BUT FIRST: from a chapter in SkullGame's Reading Is Fucking Fundamental program, MEL GIBSON, SR. recently sent us this.
"MONEY FROM THE SALE OF THIS BOOK, AS WELL AS OUR CAMP WILL HELP IN THE SEARCH FOR THOSE 6 MILLION GERMAN JEWS WHO ARE PRESENTLY STILL AT LARGE. WANDERING AROUND. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT JEWS DO," SAYS MEL GIBSON, SR.
THIS message has been sponsored by PAPA GIBSON'S RECOGNIZE-A-JEW-SLEEPAWAY CAMP: "Because even little Jews wander off sometimes too. Here at Papa Gibson's Recognize-A-Jew Sleepaway Camp children are encouraged to engage in usurious money lending, contentious haggling and the hoarding of shekels while still making time for history [revisionist] and Armenian art appreciation, which amounts, largely to, looking at transistor radios.
See ya this Summer!"
SOMETHING ABOUT CAMERON DIAZ'S TITS SENDS ANOTHER GOOD AMERICAN TO THE STONY LONESOME
A WHORE! A WHORE! MY KINGDOM FOR A WHORE!!!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A hard-working American photographer who took "erotic nudes" of the Latin immigrant CAMERON DIAZ before she hit fame as a Latin immigrant actor has been convicted on all three counts leveled against him following a bitter court battle. The noble John Rutter, 42, now faces up to six years in the pokey after a jury of migrant field workers convicted him of forgery, attempted grand theft and perjury this morning for a "scheme" to sell his very tasteful dildo-based nudes back to the "actress" 11 years later for the going rate for Latin immigrant dildo nudes of millions of dollars.
During the trial, Honest John Rutter told the jury that while a model release form giving him ownership of the photographs was forged, he didn't do it. But under cross-examination, Rutter acknowledged trying to "speak-o Spanish-o to her" so she'd understand the ramifications of "tasteful-o dildo-o nudes-o." He also admitted to asking Diaz to pay him $3.5 million in two days or he would sell the snapshots around the world to coincide with the 2003 release of her movie "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle."
Rutter said he believed he had a right to do so and was simply giving the actress "right of first refusal."
Sentencing is scheduled for September. May Almighty God have mercy on this accursed jury's collective soul.
MIAMI DOLPHINS' RICKY WILLIAMS WORKING HIS WAY BACK INTO THE NFL THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW: HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE!!!
"SNUFFLE GO! MAKA HONEA, CHAS NOP!!! HARA KIRI, HARE KRISHNA!!!"
MIAMI (SkullGame) -- On Monday RICKY WILLIAMS, the pot smoking, meditation seeking, paper purse and hemp sandal wearing running back was back in the fold. Sure there was brave talk, apologies, analysis, and weed smoke mixing into his return after quitting a year ago on the eve of training camp but all it took was a few practice runs in the morning practice to answer all of those questions.
“Oh yeah, he looked explosive, even quicker,” said a teammate with decidedly meth-fueled excitement after being asked if Williams looked like he could still play. “I was real impressed with him. He was skipping, mincing, sashaying all over that field. HIGHER than a fucking kite but, you know, FLUID-like. If anything I was kind of enthused again, thinking we have Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the same backfield. My God, I got off and had a little moment thinking about an all-weed based running game and came back like, ‘OK let me focus on defense again.’"
SCIENTOLOGY & STDs: "NOT OUR FAULT," SAYS SPOKESPERSON ABOUT KATIE HOLMES' COLD SORE LADEN LIPS.
"I LOVE YOU, YOU NON-HOMOSEXUAL, YOU..."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The controversial "Church" of "Scientology" has slammed reports one of its rituals was responsible for the sores on KATIE "YO" HOLMES' mouth. Holmes has recently been photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth.
While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual TOM CRUISE, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification.
The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation, and looooooonnnnnggggg public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual of your choice. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever the fuck is on that bitch's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing. Let's talk about the space aliens that gave us Jesus instead."
WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT? COLIN FARRELL SEX VIDEO CONTENTS RHYME WITH BANAL HEX
WE HAVE A VEEERRRRRYYYY GOOD IDEA WHERE IT'S GOING FROM HERE. AND IT AIN'T A SORORITY.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The public kisser of men COLIN FARRELL and his ex-lover Nicole Narain have secretly spoken about their sex tape which has become the subject of a scandalous lawsuit -- because the Playboy Playmate wanted the actor to know she never leaked it. Not at 5 points on gross.
Sexy Narain is appalled by press reports connecting her to the leak of a sale for anything less than 16 on the spread for the vid, which she filmed with Farrell's permission when they were a couple.
Now she insists that, "like Farrell", she has "no idea" how the 15-minute tape got into the wrong hands and she's joining forces with her ex to keep it from going public, for less than an even 20.
She says, "Though I take off my clothes for a living and am sort of broke since I opened that last pizza parlor, I don't want it out there any more than Colin does. Not for a nickel under 25."
"It was something that was made privately between me and him and it's just unfortunate that the situation is the way it is right now with numbers being bandied about like 30."
NICOLE NARAIN: "I JUST LOVE WORKING BACHELOR PARTIES WHILE COLIN ENJOYS BEING A MULTIMILLIONAIRE!"
"We're both in the same boat ... Yes. He's EXTREMELY FAMOUS and I'm broke. So it's very unexpected that it should find its way from my house to a distributor for less than 35. We both feel the same way - neither one of us want it out there unless we're talking about 40 on the gross."
Farrell has slapped a restraining order on sex tape broker and known SkullGame associate DAVID HANS SCHMIDT, who plans to release the unexpectedly and largely gay film as a DVD.
