GENE SIMMONS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY JEW REMOVAL SURGERY; “WE’VE DONE ALL WE CAN, MA’AM.WE DON’T THINK HE’S GOING TO PULL THROUGH.”—A JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORT
GENE SIMMONS (PICTURED ABOVE) AWAKENS FROM AN ONLY PARTIALLY SUCCESSFUL, EXTENSIVE RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGICAL PROCEDURE STEMMING FROM WHAT WITNESSES DESCRIBE AS A TRAGIC INCIDENT WHEREIN THE FAMED MUSICIAN, IN A KISS LISCENSING-INDUCED SEXUAL FERVOR, RAN INTO A BANK--NOSE FULLY ERECT--CAUSING WHAT DOCTORS STILL FEAR MAY BE IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO HIS VISAGE…AND HIS POOR, POOR MOTHER.
Los Angeles (SkullGame)—Celebrity gossip site TMZ.com reported Tuesday morning that Paleozoic-era Hebosaurus GENE SIMMONS was accompanied by longtime common-law wife SHANNON TWEED when admitted to the offices of Beverly Hills “surgeon for the stars” Dr. Frank Ryan for what AP reporters discovered was an emergency reconstructive procedure aimed at reversing the effects of a lifetime of unabashed and unbridled Jewry.
"I'd thought about it before, about how much money of yours I had," Simmons, 57, and bassist from Hebrew money laundering scheme KISS, told SkullGame via phone, recovering at his summer home in a branch of the Bank of New York Trust. "Yeah, I was aware of that--your money, that is--and how much of it I had."
"Like Jabba the Hutt…with your money!" added Tweed, Playboy's 1982 Playmate of the Year and Hebrew by association.
SkullGame reporters found that the procedure was also predicated on a supposed cry for help from Simmons’ child—18 year old son Nicholas--during a posthumous, ad hominem, circumcision attempt that arose after a visibly intoxicated Simmons had spent an estimated four days awake freebasing pennies and pacing around your money.
“I was sleeping in my KISS bed, hours before my KISS alarm clock was about to go off, when my dad burst into my room, trying to Jew me out of my foreskin.”
“At first I thought that it must be Saturday, and that I must be having a bad dream while laying on the beach in Florida or something. But once he tried to trick me into buying a set of KISS spatulas, I knew that this situation was all too real. My dad was high. Again. Off of your money.”
“We might have just chalked it up as a mechanical cost of doing domestic business, like Gene always says,” Tweed interjected, “were he just a bit less incredibly Yiddish in his sales pitch. I mean, c’mon, can’t we get all of KISS on one goddamned spatula instead of having to buy a set of four just to complete our KISS collection? He was even trying to sell Nick a spatula with Alice Cooper on it, acting like he was the fifth fucking Beatle and shit.”
“It was a vulgar display of Israel. Something had to be done.”
And from earlier in the week.....
SKULLGAME'S ON ITS WAY BACK FROM SXSW WHILE THE WORLD BURNS, CHENEY BEATS MAN IN ALLEY, GEORGE W. BUSH "NIGRAS" IT UP TO IMPRESS, UM, "NIGRAS"? AND KARL ROVE "DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING". PLUS: LEWINSKY, TARA REID FAT SLUT SYMPOSIUM. & SHIT.
THIS tribute to the great triumphs of the human spirit over tribulation with dignity, grace and equanimity is brought to you by JIZ CAKES.
THE CAKES MADE WITH LOADS & LOADS OF LOVE. NO. REALLY.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH AFTER WEATHERING EARLY ADMINISTRATION CRITICISM, IS GOING A LITTLE OVER BOARD IN THE WHOLE "NIGRA LOVING DEPARTMENT," SAYS SENATOR TRENT LOTT.
"YOU OK, BLACK PERSON? JUST CHECKING BLACK PERSON, YOU KNOW CUZ I CARE ABOUT BLACK PERSONS. AND ALL." GEORGE W. BUSH WAITING FOR THE PICTURE TO BE TAKEN "ALL GODDAMNED READY."
NEW ORLEANS (SkullGame) -- According to recent reports from Southern Senator TRENT LOTT, President GEORGE W. BUSH threw his arm around Louisiana hurricane victims and offered them his sympathy Tuesday as he visited a recovery center on the battered city where he played some dice, had some chicken, and poured some of his 40 on the ground for the "brothers who ain't here," in a display both "niggerific and nauseating," said the apoplectic Lott.
