WHEN REALITY STRIKES.....
NICE. AND SOMEWHERE KURT RUSSELL IS SITTING AROUND PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE FACE, CRYING, AND THEN PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE FACE SOME MORE.
AND from earlier in the, er, thing...
CORNHOLIO'S CUZ, PEANUT, ASKS WITH HIGH DUDGEON "WHY DOES HER ASS HAVE TO SMELL SO BAD?" POST-SAUCE WITH LADY CRICKET. PLUS: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN HERE ON GAY ROGER FEDERER, HEIDI MONTAG. LOTS IN HERE ON OJ SIMPSON & KIRSTIE ALLEY. CUZ: WE'RE HIGH.
AND because we too do have sponsors we salute them with an interview with PEANUT who appears with
LADY CRICKET on EXPLOITED MOMS.
LOOK AT HIS FACE. LOOK AT IT!!! THIS IS THE TRUE FACE OF SKULLGAME: UNREMITTING SOUL-HARROWING HORROR OVER THAT WHICH YOU WILL DO REGARDLESS OF EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING SCREAMING TO NOT DO IT.
REALITY (SkullGame)--"Peanut," not his real name, has had an enduring obsession with white women. However, as with all obsessions, this one's road has led straight to perdition. Also known as EXPLOITED MOMS. Sure, "Peanut" thought, with a name like "LADY CRICKET" how bad could it be? Well, from seasoned hands and admirals in Uglyoldtonia we can tell you Peanut that it could be very bad. Very, very, very bad, indeed. The tip off? A name that suggests the small and chaste clearly masks that the intended fuckee is neither.
So while we have gone places willingly that most men would fight their last breathe to avoid, while we have unashamedly had sex with women over 60, while we look back at these experiences with feelings other than horror and while we have bathed in our lowest points ever in order to secure in history, both a moment and a place, we can't really honestly expect this the average man, and "Peanut" ain't called "Peanut," for no reason, to do this.
"One day I will have sex with a woman who weighs less than me [during the time that we are dating," says our own ITALIAN SAL, apropos of nothing at all. "Someone once described for me what it was like but I wrote it off as a fairy tale."
Curiously enough SAL marks his stumble into greatness with bitter recrimination and blame for none other than the titular head of SkullGame, VINNIE ROSE. "Yes. I KISSED The THE BEEFALO. Twice. Because Vinnie "forced" me to kiss her all sexy and romantic like. But Vinnie produced the environment that made these sort of things seem good on the face of it!!!"
Heyyyy, we say, no need for all of that. That's like the carpenter yelling at the hammer.
Oh yeah: the interview with "Peanut."
SkullGame: You know most think we do what we do because we NEED to. They would be wrong. We want to. We are masters of our fate. Even if that fate is sad and disturbing. Do you agree?
"Peanut": I got paid $200.
SG: Yeah, but would you have PAID $200?!?
"Peanut": Hells no.
SG: Would you have had sex with a 300-pound woman who wore gray sweat pants and a white t-shirt from K-Mart and who held your hand as you walked through a lobby of a luxury hotel while you wore a $1000 suit?
"Peanut": [laughs] You did THAT?
SG: You ever hit a 300-pound woman in the head with a lead pipe, all sexy-like?
"Peanut": What?!?! NO. Hey man, we gonna talk about this scene or not?
SG: I thought so. No. The interview is over. We don't interview tourists.
AND from earlier in the, er, thing...
SKULLGAME SALUTES BEST GODDAMNED FIGHT BOOK IN WORLD WITH DRUG-FUELED DIRECTIVE: BUY THIS BOOK, OUR FRIEND WHAT WROTE IT GETS RICH, HOES & DRUG-FILLED FIESTAS
ONE GODDAMNED WORD....
BUY THIS FUCKING BOOK: FIGHT: OR, EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ASS-KICKING BUT WERE AFRAID YOU'D GET YOUR ASS KICKED FOR ASKING. IT SUCKS ABOUT AS MUCH AS GETTING HEAD FROM ABOUT 30 SLUTS AT ONCE DOES.
THIS re-run edition of SkullGame is brought to you by LoveYouJustTheWayYouAre thigh lubricant: "because intra-thigh conflagrations are no laughing matter"....
AGGGGGHHHHHHHH........
KAELIN ON THE COUCH AS OJ SIMPSON INVITED TO SKULLGAME THANKSGIVING DINNER CELEBRATIONS AFTER FOX NEWS EXECUTIVES SET THE JUICE LOOSE IN FOLIO FOLDING FAILURE. "WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN FRANK GIFFORD?" COLLECTIVE PUBLIC CRIES--A JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORT.
"IF I DID IT, I SURE AS FUCK WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE AT DENNY'S, RIGHT?" SIMPSON OFFERS SKULLGAME REPORTERS ANOTHER ALIBI IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WHEN ASKED TO SUCCINCTLY SUMMARIZE HIS ABORTED AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL ABATTOIR BEFORE BRIEFLY CONSULTING HIS MAGIC 8-BALL AND SAYING, "FISH DON'T FRY IN THE KITCHEN, BEANS DON'T BURN ON THE GRILL."
