NEWSFLASH: HARRY WHITTINGTON WASN'T "THAT GOOD OF A LAWYER ANYWAYS," SAYS CHENEY'S OFFICE.
"IT'S A FUCKING FLESH WOUND, YOU PANSIES!!! JUST A LITTLE FLESH WOUND. A FLESH WOUND ALL OVER HIS FACE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LIBBY ROLLING OVER ON ME OR JACK ABRAMOFF BEFRIENDING MOHAMMED ATTA. NOOOOOOTHING AT ALL," SAYS NOW-SOBER VEEP.
PAMELA ANDERSON IS EXHAUSTED FROM. UM. WELL, FROM, UM. HAULING THOSE FUCKING UBANGIS AROUND? JESUS. WE GIVE UP.
WORK WORK WORK!!!
MELBOURNE (SkullGame) -- "Actress" PAMELA ANDERSON has abruptly cancelled her scheduled promotional duties for M&Ms candy in Australia due to the exhaustion associated with talking about little chocolate candies for more than two minutes. At a time. And heroin.
The "38"-year-old actress/model arrived late on Monday and was "shocked" when she encountered media camped out in front of her Sydney hotel. Anderson appeared to be "suffering" from severe jet lag, M&M-itis, and heroin and declared, "I need a drink and some pills. I am a little sick of myself, but other than that I am fine." We couldn't have said it better.
She attempted to field questions during a media event Tuesday morning, saying, "When they called me in L.A. and said, 'Would you like to come to Australia for the day?' I said, 'Sure, it can't be that hard.' Meanwhile, 15 interviews later ... I have noted that never in my life have I tasted the pleasures of Negro penis."
After less than two minutes with a now-shocked press, she abruptly called off all media commitments and hopped on a private jet to Melbourne for a party. A party for exhausted tit queens, apparently.
Anderson reportedly pocketed more than $74,000 for the two-day promotional trip. Translated in terms of trips to JOSE's house that's 74, to be exact.
According to publicity director Jillian Bowen, Anderson could not carry on, as she was "literally suffering from exhaustion. Or something.
"NOTHING GAY TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG....MOVE ALONG." CRAZY TOM & CRAZY KATIE DENY CRAZY RUMORS REGARDING CRAZY BEHAVIORS. AND GAYNESS. AND SHIT.
"SEE?!?! SEE?!?! NOW HOW GAY IS THAT?!?!?"
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (SkullGame) -- A goddamned lie. That's what TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES said Tuesday about a Valentine's Day report on the Life & Style magazine Web site, which claimed Cruise and Holmes had split up and called off their wedding on account of no sex that involves face-to-face contact, the use of a proper name for her as anything other than "Bob," and/or the continual presence of many "personal" "trainers" at their house.
"It should be known that the story is 100 percent false," Arnold Robinson, a publicist for the couple, said in a statement, interrupting his counting of huge stacks of money. "Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are, um, moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Yeah."
The Feb. 27 issue, which will be on news stands Friday, said the public pair "plan to keep up the charade of their romance until after their baby's birth this spring." Holmes, 27, and Cruise, 43, have been engaged since June. They announced their pregnancy in October. "Despite the malicious fellatios, I mean, fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family," Robinson said.
A representative for the magazine said, while making the universal fist-jerking-a-cock sign, the story was accurate: "We stand 100 percent behind our story."
"WELL ISN'T A NIGGER SOMEONE FROM NIGER? I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHERE THAT BLACK BASTARD'S FROM," SAYS A PARIS HILTON BETWIXT SUCKS ON AVAILABLE SAUSAGES.
"I SAID, 'MMMGGHHHPPH....DARKIE!!!"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON's Grammy night party plans were scuppered last week after a restraining order prohibited the socialite entering certain venues, promoter Brian Quintana claims.
The hotel heiress was banned from being 100 yards from events planner Quintana just hours earlier on February 7, after a Los Angeles court agreed she was harassing him with cries of darkie, nigra, negro, nigger, smack dab, crunchy, mudman and on occasion, sword wielder and threatening phone calls that decried him as a darkie, nigra, negro, nigger, smack dab, crunchy, mudman and on occasion, sword wielder.
Quintana admits he enjoyed infuriating Hilton by moving between after-parties to force her elsewhere. He tells the New York Post, "Paris' posse was calling around to see which parties were jumping, but everywhere they called, I was there ahead of her."
Hilton's representative denies the reports, insisting, "Wherever she did or didn't go, it didn't have anything to do with that order. Or the fact that she's an unregenerate sausage seeker."
Quintana, who allegedly introduced Hilton to her current boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, claimed to be the victim of a smear campaign. He told Los Angeles Superior Court Hilton was paranoid he was trying to persuade pal Niarchos to ditch her in favor of Niarchos' former girlfriend MARY-KATE OLSEN.