"How you doing? What now that your houses been reduced to fucking watery slop, your loved ones are dead and you now have dysentery? You doing OK? Good...good...glad to hear it" Bush shouted from his Air Force One Swamp Rover with that big fan thing on the back as he kicked up rooster tails in the backwash and yelled "YEE HAH."
TRENT LOTT'S RENDERING OF GEORGE W. BUSH'S IMAGE REBUILDING EFFORT
"Now you tell ME, and I don't care what y'all do up in JEW YORK CITY," said a red-faced Lott amidst two feet of brackish water in Gulfport, Mississippi, "but down here that kind of behavior, officially called 'niggering it up' is largely frowned upon by any self-respecting white man. Alls I know is if Strom was alive we wouldn't have perfectly good white men hugging up on Nigras just to advance some sort of political JewGenda."
"These have been trying weeks for Black...um, African Amer...um, Coloreds....damn. Um, Nigras. No, no, no....Negro Americans across the Southeast, especially in this state," Bush said after surveying the damage to a New Orleans' BBQ joint. "Our nation is praying for Black...um, African Amer...um, Coloreds....damn. Um, Nigras. No, no, no....Negro American victims of these storms.
Can we go now?"
TARA REID RE-VISITS FRENCH QUARTER. OFFERS HANDJOBS TO KATRINA SURVIVORS & JUDGE ROY BEAN IN SHOCKING DISPLAY OF HUMANITARIANISM.
"IF I GOT A HAND? THAT'S RIGHT: YOU GOT A JOB!!! CUZ WE GOTTA KEEP THE SPIRIT OF THIS SHITHOLE ALIVE, IN SPITE OF TOUGH TIMES!!!"
NEW ORLEANS (SkullGame) — TARA REID, a tragedy in and of herself, made a trip to the French Quarter and offered her services to Hurricane Katrina survivors by way of crouching in an E. Coli infested corner and beating off a whole bunch of dudes, the Associated Press reported Monday afternoon.
Starting approximately sometime after the sun rose and finishing sometime after the sun rose again; Reid, 29, extracted swimmers from approximately 200 newly homeless, grief-stricken, New Orleans residents--stopping only for the occasional swill of Schnapps and to spew obscenities at a non-present FEMA, whom she blamed for an “unnecessarily massive loss of life” and an “unnecessarily massive loss of potential loads”.
Ever the slur of reason, Reid was overheard rhetorically remarking, “How the fuck exactly do you expect me to enjoy next year's Mardi Gras celebration when there’s up to 10,000 people who won’t be present for my random beating-offings and alcohol-induced ramblings about parties and Carson Daly being a faggot and shit?” To which she then shrugged and started tugging pole again as if an epiphany had never even happened in the first place.
Elroy Washington, a 57-year old Jefferson Parish resident who braved alligators, looters, and cholera to get himself a “goddamn drink and some respect” told our reporters, “Woo-hoo, that’s some fucked up bitch right there.” Further elaborating, “Y’know, I done seen some shit this here week that I ain’t never gonna believe. Doggone hurricanes, kids eating dogs, dogs eating kids, all kinds of stuff the good lord never did intend. But her? She is the biggest shock of ‘em all. And it ain’t even February yet in this motherfucker.”
IN A VERITABLE WHIRLWIND OF CONFUSION, MONICA LEWINSKY TAKES THAT WHOLE LOAD BLOWING THING TO LIMEY LAND...IN ORDER TO HELP HURRICANE VICTIMS
"QUICK. I GOTTA GO TO LONDON! PACK THE BEAR CLAWS!!!"
NEW ORLEANS (SkullGame) -- Former White House intern and super-sucktress MONICA LEWINSKY is heading to Britain to aid in the New Orleans rescue efforts while studying in a Masters in Psychology program at the prestigious London School of Economics.
The "curvy" 32-year-old Lewinsky, who shocked the world when reports of her sex antics with former President Bill Clinton hit newsstands, completed her first degree in psychology in 1995 before she started work for the former U.S. leader, allayed recent public concerns regarding how she aced the extremely difficult entrance exam saying simply, "I used my head."
When it was pointed out to her that Louisiana was, in fact, located in the American South and not the British Isles, she got quiet, very quiet, finished munching on a glazed donut and said aloud "haha...GOOD one."