Los Angeles (SkullGame)--11 years after being acquitted of the murder of wife Nicole Brown Simpson and "umm...friend" Ron Goldman, former football sensation Orenthal James "OJ" Simpson's previously scheduled provocative new book titled If I Did It--an addendum to three unreleased preliminary drafts respectively named Did I Do It?, When I Did It, and That Fucking Jew--has been cancelled by Fox News Corporation chief and swallower of human souls Rupert Murdoch amidst public outrage.
A subsequent "unrestricted" television interview with publisher Judith Regan, originally set to air on Nov 27th and 29th, has similarly been rescinded after an attempt to wield her vagina as an ethical shield failed, reportedly sending her into a crying frenzy replete with repeat viewings of Lifetime network made-for-TV movies focusing on Jodie Foster and Meredith Baxter-Birney "getting raped a whole lot."
Insider sources told SkullGame reporters Wednesday afternoon that the book presented a hypothetical account on how Simpson, nicknamed "The Juice" by adoring fans, would have hypothetically stabbed the fucking shit out of "that dirty cracker slut and her filthy kike pig," before setting a group of expensive attorneys free to blame it all on "highly evolved space racists" with access to "state-of-the-art negro-framing-devices"--directly quoting Simpson as saying, "if Howard Cosell is still alive after sitting next to me for a full season then there's no way I killed any of them other motherfuckers."
Upon being informed that Cosell passed in 1995--around the time of the Simpson court proceedings, dubbed throughout the media as "The Trial Of The Century"--Simpson responded to SkullGame reporters with shuffling feet and a rather amazed "Oh..."
"Told you so."
ROSIE VS. RIPA IN RAUCOUS RUG-MUCHING RUMBLE; CONJURES MENTAL IMAGES BEST DESCRIBED AS "TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE" WHILE WORLD VOMITS IN MOUTH, ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP. FOREVER, IT HOPES--A JUDGE ROY BEAN EXCLUSIVE.
KELLY RIPA--LEGS ASTRIDE, SMOTHERING THE FAMILY PET--IN WHAT CAN ONLY BE DEEMED AS THE LAST HAPPY MOMENT OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE...
"YOU'M MAKEA EATBEAST MANGRY!" ROSIE O'DONNELL--PICKLE PARLOR PATRON AND ENEMY OF THE EROTIC--ARISES FROM THE PACIFIC TO WAGE A ONE-WOMAN WAR ON BONERS WORLDWIDE. AND WINS. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame)--Alleged female Rosie O'Donnell publicly reprimanded Live With Regis And Kelly co-host Kelly Ripa on etre aux femmes extravaganza The View last week, claiming a previously made comment by Ripa to homosexual Clay Aiken during a guest appearance was both "homophobic" and "a little odd;" leaving O'Donnell crying for atonement in the form of "snacking upon her crack whilst adorned in various Carhart niceties, perhaps in the back of a Ford F150 or something," among other things that a group of theologists surveyed from Drew University fear may very well disprove the existence of God.
During an interview with Dancing with the Stars winners Cheryl "not such a good speller but baby we understand" Burke and Emmitt "the running, dancing negro--imagine that" Smith on the November 18th episode of Live With Regis And Kelly--where Aiken was sitting in as a guest host in Regis Philbin's stead--the famed fellater placed his hand not-so-firmly over Ripa's mouth, to which she responded. "Oh, that's a no-no. Besides another man's beanbag, I don't know where that hand's been, honey!"
On the following Tuesday's episode of The View--a show that the Nielsen Media Research recently concluded is watched wholly by women that struggle with their weight--O'Donnell informed co-lesbians Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, and Barbara Walters that "to me that's a homophobic remark. If that was a man who didn't chug cock like a fratboy on a Keystone Light facility tour, didn't color-coordinate his scarf with his boyfriend's shoes, didn't wait outside of Ticketmaster for Cher tickets like the motherfucking Playstation 3 was on sale or something; if that was a guy which she could perhaps, in some far away galaxy, actually call into question his sexuality, she would have said a different thing--like 'I'm pregnant.'"
The Associated Press reported that Ripa was immediately patched in via phone to address O'Donnell's accusations of her being pregnant.
"He reached across and covered my mouth with his hand," Ripa said. "I have three kids, possibly more, and he's whacking off random audience members. It's cold and flu season, y'know? That's what I meant: That he's a random audience member whacker-offer. And I have a lot of kids. Some of which are probably yours. To imply that it's homophobic is outrageous!"
When reached for comment by SkullGame reporters, O'Donnell told "As a gay woman," before being informed that she had already gown way-too-fucking far, "I am a really gay woman, y'know?"
