BUT first a SkullGame Public Service FRED BURKE Announcement ...
RECOGNIZE THE HOUSE?
...street crime is running rampant...with no regard to class, race, religion, or the fact that you live in apartment 108 in the Truman building. It could strike anywhere, anytime at all...in the streets, byways or apartment 108 in the Truman building where just about any FRED BURKE might find themselves shot, stabbed, or strangled for 50 cents, a TV, or a very, very heavy drug burn, for example. So all of you FRED BURKE be careful out there. In apartment 108. In the Truman building.
Thanks for listening.
EVE BREAKS HER SILENCE ON BANANA FUCKING, LOOKS TO PARIS HILTON FOR SUGGESTIONS ON SAUSAGES, FILM RIGHTS
"I MADE MILLIONS...AND YOU CAN TOO!!!"
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- R&B star EVE is fuming after a homemade sex tape she filmed when she was 21 was leaked onto the Internet without price points, pay-per-view or a PARIS HILTON-sponsored back end deal. The 30-second video shows the singer and then boyfriend, Bad Boy Entertainment producer Stevie J, working the business end of a banana and is dated November 20, 1999.
Eve has taken immediate legal action to have the footage pulled from the Web until such time as they can add price points, pay-per-view or a PARIS HILTON-sponsored back end deal, and her spokesperson has issued a statement attacking its leak.
It claims the tape was made "years ago with her boyfriend of over two years. The fact that a private moment is being made public without any Hiltonesque pay day behind it is a violation of um, the sausage pay day statutes, and we would hope that people would respect her 'fucking bananas for free' privacy as they would their own banana fucking."
A friend tells the New York Daily News, "She's devastated by not getting paid for this. She's hired a private investigator to see if she can paid for this. She can't figure out how this got out without her getting paid for this. (Stevie J) says he has nothing to do with her not getting paid for this and is also horrified because he has kids that eat bananas. Then he drove off in a Rolls Royce. Laughing."
PIPEDREAM, WHILE PIPING & DREAMING, SIGNS RON JEREMY TO FIVE YEAR EXCLUSIVE NOVELTY CONTRACT
AGGHHHHHHHH....IT'S JUST...AGGGGGHHHHHH.... NOT FUNNY ANY....AGGGGHHHHHH......
DEADHORSEONIA (SkullGame) -- Pipedream Signs RON JEREMY to a five-year exclusive novelty contract, which sort of makes sense as there is, in fact, NOTHING novel about Jeremy, his well-abused crank or him well-abusing crank and counting money in his palatial San Fernando Valley townhouse.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
THE LIVE AID OF 2005, LIVE 8, HIRES SOMEONE REALLY IN TOUCH WITH WORLD SUFFERING: MARIAH CAREY
"I ABSOLUTELY CARE ABOUT WORLD HUNGE....WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?!?!? NO GODDAMNED WIRE FUCKING HANGERS!!!!!...I'M SORRY. WHERE WAS I? OH YES, WORLD HUNGER IS BAD.
LONDON (SkullGame) -- Curvaceous, the media word for FAT singer and licensed lunatic MARIAH CAREY is on a strict diet in a bid to wow the crowds of starving Sudanese at this Saturday's Live 8 concert in London.
The hitmaker, who is enjoying a career resurgence with her new hit album, The Emancipation of Mimi, will join other contributors to world hunger MADONNA, Pink Floyd, Sir Elton John, Robbie Williams, Sir Paul McCartney, Sting and U2, among others, at the concert in Hyde Park.
Carey enthuses, "This, I mean for me, is such a special event for me, personally. I want to sing my best and look my best as I think the Suranamesians, or whatever they're called, will like focusing on me and my millions, you know, to take their troubles away, so I've been working on my voice to make sure it's in top condition and working on my body, too. I've been dieting and exercising non-stop so I can get into the outfit I want to wear.
Without Darfur I'd never have lost those last 5 or 20 pounds."
