"WHAT? You motherfuckers think I'm JOKING?!?! Jesus spoke to me today and, well, I don't remember exactly what he said but I'm pretty goddamned sure that it had to do with the amount of porn you purchase from me and his willingness to not go after my gentles...so BUY bitches. SkullGame t-shirts count too, you heartless bastards!!!!"
AN "ARTIST'S" "DEPICTION" OF MR. ROSE POST-JESUS-COCK CUTTING.
A MR. XTRA X-POSE: PARIS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL, WHILST NATIONS STARVE
"HELP!!! I'M PARIS & I'VE FALLEN ON A PENIS & CAN'T GET UP!!!"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite and cocksucker PARIS HILTONS was rushed to hospital after she was bitten by her pet kinkajou. The animal, mockingly called Baby Love, fulfilled the wishes of many by sinking its teeth into Hilton’s typically exposed flesh while they were “playing” at her Hollywood home in the early hours of the morning.
Fearing for her health, Paris instinctively called her publicist Elliot “It’s All Money To Me” Mintz, who drove her to casualty, but not before alerting the world’s press to the hardship being endured by one of the world’s wealthiest women. A doctor told the socialite the wound was superficial, gave her a tetanus shot, felt her up, and sent her on her way, free to torment the helpless animal again.
AND ANOTHER HOLLYWOOD MINUTE WITH MR. XTRA, OUR MAN IN NEW ZEALAND: MTV CELEBRITY COUPLE TO DIVORCE; NO ONE SURPRISED. OR, PROBABLY, CARES
I LOVE YOU, MOMMY. SHANNA MOAKLER, AT A RECENT PHOTO SHOOT FOR THE COVER OF NEGLIGENT MOM MAGAZINE.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Rock" "star" TRAVIS BARKER and his Playboy Playmate wife Shanna Moakler, the “stars” of MTV reality show Meet the Barkers, are calling it quits after less than two years of hapless marriage, People magazine has reported.
Their split comes eight months after pop star JESSICA SIMPLETON and “pop star” homosexual NICK LACHEY, the stars of MTV’s Newlyweds, announced their official separation.
People quoted Barker’s publicist as saying, “I can confirm that Travis filed this morning. His nails that is. He’s fruity like that.” The publicist also confirmed the filing when contacted by Reuters.
The magazine quoted Moakler as saying, “My only concern right now is for the welfare and best interests of my children. And my wallet. Mostly my wallet. Which I’ll use to help the children. Whatever their names are. You’ll have to ask our nanny. Whatever her name is.”
Barker, 30, mohawked drummer with defunct “punk” “rock” trio Blink-182, married Moakler, 31, in October 2004. Their contrived and tiresome domestic exploits were detailed on Meet the Barkers, which aired on the lifestyle programming network for 12 brain-killing episodes.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S ETERNAL OPPOSITE DAY OF THE SPOTLESS MIND MOMENT: "EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS OUT TO GET ME." LEAVING OUT THE PART WHERE SHE ADDS "...TO BLOW THEM." WHICH IS, PROBABLY, LARGELY TRUE.
NO. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION, THAT WE HAVE, REGARDING WHERE THE LOAD MIGHT GO.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Loadstress and "Singer" JESSICA SIMPSON is convinced people are "out to get" her "to blow them," and has blasted the press for linking her to her Dukes of Hazzard co-star JOHNNY KNOXVILLE last year.
Simpson has spoken out for the first time about the "cruel" press reports about Knoxville, which helped fuel "rumor's" her marriage was in trouble. She says, "It's so cruel and I just try not to let it affect me, whatever everybody was thinking about me. If I did, I don't think I'd be here now."
To which the assembled SkullGame writers began making humping, jerking off, and sucking motions, with SAL PACINO quickly abandoning the non-verbal for a clever riposte from the press gallery of "KILL YOURSELF."
"Look," said the semen-stained strumpet, "I can't save anything from being talked about because then it becomes this game, and it's not a fun game. I just feel like everybody's always out to get me, and that's a weird feeling."
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Make with the suction, the Playboy spreads and the eventual "unauthorized" video release of you rabidly attacking the ass of your gay ex-husband with your tonguel lick stick, baby.
“LOAD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SWALLOWED” TAKEN LITERALLY AS KANSAS CITY COUPLE UTILIZE BOTCHED REPRODUCTION EXPERIMENTS AND DISCOVER MINDFUL ALTERNATIVE TO DAY-TIME TELEVISION IN RETARD CULTIVATION RING.
