AND no more immune from the siren call of screen time than any hardworking, publicity hungry pol, celebs from all over are throwing themselves bodily into harm's way to be photographed hugging people, helping people who don't want to be helped and/or selling a few records out of the back of their boats. From HARRY CONNICK JR. whose fists past run-in with his wife's face has been forgotten as they reach for another box of bottle water that they then pass over to disinterested men drinking whiskey to SEAN PENN whose cocks past run-in with 20-something San Francisco Mission sluts seems a thing of the past as he prostrates himself at the feet of a homeless man who asks, "are you a girl?" in prelude to a romantic Hollywoodesque engagement with distinctly overt prison overtones, you start to ask yourself: "is there nothing JULIETTE LEWIS can do to help?"

THERE CERTAINLY SEEMS TO BE: "MILK!!! MILK FOR THE MASSES!!!" SAYS JULIETTE LEWIS AS SHE PIMPS HER NEW BAND, JULIETTE LEWIS & THE LICKS NEW CD TO PEOPLE IN WAIST-DEEP WATER.

TERRORISTS RELEASE ROY HALLUMS IN ATTEMPT TO REFOCUS ATTENTION AWAY FROM ROY HALLUMS

"WE ARE POWERFUL AS, UM, THE STEALTHY KILLING WATERS OF, UM, THE HURRICANE AND, UM....OH, FUCK IT. HEY!!! WE KNOW A FEW SONGS...C'MON FELLAS!!!"

FALLUJAH (SkullGame) -- According to his ex-wife, American contractor Roy Hallums is free. Apparently, the 57-year had been missing since Nov. 1, 2004 after being seized with two other foreigners in Iraq to the wide yawns of an American nation transfixed by everything else non-Roy Hallums related.

Susan Hallums said she can confirm Hallum's release, and that he is in good condition, but that even she, herself, is confused about whether this should mean anything to anyone.

Hallums worked for a catering company that reported him missing this past Monday, a mere three hours before his release, when he was taken during a gun battle in Mansour, Iraq last year. On his release a note in Arabic was taped to his chest that read "Mr. Hallum. We are letting you go in light of the fact that Allah has declared you inconsequential. Go now and continue being mediocre."

NAOMI CAMPBELL TAKES BREAK FROM SHOE THROWING TO SEND SHOES TO NEW ORLEANS WHILE PAL PARIS HILTON TAKES BREAK FROM BENDING OVER TO PROTEST FLOOD WATER, WHITE SHOES AFTER LABOR DAY AND SEMEN.

"OH NO. NO IT ISN'T. YOU KNOW I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR THE FUCKING SENGALESE COTTON RESCUE SKIRT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Supermodel NAOMI CAMPBELL is donating her entire earnings from upcoming New York Fashion Week to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina who have been hit by her thrown shoes, hangers, and flung bottles of champagne.

The Brit is heartbroken by the scenes of temper tantrum based devastation in the U.S. and has decided to donate all her catwalk fees to the American Red Cross, who she had recently collectively clocked with a food tray after they had provided her with pimentos instead of Greek olives.

Campbell says, "It's awful to see what happened and watch grown men crying on TV because they have nothing left after having been fired by me for failing to bring me the COTTON towels. There was no way I could walk the runways this week and just keep my rate."

PARIS HILTON NOT BEING SEXUAL AT ALL.

Meanwhile close friend and fellatrix PARIS HILTON has said, in an effort to return the spotlight to her coked up visage for even the briefest of seconds, that despite her raunchy reputation she, herself, has a low sex drive and frequently snubs steamy sessions at home and that her titillating image is a product of her sexy sense of style, and in reality her boyfriends have commented on her less than rampant libido.

She tells Vanity Fair, "I'm sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image. But at home I'm really not like that despite multiple video representations of me jerking semen into my open mouth, squatting on sausage and mugging man meat. All of my ex-boyfriends -- not Paris, of course -- would be like, 'What's the matter with you? You're so not sexual.' And then," she concluded dabbing at her eyes, "there was a hurricane. Thank you. See my new TV show!"

TOM CRUISE HELPS YOUNG, STRONG, AND WELL-MUSCLED TEENAGE BOY WITH, UM, "THINGS"

TOM CRUISE & FRIENDS HELPING ANOTHER TEENAGE BOY A LITTLE DOWN ON HIS LUCK.

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- TOM CRUISE is so impressed with the achievements of muscley-armed teen Supercross star James "Bubba" Stewart, he's "considering" making a "movie" based on "his life". If Stewart "plays his cards right."

The 19-year-old has already won a record 11 amateur motocross titles and became the first African American to win a major U.S. motorsports championship. His achievements haven't gone unnoticed by The Non-Homosexual Cruise, who's eyeing the possibility of a biopic -- but Stewart has yet to decide if he will star in it.

He says, "If I ever did act, I wouldn't really get out of racing." But Stewart is certain of one thing -- his pal Cruise will not be taking on the lead role in the film. He adds, "I think they'd have to get someone a little younger, a little blacker, and a little less willing to have pool boys ride him like a pony to play me."

DAPHNE ROSEN CONSENTS TO SKULLGAME "INTERVIEW". IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN