God grant us the serenity to, oh Jesus. Um. OK. The serenity to be serene about shit that should fucking just fezz us the fuck up liiiikkkkeee the police at the door and the previous 48 hours of research into why exactly that junkie EDDIE T. brought ain't breathing: A Case Study.

YES. IT WAS THIS BAD.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT HAS FINE-ASS TAY TAYS: A JIMMY THE "G" PHOTO-SOCIOLOGICAL STUDY

PHOTO-SOCIOLOGICAL PROOF OF WHAT I SAY

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Actress" JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT has just decided to behave like a grown-up lady adult now that she's all turned 26 -- and seriously consider making earnest efforts to get the rest of the world to remember that she IS an actress. WITH a face.

The "star" who welcomed her birthday on February 21, has now decided it's time to get some eye contact going. She says, "It is a good time, it's scary though 'cause I haven't used make up in years. It just hasn't seemed necessary what with you all staring at my fucking deelishus dig dugs all these years. Even though it's time and stuff ... it still freaks me out."

Because of Hewitt's fears of "getting older," her family threw her a party identical to the one she had when she celebrated her 7th birthday. Efforts to get her to strip and dance the hokey pokey, however, were consistently unsuccessful.

JENNIFER ANISTON CATCHES THE GAY

NOPE. NOTHING LESBO AT ALLLLLLL GOING ON HERE!!!!!

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER ANISTON is having a hissy fit and angrily denying Internet reports that she split up with husband BRAD PITT after falling for another woman who we suspect at SkullGame might be a Lesbowski.

The former "Friends" star has instructed high-powered Hollywood publicist Kevin Huvane to kill the rumors she has a secret lesbian lover in New York. Huvane says, "Of all the preposterous things that I've been paid huge amounts of money to lie about this is the most preposterous, I mean this one just takes the cake. Oh. I mean," glancing at a pre-printed piece of paper. "Jennifer Aniston is not now nor has ever been a hairpie lunching lesbian."

The scandalous claims were posted on anonymous website Productshopnyc.com -- they state Aniston has fallen in love with a female relative of an unnamed male movie star who we're hoping will send us photos as soon as the check clears.

KATE MOSS, A WELL-KNOWN FRIEND OF COCK, MAKES A FEW MORE FRIENDS

OH C'MON JEN...NOW DON'T BE MAD.....

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Supermodel KATE MOSS was snubbed by The Bravery frontman Sam Endicott -- just weeks after her split with troubled rockstar Pete Doherty, in the surest sign that it ain't just an accent: British men ARE gay.

The waifish, especially if by "waifish" you mean "like a young boy with rickets" beauty hung around after the band's show in London last week after leaving a message for their manager to say that she, despite seeming overwhelmingly like a gay boy was, in fact, keen to meet the gay and/or funny talking Endicott.

However, Moss stormed off as the rockers decided they would rather have an early night than meet up with the model. A friend reveals, "She was really disappointed. But Sam and the band decided they were too tired. She ran a couple of rails of crank and ended up leaving in a hurry to do about 18 more hours of things in a hurry."

Endicott isn't the only gay Brit star to reject the advances of Moss -- she was apparently "desperate" to spend time with FRANZ FERDINAND frontman Alex Kapranos, who didn't even open his dressing room door to her. Last month, the Scottish singer said, "I must be the only man to turn down a supermodel who IS gay."