SkullGame Research International has recently discovered through the expert application of our patented Fagometer startling new information that suggests the entire world's ability to resist is waning and is therefore leaning toward tasteful aestheticism, over-emotive sensitivities and an aggressive desire to cry and apologize for everything from drinking too much to hugging other men. How long can it be until we're all, as a nation, knuckle-deep in man ass?
NOT. FUCKING. LONG.
METALLICA'S JAMES HETFIELD CRYING, DECRYING SEX [WITH WOMEN], DRUGS & ALCOHOL THOUGH APPARENTLY PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH MAN KISSING & LACK OF SHAME.
ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING COMMENT. ABOUT NOTHING GAY. AT ALL. OR THE FACT THAT HETFIELD LATER FELL FOR THAT WHOLE "I'M-HAVING-MY-PERIOD-PUT-IT-IN-MY-BUTT" BIT WITH HIS NEW "GIRL" FRIEND.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) - Metallica frontman JAMES HETFIELD fought back big ol' gay tears of turmoil on Friday as he recounted his public battle with addiction, and labeled the sex, drugs and rock' n' roll ethos as a "horrible myth. A horrible, horrible, heterosexual myth."
The 42-year-old singer/guitarist was being honored at a Hollywood fundraiser for the MusiCares MAP Fund, which provides access to addiction recovery for exceedingly wealthy members of the music community. Minus the whole E-meter snake show bit.
The event, which also honored known-sausage swallower and concert promoter Bill Silva, culminated in a three-song set by Hetfield and Metallica bassist and bone-a-phone player Robert Trujillo, along with Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell and drummer Sean Kinney. They dusted off the Alice in Chains songs "Would?" and "Them Bones," and finished with the Metallica ballad "Nothing Else Matters."
They reclined on couches scattered throughout the Music Box @ Fonda and imbibed alcohol-free refreshments, thus avoiding the risk of any public relapses. Or errant cock grabbing. Hetfield began his gay tour de force speech asking for a moment of silence "for the people who didn't make it, that aren't with us, who could be and I think should be. Who were not and aren't. Who wouldn't be, but were not. That which should not be named. Gay."
Continuing, building and finally concluding with a rushed, and then spent, crescendo of homoerotic fever, Hetfield sobbed "I think I helped some people, and took the black veil away, I took the mystique and the mystery out of the rock myth 'sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll,"' he said. "It is a lie. The real joy in life lays in vigorous backrubs from Mexican busboys. Everybody knows that."
Curiously not single member of the band TOOL were present. At all.
NAVY SEALS TRAINING EXERCISES TAKE THEM TO MYKONOS, FIRE ISLAND, KEY WEST & ALL POINTS DUE GAY: A STUNNING NEW SERIES INSTALLMENT NARRATED BY TOM CRUISE ON THE NEW WB
FROM A RECENT SERIES IN THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE THESE NAVY SEALS CLUSTER TOGETHER FOR "WARMTH," WHILST NEITHER ASKING, NOR TELLING.
CORONADO, SAN DIEGO (SkullGame) -- A neat line of 177 Navy SEAL recruits link arms and wade into the sea. The day is stormy, with 7-foot breakers and 61-degree water. But instructors order them to turn and lie on their backs in the surf.
The young men soak their boots, battle dress uniform trousers and white T-shirts. Their bare, crewcut heads must stay immersed as waves bat them around. Eight minutes later they rise, race to the sand dunes, drop and roll to become "sugar cookies." This rinse cycle repeats five times. Faces grow flushed and mottled with cold, some men violently shiver, a few abdomens start to convulse.
Senior Chief Petty Officer Dan Gearhart, in charge of Phase I training for Navy SEAL commandos, enigmatic and imposing in wraparound shades, stalks the beach. Other instructors deploy language as salty as the sea breeze. Gearhart doesn't need to.
"Lay in that water 'til you figure out -- it matters how fast you move during this training," he lisps through a bullhorn. "You guys asked for this. You will learn to move. Like a gently undulating snake in the...."
We are sorry. As this reportage gets no less gay we'll just stop here before, you know, it's too late.
TURKISH GOVERNMENT THREATENS FRANCE WITH ANAL OVER ARMENIAN HOLOCAUST ALLEGATIONS; PULLS OUT OF CANADIAN MOOSE AND FEBREEZES COLLECTIVE MOUSTACHE IN DEMONSTRATION OF WILL, DENIAL, AND THE BUGGERY THAT HAPPENS SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN. JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORTS...
PRIME MINISTER RECEP ERDOGAN PONDERS THE MEANING OF “DID WE?” IN CONTEXT OF “KILL ARMENIAN MEN?”, “RAPE ARMENIAN WOMEN?”, AND “PILFER ARMENIAN RADIOS?”, BEFORE COMING TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT ALL MATTERS WHAT YOU MEAN BY “YES”.
ANKARA (SkullGame)—Adhering to customary norms by waltzing into a conference room with their feet half in their shoes, Turkish officials announced that the country was pulling out of a NATO exercise in Canada and considering trade sanctions against France last week; the country’s latest move of protest against the official recognizing of WWI military actions against Armenians as being genocidal.
“We did not have genocidal relations with that country”, Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan told the Associated Press on May 11th after submitting the 4th camel of the day through actions described as ‘possibly anal’. “Unless”, the alleged revisionist explained, “you are talking about ‘in the mouth’, in which case it all depends on what you mean by ‘mouth’, ‘in’, and ‘systematically murdering millions of innocent people’. To which, we say, ‘what?’”
Preceding this action, the French Parliament had began the process of enacting a law criminalizing denial of the oftentimes overlooked in Hollywood, Armenian Holocaust, legislature that poses to upset Steven Spielberg’s recent motions to patent pity in the media.
Turkey, who has denied the Armenian Holocaust before it even started happening, criticized the French by calling them “beret-clad pole-smokers” and demonstrated their disapproval by shitting in their own hats. When asked about their reaction to Canada, a senior Turkish foreign ministry official confirmed the nation’s innocence by adopting a long gaze and asking “who?”
When reached for comment by SkullGame reporters, Erdogan assured us that he had never seen Midnight Express, because that didn’t happen either.
"IT'S OK....IT'S O....K...." MURMURS A CONSOLING PARIS HILTON OVER A MAW-FULL OF MAN MEAT. "THE WORLD'S NOT REALLY ALL THAT GAY. I MEAN IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE FACT THAT I LOOK LIKE A 12-YEAR OLD BOY WITH RICKETS. AND A COCK IN HIS MOUTH."
"I SING THE SAUSAGE ELECTRIC!!! WATCH ME!! WATCH ME!!! NOW!!! AND FEEL A LITTLE LESS GAY. OR, PERHAPS, NOT?"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite & filthy spooge sucking priestess of dirty poon PARIS HILTON shocked fans at the launch of her new video game when she referred to the product by the wrong name.
The ironically appropriate "Jewel Jam," which can be played on a cellphone, is made by video-game maker Gameloft -- which is set, incredibly enough, to create an entire series of Paris Hilton games. That don't involve sausages.
But the company was left red-faced Thursday night when their celebrity endorser appeared totally clueless at the Los Angeles Convention Center for the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or E3.
Hilton, who arrived late, said, "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game." Realizing the gaffe she attempted to correct it and continued, "'Golddigger'? 'Sausage Submarine'? 'No Stranger To Eating The Business End Of A Dick'? Wait, wait, wait....I was joking with that last one. OK. Wait...gimme another chance or 30...while I think. Um................................................."
At press time there remained no further fucking comment.
