IN an amazing re-creation of the crime scene in question SkullGame's YOZA throws himself on the mercy of the court, and ass, while giving VINNIE absolutely no choice but to vote GUILTY on any and all charges of ass banditry and selfish motherfuckery for hiding the bush in the bush when his brothers-in-need were lurking nearby in the shrubs, cameras in hand: alone. And without.
IT'S ALLLLLL FUN & GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES A LOAD!
SCIENTOLOGISTS GROW CRUISE BABY IN OFFSHORE LABORATORY, ACCORDING TO NOTED AUTHORITY JUDGE ROY BEAN
"AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO BE YOU, TOM? WE JUST AIN'T FUCKING BUYING IT. THE FOOTBALL-THEMED PARTIES, THE KEG-ERATOR, THE SUPPOSED AFFINITY FOR KATJA KASSIN--IT'S ALL, ULTIMATELY, A MOOT POINT."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) — TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES, one part Lifetime channel cable movie about the struggles of fag-hags/one part monkey-wrenched Will and Grace re-run, are reportedly expecting a child as soon as genetic engineers at a clandestine, Scientologist-funded laboratory floating somewhere in International waters figure out what the fuck is wrong with their hydroponic set-up.
Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, Holmes’ estranged publicist, contacted SkullGame Tuesday evening with the information that it is, indeed, impossible to get pregnant in the butt—a tidbit of information that had all of Greece, Italy, and Turkey resounding in a chorus of relief-laden sighs.
"KISS YOU? WHAT?!? HERE?!?!?"
When reached for comment, Cruise grew expectantly slap-happy and loudly stated betwixt snapping fingers, “Some men just appreciate show-tunes, alright? It’s not indicative of anything else, regardless of what you Mary’s might like to think. I don’t see how throwing one, or 20, cabana parties replete with shirtless men running amok in martini-fueled bouts of hugging could possibly be misconstrued as anything other than healthy, heterosexual bonding.” Later adding, “there is absolutely no reason to believe that holding onto dreams of being a flight attendant, meeting Cher, or just generally being fabulous is somehow inversely related to my… err... someone’s ability to procreate. You bunch of sillies!!!”
Holmes declined our attempts to interview, assumedly due to her time being eaten up by perpetually, and actively, pursuing the one load she can’t have and spending her time with a man who adopted a pseudonym that loudly doubles as gay slang instead of sucking off our entire staff.
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: KATIE GOLD PEGS DANZIG AS JEW: CORRECT OR NO???
"MY NAME IS KATIE GOLD & I SPECIALIZE IN LOADS. AND VOTE!"
A return to the game that every adult film star has been waiting to play, WHO'S WHO, WHO'S NOT A JEW, ITALIAN SAL reaches adult film starlet, KATIE GOLD, who just recently starred in Sinful Pleasures DOUBLE DICKED and posed the question that’s on everyone’s lips: “Katie, who’s who who’s not a Jew?"
Consider: GLENN DANZIG
AN EMISSARY OF EVIL. IN MASCARA. AND LEATHER BOOTS. SHIRTLESS. WITH TIGHT PANTS.
SkullGame: Glenn Danzig: Who’s who, who’s not a Jew?
Katie: Ah, what?
SG: Now keep in mind, the name Danzig is the name of a predominately Jewish Polish port city also known as Gdansk. So Katie. Who’s who who’s not a Jew?
Katie: I don’t know if I feel comfortable doing this.
SG: Now keep in mind that very few ethnic Poles are 5’5 and have dark hair and dark eyes.
Katie: This is wrong, can we talk about my movie “Double Dicked Volume 2”? It’s really good, all two on one tag team action.
SG: The clock is ticking Katie. Who’s who, who’s not Jew?
Katie: Not a Jew? I really can’t do this.
[Dial tone]
SG: Katie? Katie? There you have it, folks. Glenn Danzig, much like Katie, obviously a Jew.
So you ask: "Sal, what have we learned here short of the fact that your sense of humor borders on a land between Jew Bait and Jewtonia? To which I say: Glenn Danzig, a Jewy Jew Jew, and Katie Gold? A hot piece of ass. Sinful Pleasures “Double Dicked Volume 2” pick up a copy.
MARIAH CAREY FORMER DEAL WITH DEVIL RENEWED AS HER OWN PERSONAL CAPTAIN CHARON DRIVES DOG 3000 MILES
CAREY, CRAWLING ACROSS THE PLAINS OF ABBADON AFTER RE-UPPING
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Mistress of Misery Ms. MARIAH CAREY refused to leave her dog in New York City when he was refused a seat on a flight to Los Angeles, so she dispatched her chauffeur to drive Jack the Jack Russell terrier 3,000 miles across America.
The singer was left speechless when the airline she was flying first class with refused Jack a berth "because he's too big." She tells British Glamour, "They said, 'We'd only allow it for a famous dog.' Please! He has three Web sites dedicated to him."
God help us all.
