THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY FLORIDA, THE STATE WE JUST GOT BACK FROM ON VACATION, IS THE GAYEST STATE EVER.
NUMBER 10: Constant and continual "nautical" theme park action.
NUMBER 9: Mincing, sashaying, skipping disguised as "salsa" dancing
NUMBER OCHO: Lisping, squealing, finger snapping disguised as mythical language described by one local to us as "spanish"
NUMBER F: Actual presence of virtual army of homosexuals. If you look to the left of you and then to the right of you whilst clubbing and you note that there are no women there and you ask "Juan" about it and he says "it's just for fun...it's soooo crazy...just everybody dancing with everybody" know that he's a fag, there is no "everybody," just dudes, and you're about to get fucking pole-axed.
NUMBER 6: NO loads managed to leave our long meat despite the public presence of said long meat around the mouth-al areas of the sluts below.
"JUAN" EXPRESSING SHOCK & SURPRISE THAT SLUT DOES NOT HAVE A SAUSAGE. FOOTNOTE: SLUT DID NOT WANT A SAUSAGE. LESBIAN.
NUMBER 5: Religious fundamentalists who waged a personal religiously fundamental war against our desire to get aforementioned scandinavian sluts drunk on purchased liquor at 2 in the morning on Sunday because it might interfere with their desire to go to their gay churches and juggle nuts. Or whatever the fuck they do there.
NUMBER SUZY QUATTRO: Did we mention the lack of loadage?
NUMERO THREE-O: Alligators.
NUMBER B: Spring break lies only apply, apparently, during spring break.
NUMBER 1: Jail time.
FLORIDA = PLANET OF THE APES.
This Public Service Announcement (PSA) has been brought to you by OUR LOADS.
ITALIAN SAL DRIVES SKULLGAME-SPONSORED SHIELDS TO FIGHT VICTORY & MUSKRAT LOVE
WHY IS JAKES SHIELDS NOT PRESIDENT? WHY?! WHHHYYY?!?!?
Prior to embarking on our Thanksgiving trip to LA last week, Jake had decided that we, myself, Jake and Dan, would take the scenic Rt. 101 route, rather then the much more boring I-5 route. Jake's reasoning behind this was "it's a much prettier trip" a fact none of us were willing to argue at the time.
Once we began the drive we all agreed the drive was indeed very pretty however we all realized that after 5 hours and still no sign of LA that maybe the 101 decision was a bit flawed. After we made our first stop outside Santa Barbara I, for one, knew for a fact the decision was flawed. Jake pulled off the road approximately 10 miles past Santa Barbara; it was the first of 7 times that we would stop prior to getting to LA.
The reason behind the stops you ask.
Why to look at woodland creatures, of course. Jake would pull over for everything he seen, Muskrats, Raccoons, Deer, even a Squirrel at one point. During each of the stops Jake would demand that everyone get out of the car, line up and he would commence to telling us all about whatever the animal was that precipitated the stop. It was absolutely incredible how much he knew about these woodland critters; his talks began to get more and more animated wherein during his description of a Muskrats gestation period he ordered us both to do pushups while he kicked pine needles in our faces, screaming, "see what it's like to be a muskrat you faggots!?!"
Long story short: Jake knows about woodland animals, Jake beat Toby Imada at Kage Kombat and Muskrats can do lots of pushups under extremely stressful conditions.
MEXICANS CONTINUE TO CLIMB THE FOOD CHAIN AND SELL WEED FROM IT WHILE U.S. BORDER PATROL ENSURES THAT THEIR JOBS GET SHIPPED TO…WELL… MEXICO, JUDGE ROY BEAN PRESUMES.
“…AND HERE WE HAVE A FINE EXAMPLE OF THE CONTRABAND IN QUESTION; RIDDEN WITH STEMS AND SEEDS, SMELLING OF CAT PISS AND WHEEL WELLS, AND READY TO BE DELIVERED VIA HIS SISTER'S BICYCLE FROM SOME DIRTY IMMIGRANT. WE HEREBY VOW TO SPEND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR AND OVERCROWD OUR PRISONS IN THE NAME OF SECURING THE PUBLIC'S SAFETY FROM HEADACHES AND A DEBILITATING PREOCCUPATION WITH CARTOONS,” SAYS ONE JOHN P. WALTERS AFTER AWAKENING TO FIND HIS SEDAN RIDDLED WITH AIRBRUSHED PAINTINGS OF AZTEC WARRIORS THIS MORNING.
TAMPA (SkullGame) -- U.S. Border Patrol agents were allegedly “fucked the fuck up, mang” earlier this week by a cabal of armed men, dressed in what appeared to be “Mexican military uniforms,” i.e. Serengeti knock-offs and moustaches—while carrying “Mexican military weapons,” i.e. knives and half-empty bottles of Schlitz.,
The “paramilitary group” seized a captured dump truck filled with approximately 3 tons of marijuana that we wouldn’t even sell to the people we like to rip off; and dragged it across the Mexican border with a bulldozer that was reportedly emitting circus music while being followed by a legion of yard chickens.
The incident occurred Thursday evening when U.S. agents attempted to stop a dump truck near the Rio Grande in West Texas.
After having fled from the Border Patrol the driver of the vehicle abandoned his post when the truck became stuck in a river bed--running three or four meters south and then assimilating into his surroundings by wandering back and forth in the desert armed with only a canteen and a confused look on his face.
Shortly thereafter a group of Mexicans that “looked official, what with all the flashing lights and such” arrived only to commandeer the vehicle and drag it back across the border; laughing their fucking asses off while U.S. personnel desperately waved documents that “looked official, what with all the words and such” in the air.
When scolded by their higher-ups and threatened with termination and being branded as a “bunch of fucking half-heads”, the agents on duty at time of said incident proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that they had, indeed, learned something from their experience by staring at their shoes and pretending not to speak the English in hopes that the officers would just give up and go away.
JESSICA SIMPSON & "GAY" HUSBAND, NOT SURPRISINGLY, SPLIT.
"UM. YOU WAIT FOR ME HERE. I THINK I SEE, UM, PENIS."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Putting an end to three years of faking homosexuality in order to avoid yet another night in the sack with a woman who thinks that oral sex is what you do when you talk about fucking, NICK LACHEY has discovered, not surprisingly, that it's not so easy to fake multiple furtive bathroom encounters with busboys at the Standard.
In an official statement, the couple said, "After three years of marriege, and carefulls toughts and considerationing, we have decided to part ways to pursue penis. This is the mutual decisionation of two peoples with an enormous amount of respects and admirations for each other's pursuits of penises. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time like you have eachs times we've appeared in front of every single camera in the world."
FIRST THE CHOKE FUCKING. THEN THE NOSTRIL LOADS. THEN THE SLAPPING & GAGGING. AND THEN WE MAKE NICK & MIKE LA VELLA GET A ROOM SO'S WE CAN START ON HER.