AN ARTISTIC RENDITION OF A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MASS-TRANSIT COMMUTER, NAMELY JUDGE ROY BEAN, COMPLETE WITH THE “OH FUCK” AND “PLEASE DON’T SIT NEAR ME” INTERNAL MONOLOGUES THAT LOOP ENDLESSLY FOR THE FIRST 1 _ HRS OF EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY.
Kansas City (SkullGame)—Retard farmers Diane and David Petersohn announced on Valentine's Day that they “couldn’t wait to adopt another one of God’s little ha-ha’s”, claiming “in a day of widespread global famine and gross overpopulation, seven retarded ass kids just aren’t enough—so in the name of even-ing up their special little basketball team, we’re going to adopt another waterhead because, y’know, Life Goes On was a really swell show and shit; and as long as you leave the stickers on the Rubix cube and buy a copy of Dr. Mario…well…they kinda raise themselves. Indefinitely.”
“Fuck yeah, I hope it’s one of those ‘fightin’ retards’, not one of those pesky ‘feedin’ retards’ like the rest of our litter”, David Petersohn told SkullGame reporters. “They’re all just such a bunch of little miracles.”
“They are kinda like plants, you know? Stupid, stupid, stupid fuckin’ plants”, Diane interjected.
The couple, who surprisingly don’t work jobs due to the “full-time burden of constantly hiding our Elmer’s glue”, supposedly not from each other, state that their intentions are pure and not having to order pay-per-view events is just a fringe benefit of being altruists “just mildly interested in starting our own traveling circus.”
The cause of Down Syndrome isn’t exactly known, but the Petersohns contest that it has absolutely nothing to do with drinking during pregnancy or stupid people fucking…
[A quick note from JUDGE ROY BEAN]
“Very rarely am I sorry, let alone sorry in the act of, but I simply cannot continue this article, for I’ve offended my own sense of justice and thus fear what lies behind every corner as being a possible repercussion to what even I will label as deplorable behavior on my part. In the past week I have taken hard drugs, slept with a married woman, and shit almost exclusively in the neighboring office bathroom; and for all of this I am decidedly not fucking sorry at all.
This, however, is officially crossing the line.
I would like to hereby place all blame solely on the shoulders of VINNIE ROSE for requesting that I contribute a lion’s share of updates to this rant section in order to further facilitate his own dastardly and bastardly behavior, in hopes that he will be smitten in my stead and that I can live the rest of my life devoid of the guilt that I have rightfully brought down upon myself.
Furthermore, I would like to apologize to Diane and David Petersohn for ever implying that their intentions were less than pure. Until we can find a way to utilize the retarded as an alternative fuel resource, your actions are worthy of applause and I pray that you show me mercy by
a.) forgiving my trespasses and
b.) keeping your shoulder-chewing, mouth-breathing, beating-off-in-public-like-George Michael, cake-lusting, half-headed, extra-chromosome-sporting, satanic spawn the fuck away from me and my superior gene-pool.
Thank you, and God bless.
Best,
JUDGE ROY BEAN”
SAL PACINO'S GUIDE TO MODERN MANNERS. AND PUSSY. BUT MOSTLY PUSSY, IN "I Spell Pussy T-E-X-T!"
WE'RE UNDERAGE REHAB SLUTS & WE'RE TEXTING THE POLICE. SEE YOU SOON SKULLGAME!!!
A text message, unlike a phone call, can be as brief and intimate as a kiss on the ear or as long and profound as a fart in the back seat of your car with the windows rolled up.
As far as getting one's point across, no fuss, no muss, the text is definitely the way to go in this high tech slide-your-pants-down age we live in. With more and more people meeting via online bulletin board and Internet dating services, the game has a whole new wrinkle: telephone text messages.
Rules to getting pussy via text message:
1. ASK FOR PUSSY: You have no idea how many people will beat around the bush, so to speak, sending endless amounts of texts back and forth; remember, if you wanted to play these kind of games you would have called her.
2. BE BRIEF: Do not be too tempted to go into too great a detail as to what, where or how you plan to do things; she might object to some inconsequential thing you listed and before you know it, you remain sans pussy.
3. HAVE HER CALL IF SHE IS INTERESTED: If her phone call does not start with the phrase “go fuck yourself!” or “my brother is going to fuck you up!” it is smooth sailing and get ready to board the vagina train.
4. PREPARE FOR THE BACKLASH: This is actually my favorite part, I like to equate to throwing a rock in a crowd of people; once you let it go…anything can happen, and will.
