Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Witness The Goddamned Awesome Nut-Busting Power Of Celebrity While PARIS HILTON Squirms" BUSTED NUTS

This. This...is...so right, from so many different points of view. Sooooo many different points of view, that I don't even know where to goddamn start. So I'll just start the best of all possible fucking places to start: all over the goddamned place.

MY NAME IS ELMER J. FUDD. I OWN A MANSION AND A COCK.

Who is this slut PARIS HILTON? I mean in a universe UNtainted by the hand of Satan, she's chewing gum and working at Taco Bell drive-through...two damned near impossible tasks if you're her...and getting fucked by frat boys with nice cars on weekends.

But because this slag owns $69 mil of the world's most wretched hotel chain we cannot escape her inescapable celebrity that for no single good reason, for no several good reasons, taints the very air we breathe. She darkens the day with the terrifying import of her ubiquity. She's like the Second Millenium's ANGELYNE (think LA's archetypically psychotic billboard bang pot). And, much like Angelyne, she JUST...WON'T...GO...AWAY.

So whenever it gets to be a little too much. Whenever you start realizing that you've thought more about her, her fag boyfriend Nick Carter, and her TV show than you've ever thought about YOUR OWN GODDAMNED MOTHER that day, then pop this in.

Yes, yes, pop it in.

Isn't that better? Finally a celebrity doing something, anything, that might actually improve the karmic bottom line. A little sucking, a little fucking, a little inane chatter, and a 19-year-old millionairess in knee highs and fuck-me pumps getting a facial cumshot?

It not only doesn't get any better than this, it just WON'T.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it ON JUNE 9, 2004