The names have been changed to protect guilty and innocent alike up to and including DAVE DIETRICH and KATHY WOODS, whose names will be changed to protect them from calumny, shame and extended ridicule.

THE THREE GODDESSES OF SEXUAL REGRET AT STUDIO 54 CHORTLING OVER HAVING GIVEN CRAB LICE TO "DAVID" "DIETRICH"

LENNY KRAVITZ: REGRETS...I'VE HAD A FEW. BUT THEN AGAIN...

TOO FEW TO MENTION...

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Having a life time batting average that includes a partial passel of Tinseltown's toniest tata's from NICOLE KIDMAN and NAOMI CAMPBELL to KYLIE MINOGUE, LISA BONET and MADONNA, KRAVITZ, when reached for comment and asked if he had had many regrets was quoted as saying, "Yes. The ass sex. I didn't fuck the ass." When we went on to explain that we meant women that he had already fucked that he wished he hadn't he continued. "I'm sorry. I DID fuck their asses. Hold on, what was the question again?" And when we explained it a THIRD time he said, "No."

HABIB: SACTO DISCOS HAVE BALCONIES AND CAMERAS. TO MY EVERLASTING REGRET

THEY PHOTOSHOPPED MY POLE UP THIS TRANNY'S HOLE, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. I THINK.

SACRAMENTO (SkullGame) -- SKULLGAME writer HABIB, frequenter on his off hours, of the bar he bartends at, in much the same way a dog eats its own vomit, managed to get lucky one night. Or so he thought. When his friend and compatriot Russ produced the above photograph time slid to a standstill. "It wasn't so much the fucking on the dance floor or the jawfull of Ecstasy I had taken. It wasn't even the photograph. It was just that I had been photographed high on E on a dancefloor with my pipe up the hole of a woman that was widely known to have been a man. THAT's the kind of shit that really gets to you."

OLIVIA: MEN NAMED CHUCKLES ARE INVARIABLY NOT FUNNY AT FUCKING ALL

INSULT, INJURY AND REGRET HEAPED UPON REGRET AS IT'S NOTED THAT HER FILM COMPANY COULDN'T EVEN SPELL HER GODDAMNED NAME RIGHT.

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- "I did some whore flicks with TONY 'CHUCKLES' MARTINO and while I usually don't like to talk shit because there are enough people talking shit about me and I know how it feels and I don't like it, with Chuckles I've made the exception. Mostly on account of how can you ever look at yourself in the mirror, or any reflective surface really, after having fucked a guy with a mullet named Chuckles. I...I don't see how you can."

PAMELA ANDERSON: THE RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF

ITALIAN SAL'S COUSIN JOEY JET WITH PAMMIE IN VEGAS ON A DATE WITH, REGRETTABLY...DESTINY

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- PAMELA ANDERSON, clad only in short-shorts and a tiny hot pink tank top, answered our question while giving "actor," Hell's Angel, Knocker Outer of JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME, and MIKE TYSON's sparring partner CHUCK ZITO, who's been acting as her "bodyguard," an extended lap dance. "I regret getting boob jobs. And that people are not nicer to animals. And that people wear fur. And that..." When it was subsequently explained that we were really asking the question to Zito in relation to his having bopped her on no fewer than five occasions, he responded quickly, "what? You gotta ask?"

ANDY CAPPER: VICE MAGAZINE

EVERYTHING'S A-OK...UH OH....WAIT A MINUTE....

LONDON (SkullGame) -- "One time my co-worker Shane and I thought we were double stuffing a woman. I looked down and realized my dick was not in her ass. It was, actually, in her cunt with his dick. We were rubbing dicks. As soon as I realized this I pulled out and beat off on to her face. I know double stuffing is only a small membrane away from two dicks in a hole but that's all you need. And now I'm not sure but I suspect the whole thing made me go gay. And this, yes, this, I regret."

Whatever.

ON MONDAY: THE SKULLGAME CLEAN & SOBER FOR ONE DAY ISSUE. SUNDAY, TO BE EXACT.