LT. TODD ATKINS GETS A TEACHING DEGREE
ON FAR RIGHT ATKINS IS THE NEWEST TO OUR TEAM. READ ON, READ ON...
Not many people know this, but my girlfriend has a son from her previous marriage. He doesn’t have a strong father figure in his life because his dad is a deadbeat jackass, so I step in and provide a strong male role model for him.
He is in middle school, an age where a boy really needs a father figure. Anyway, little Ricky and me really get along great. Over the past few weeks, I have taught him some cool navy vocabulary (just not in front of his mom), some SCARS and NHB tactics in case he gets into a scuffle and has to defend himself against a bully, and basically I have taught him how to be a badass and a real man like his future step father.
Well, over the past few days Ricky’s mom has been getting notes from his teachers on a daily basis complaining about his behavior, saying he has been cursing at his teachers, beating up on other students, and just generally causing trouble.
I chuckled when I read them because I knew I was doing my job and the kid wouldn’t grow up to be some sissy fag after all, like I had worried about when I first met him. Ricky’s mom and me got into some arguments over this very issue, but I put the old Atkins charm on her and she didn’t stay mad long. Face it, with a body and face like mine, what female could stay mad at me for any extended period of time?
All this was fine and good until Friday. On Friday Ricky came home with a note saying that he was in big trouble for lying to the teachers face! Ricky was very angry, so angry that he was crying. I asked him what it was all about and he said that his teacher accused him of cheating on a test, something he said he said he didn’t do, but that he had been accused of cheating because he was white and the teacher was an Islander.
The note also went on to say that Ricky would fail for the semester and have to repeat next year. I could tell Ricky was telling the truth, we learned how to tell if someone was telling the truth during our SCARS training course in the Navy so I called up the teacher and just gave her hell.
“Listen, I may have taught Ricky a few choice words and how to throw down in the schoolyard, but I would never teach the boy to lie or cheat. Frankly, I think you don’t know what the hell you are talking about missy! I also think you’re a blatant racist, I have had to deal with your type before and you make me sick! It’s a damn good thing you are several miles away right now, because if I was in the same room as you I would smack the mascara off of your fat ugly face!”
That really set the bitch off. She told me I wouldn’t dare say any of that to her face, because white boys like me are all pussies. That did it. I slammed the phone down, brought Ricky with me, got in my monster truck and peeled out of the driveway. I showed up at the school a few minutes later and stormed inside.
Ricky directed me to her room and I didn’t bother to knock on the door, I just kicked it in. She saw me and her jaw dropped. Looking down, I realized in my haste I had forgotten to put a shirt on and my bulging muscles were evident for all to see, no wonder why this bitch was so scared! I instantly read her the riot act, calling her every name in the book.
I guess we were arguing very loudly, because in the middle of our conversation her husband (who was also a teacher there) snuck into the room and tried to put a chokehold on me. Of course, it was a typical Islander cowardly move. Even though he was bigger than me, he felt the need to sneak up behind me and try and choke me like other Islanders have done to me. Unfortunately for him, I had been in this situation before.
By learned instinct, I delivered a reverse headbutt followed up by a reverse backfist to the groin that dropped the big goon. I leaned over and punched him in the face repeatedly with Roy Jones like speed and when I was about to launch another flurry Ricky’s teacher ran over and jumped onto me to stop the beating. She was as light as a doll and I tossed her across the room, slamming her dark face against the chalk board. I followed her to the floor, pinned her down, achieved a full mount, and put my elbow in her throat.
I asked her, “now tell me, what grade did Ricky really earn in this class?” At first, she tried to fight me, but she soon realized that her puny girly strength was no match for my powerful, sculpted body. Ricky brought over a new blank report card and forced her to fill it out while I had her pinned down. I think it goes without saying that the grade was a dramatic improvement. On the way out I reached down into her purse and grabed her wallet, "Looks like she is paying for lunch today Ricky" I said out loud.
This also just goes to show that even if you never went to some fancy teaching college, you can still be a very effective teacher. -- Lt. Todd Atkins (TM)
