NEWSFLASH -- THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL TEAM IS FRANTICALLY FUCKED IN USC'S SAVAGE 55-19 SHOWER ROOM ASSAULT!!!!!
"HEY, FELLAS....I...I JUST CAME TO PLAY SOME BALL."
"EXACTLY."
Heya Sooners fan, how's that taste? Like a crap-encrusted crank? We thought so. Enjoy the pillow-cushioned ride back home to OOOOOOklahomo.
SUCK SEX SHOCKER: PARIS HILTON APPARENTLY UNAWARE THAT SHE IS THE SUCK SEX SHOCKER
SUCK SEX? WHY I'M SHOCKED, I TELL YOU, SHOCKED
MALIBU (SkullGame) -- Despite a public claim to fame based solely on sucking veiny man meat (and LOTS of it), hotel ho, heiress, and porn pimp PARIS HILTON left a party in tears over the weekend, after she reportedly discovered that all of those jiz-jerking jokes she's heard the last 12 months were actually about her.
How? When she inadvertently walked in on guests watching her Platinum-selling How To Gum Man Meat video.
The tear-and-jipe stained socialite and friends were gate-crashing a bash in California's Malibu area on Saturday night when they stumbled in on fellow revelers glued, cocks out, to a big screen TV admiring her graphic gumming encounter with ex-boyfriend and now-multimillionaire Rick Salomon.
A source says, "It was priceless. She burst into tears, turned on her heels and ran. Apparently, fruitlessly, away from the undeniable.
IN OTHER SADLY DELUDED SLUT NEWS: BRITNEY SPEARS TO QUIT "POP" "CAREER" TO BECOME TV SCIENTIST
THE "SCIENTIFIC" EXAMINATION OF DOLL VAGINA COMMENCES
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The two-years-away-from-being-back-at-mall-openings-and-furtively-filming-her-guilt-ridden-sexploits-for-extra-cash "pop" "sensation" BRITNEY SPEARS is planning on dropping everything, up to and including any cocks found in the general vicinity of her ever-open maw, to become a forensic scientist.
The slut, 23 -- whose "musical" "offerings" were overshadowed by her two marriages last year -- has developed a passion for the make-believe solving of crimes after watching hit detective TV series "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," eating a bag of Doritos and smoking a wooey.
A "pal" told us while drying his eyes and gasping for air in the midst of coronary-inducing laughter, "It sounds ridiculous. Well, it IS ridiculous, but she's been inspired by 'CSI,' which shows TV scientists solving crimes. So in a Niagara of non-linear thinking and whilst growing tired of all the media attention, that stupid bitch is thinking about taking a break from 'it all.' She's taking this idea of being a fake TV scientist seriously. About as seriously as she's taking all of that medicinal marijuana she's got script for."
TALES FROM THE PIPE: JIMMY THE G SAYS FAT, OLD BROAD VINCE NEIL CAUGHT IN FUCKING TV FLAP
FLAMING COCK-ROCKER & AARP MEMBER VINCE NEIL, PANTOMIMING HIS TECHNIQUE FOR GETTING TAG-TEAMED IN PUBLIC TOILET STALLS
NEW YORK CITY (SkullGame) Motley Crue manfront VINCE NEIL's New Year's Eve outburst, "Happy fucking my ass new year, Tommy!", went uncensored on the East coast broadcast of NBC's The Tonight Show with hopeless anal vapor huffer Jay Leno.
WHAT BECOMES A SERIAL SEMEN SIPPER THE MOST? ABOUT 80 UNWANTED POUNDS. ALL AROUND THE CHIN
West coast viewers, accustomed to the flamboyant antics of the aging spandex stuffer, were spared the redundancy of another declaration of Neil's undying love for his bandmate and the husband of the woman he boned on video. As of press time, no FCC complaints have been reported. FCC Chairman Michael Powell, however, was unavailable for comment -- a commission spokesperson claimed he was, "still occupied with a freeze frame analysis of JANET JACKSON's exposed tay-tay. And massaging his aching groin."
STEALING SLUT OUTRAGED THAT SHE IS STILL WIDELY SEEN AS A STEALING SLUT
HELP!!! I'M BEING ROBBED BY A FUCKING JUNKIE!!! OH. UH. NEVERMIND.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Actress, felon and fucking former knob teen queen WINONA RYDER is furious she's still being discriminated against for her heroin-fueled shoplifting snatch, despite serving her debt to society: 480 hours of servicing the community via finger-puppet renderings of the Battle of Hastings for at-risk teens.
The multimillionairess was arrested in 2001 for shoplifting more than $7,600 worth of clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue.
But she recently discovered the public still regards her as a felon and washed-up actress, when she was banned from signing a letter encouraging President George W. Bush to sign the environmental Kyoto agreement, because of her criminal record.
She fumes, "I was all ready to sign, then this girl said, 'Hey, hold on, aren't you a convicted felon? And has-been actress?'
"I said, 'Yes, so what?' and she told me I'm not eligible to sign official Senate petitions because of my criminal record. And that last shitty movie I did with Richard Gere. Which was pretty embarrassing."
