSION, SPREADING GAYNESS WHEREVER HE GOES...
Earlier, GEORGE CLOONEY won best supporting actor at the 78th Academy Awards for his performance as a CIA man who starts unraveling the truth in the political thriller Syriana. Clooney, who also was nominated for best director and best original screenplay for Good Night, and Good Luck, acknowledged critics who accuse the film industry of being out of touch with the American mainstream -- but he said, "It's probably a good thing."
"We're the ones who were talking about men kissing men when it was just being whispered, and we talked about man-on-man backrubs when it wasn't really popular ... I'm proud to be a part of this academy of multimillionaires and sodomites, proud to be a part of this community of the extremely wealthy and proud to be out of touch with non-sausage-based forms of communication," he said.
This year's ceremony though threatened to be one of the most politically charged in recent memory, with the themes of the nominated pictures and host JON STEWART, who made his name mocking politics on Comedy Central's late-night The Daily Show, pointing out the absurdities of both parties through election campaigns, scandal and simple Washington inefficiency.
DIRECTOR ANG LEE & HIS "WIFE" LOOKING AS COMFORTABLY HETEROSEXUAL AS RIP TAYLOR.
Without a blockbuster rooting interest, though, there are questions as to whether this year's awards might be among the least watched ever. But Stewart, who was brought in as much for his popularity among younger viewers as his comedic expertise, had a cheeky response to that. "It's going to be the most controversial Oscars ever," he told SkullGame. "I would not be surprised if the whole country tunes in to get their per annum infusion of filmic depictions of full-blown anal love."
BUSH GIVES THE “OK” ON INDIAN NUCLEAR ARMAMENT IN ROACH-RANCHING RAID MEASURE. TELLS PAKISTAN TO WEAVE RUG, AND SLEEP, TIGHT. JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORTS!!!
“SO ARE Y’ALL THE DOT KIND OR THE FEATHER KIND? AH, SCREW IT… JUST TAKE ME TO THE CORNER OF 34th AND GREGORY, WILL YA THERE GOOD BUDDY? AND IF YOUS CAN FIGURE AWAY TO…I DON’T KNOW…KILL ALL THOSE DAMNED CARPET PILOTS WHILE YOU’RE AT IT…WELL…IT WOULDN’T KEEP MY CATTLE FROM HUMPIN’ OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. OOH LOOK! A GHANDI!”
Islamabad (SkullGame)—PRESIDENT BUSH, seemingly fresh out of bad ideas, gave a speech in New Dehli last week offering support for “Florida-ing up the rules a teensy bit” and pushing for a special exemption from U.S. and international nuclear nonproliferation laws; while also giving Pakistan a “fuck naw, do y’all think I’m crazy? I ain’t givin’ none of y’all camel cowboy motherfuckers special concession..ary…stands...uh…Ya’ll been pissin’ me off for quite some time, y’hear?” when they asked about pies and where they could get theirs.
“Knock, knock. Who’s there? Musharraf? Musharraf who? Musharraf… MY BALLS, motherfuckers. Hahahaha. Okay now, how about this one: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Musharraf? Musharraf who? Musharraf…MY BALLS! Hahaha, got y’all again. Y’all nigras are so stupid.”
Bush argued with himself that the India nuclear deal will strengthen the security and the economies of both nations, stating, “And if it don’t? Well…we don’t really need a sequel to Alladin anyhows. Alladin hates freedom”—a proclamation that made officials at Disney studios reportedly “pretty fucking nervous.”
“Look, I ain’t trying to be a bastard. I actually like some of y’all little firecrackers when your goat-ropin’ asses are sitting in the 7-11 or drivin’ me around town; but this whole jihadi nonsense, and the wipin’ up your bums with your hands bit, just leaves me not trustin’ y’all much. And, really, what’s with the pajama mammas? How are y’all supposed to compete with the Jew dollar when y’all keep your whores all a’lookin’ like bee-keepers?”
UFC 58, IN ADDITION TO COSTING SAL 5 BILLS [ALL SINGLES], HAS DRIVEN HIM TO THE BRINK OF SANITY [A SHORT TRIP IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES] AND CAUSED HIM TO COTTON ONTO VEGETARIANISM. CAN HEMP PURSES & BIRKENSTOCKS BE FAR BEHIND?
THE ANSWER IS NO.
LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- UFC 58. Canada versus the USA. Yeah. Whatever. RICH FRANKLIN beat a frightened Negro in DAVID LOISEAU, the high Hawaiian BJ PENN lost to the wily French Canuck GEORGE ST. PIERRE, and our own SAL announced, apropos of nothing, "I AM BECOMING A VEGETARIAN...BECAUSE OF MY ANUS." While he claims to have become a vegetarian purely to be able to remind people with great frequency that he's done so because of his anus, we suspect a more hidden hand at work here: the latest and greatest pussy ploy. Either that or total gayness revealed. Time will tell.
