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CRAZY BITCH REFLECTS ON LIFE RIDDLED WITH CRAZY BITCHISMS IN SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE; REPENTS MOMENTARILY BEFORE RESUMING FAKING PREGNANCIES, HURLING ASHTRAYS ACROSS THE ROOM, AND MAKING COPIES OF OUR HOUSE KEYS WHILE WE ARE PASSED OUT ON HER XANAX.
AMY FISHER, FAMED LONG ISLAND LOLITA, RESPONDS TO JUDGE ROY BEAN’S CRAIGSLIST AD FOR FUCKING MOUTHS AND THEN SHUTTING THEM WITH THIS GLAMOUR SHOT FORESHADOWING ALL THAT SOON WILL BE—NAMELY, SOBBING THROUGH COURT PROCEEDINGS AND GETTING HER SNIZZ BUSTED OUT IN SOME MECHANICS GARAGE, BOTH BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, INDEFINITELY.
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame)—Between strategically placed crocodile tears, a nauseating amount of self-pity, and what sounded to be Tori Amos songs, JUDGE ROY BEAN caught up with an undisclosed crazy fucking bitch late Friday night via phone from her Scottsdale, AZ condominium, which may or may not be listed under the name Michelle Sharp, to discuss briefly what happens when you give a finger that’s attached to a whole hand. To a slut. A disturbed, crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat, going-through-your-cellphone, breaking-into-your-apartment, fucking slut.
“Do you remember the time we drove all the way down Highway 1 to LA and stopped to make love on the beach in the middle of the night, or the time we had the entire restaurant in Brown County shut down for us and the chef cooked us that awesome meal? Do you remember how much fun we used to have, baby?”
“Yeah, those were good times. You remember the first night we started to fall for each other, when you came to that show I was playing? I grabbed onto your arm, all sweaty and nasty, and told you that you were staying with me for the rest of the night because you were the only person in the entire place that smelled good?”
“Oh yeah. I remember you were so hot. I remember wearing the “pink thing” for you. That was always your favorite after that…”
“Yeah, that was a great night. I had been into you forever. I was so nervous…”
“Oh, I miss you so much. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been able to get you out of me…”
“Y’know, I think about you still to this day, at least once a day. It’s kinda scary. It’s been years, and the memories are still fresh…”
“I want to see you.”
“You should come up and visit me sometime, you’re not that far away.”
“I’d love to. Hey, you remember the time we went to “the store” and bought the butterfly, and then I wore it in public and gave you the controller and you kept turning it on everytime I was trying to have a conversation with somebody, hahahaha…”
“Yeah, you remember the time we got snowed in for 2 days and I got so sick and you took care of me. I couldn’t lay flat on my back without choking on my own snot and you just sat there rubbing my hands while we watched movies and I blabbed on and on about how much I wanted to die?”
“Awww. I didn’t even care if I got sick. You always took care of me, baby, it was the least I could do…”
“Yeah, or the time we went to Osco’s cause you had womanly issues and I told the lady behind the counter that we didn’t know if it was a biscuit or a baby, but we needed some serious help.”
“I was so pissed. That was embarrassing.”
“Yeah, it was. You remember the time you were cheating on me with your ex boyfriend and he and I got into that huge fight outside of your apartment and I pulled his shunt halfway out and you were screaming ‘stop it, stop it’?”
“…”
“…or those times you used to break into my apartment while I was asleep and use your sexuality as a weapon. I guess when all you have is a hammer, all your problems start to look like nails.”
“…*sob*…”
“…or what about that time I told you were getting fat and you told me I was going to hell…”
“ *click* ”
“Hello…”
“*silence*”
“Are you still going to come visit me?”
JARED LETO JOKES ABOUT GAYITUDE. SPECIFICALLY HIS. HA. HA. GET IT???
LETO, CAUGHT HERE, NOT KISSING HOT BITCH & JUST JOKING ABOUT CALLING 1-800-SAU-SAGE. LIKE AS A JOKE AND ALL.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Actor"/"singer" JARED LETO has "laughed off" "reports" that he is GAY, insisting his comments to a reporter last week were meant as a "joke."
The star gave an online interview last Friday, during which he claimed he was "gay as a goose."
The America Online reporter seemed unsure if Leto was kidding or not and revised the question.
Leto then compared himself to rock musician Morrissey, another singer known for his "vagueness" about his sexuality.
The "star" was "engaged" to CAMERON DIAZ and has also been linked with LINDSAY LOHAN and SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
His Hebrew publicist, Robin Baum, has dismissed the flurry of media reports that followed his interview, insisting, "Jared was kidding. Kidding! KID-DING!!!! What's the matter with you people?!?! Anybody can see how NOT gay he is. I mean it's not like he was taking it in the keister in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN or nothing. Now, THAT was gay. Maybe that's what you were thinking about. Yup. That ol' GAY HEATH LEDGER cat..."
LINDSAY LOHAN & JESSICA SIMPSON DENY FEUDING WHILST WE STARE AT THEIR NIG NUGS & ASK, "I'M SORRY. WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?"
"BEFORE I STARTED VOMITING FOR FUN & MY LOOKS AND ALL...WELL LET'S JUST SAY...SHSHH LLWJKK WEKKL..........TITS!!!"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- LINDSAY LOHAN has blasted tabloid rumors, in the same way that we might blast her chin or any other space on or near her face, that she's feuding with JESSICA SIMPSON following a fight at a party that left the pop star in tears. Or some other face liquid.
Lohan insists the story is far from true, and says she's actually one of Simpson's biggest supporters as she struggles through her divorce from NICK "JOKING ABOUT THAT WHOLE GAY THING, TOO" LACHEY.
Lohan reportedly snapped when Simpson refused to thank her for sending a tray of drinks over to her table at a recent Hollywood soiree.
But she tells Interview magazine, "I did not go into this industry to be shown on the cover of some magazine fighting with Jessica Simpson, who I think is a sweet girl.
"She's going through a divorce, and it's hard enough for her.
"(The tabloids) basically said I was verbally harassing this girl. I'm not that person. I'm not the kind of person who'd do a coupla bumps, vomit up lunch and dance on the table at TONY DANZA'S wedding while wildly shoving a banana quickly into and out of mouth. That's NOT the kind of person I am."
Lohan currently spends much of her time in a suite at Los Angeles' Chateau Marmont and New York's Mercer Hotel, where she shares a room with Also-Joking-About-The-Gay-Thing-designer Marc Jacobs.
SNIZZ-VIT!!!!!!!!!!!
