"They took me to this Museum. Holo...Holo-something or other. They called it 'The Museum of German Achievement'. Anyways we went there and they gave us these kicky little museum badges that look like yellow stars and said 'Jude' inside them. I mean how did they know?!?! Well, it was just extremely thoughtful, that's all I'm saying."

WHAT HAPPENS TO NAUGHTY NAZIS WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT WITH THEIR HANDS IN THE GENOCIDAL COOKIE JAR ONE TIME TOO MANY

UBERMODEL HEIDI KLUM DEFEATS LOGIC; LOGIC MYSTIFIED

OHHHH....I SEE. SHE'S GOT CREAM ALL OVER HER ASS!!! WHY YES, THAT IS HILARIOUS MS. KLUM. MY "SPECIAL" FROSTING MADE WITH MY "SPECIAL" SAUCE IS ONE FUCKING LAFF RIOT. NOW, UM, RUB SOME ON YOUR LIPS, IF YOU WOULD. GREAT...GREAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BERLIN (SkullGame) -- German SuperModel HEIDI KLUM'S famous long legs have been valued at more than $1.8 million by a jewelry specialist, lunatic and desperate-for-any-kind-of-publicity-at-all, John Souglides.

Souglides, from auction house Phillips De Pury & Co., assessed the Victoria's Secret skag's legs using the principles of jewelry evaluation -- length, shape, rarity, commercial value and the likelihood that cracking them open will lead to someone getting fucked -- so the 31-year-old can be insured for the duration of her ads for Braun's latest hair removal product.

Souglides says, "Having valued static objects for 15 years, it makes for a refreshing change to be asked to, um, get a knuckle-deep evaluation of the value of something living, breathing, yielding and warm and wet to the touch of my trembling hand."

"Phillips De Pury has been in the valuation business since 1796. Although we have valued some unusual and unique pieces in that time, this is the first time we have ever been asked to value a hot Nazi bitch like this one."

NICOLE KIDMAN FORCES A FLUID ALLIANCE WITH HAUPTSBAUMFUHRER KLUM

"TOM? I'M LEAVING YOU FOR THE GAY GUINEA." "WHAT? I'M SORRY. I WAS THINKING ABOUT GEORGE MICHAEL'S LEGAL TROUBLES."

ROME (SkullGame) -- Because she hasn't dated a Gay man in a while, Hollywood superstar slut NICOLE KIDMAN is keeping company with the de facto Gay Italian motor racing boss FLAVIO BRIATORE.

The star, who was married to TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE for 10 years, set tongues wagging when she was spotted sharing an intimate, sausage brandishing "rendezvous" with Briatore over dinner last week.

Now friends say the pair is planning to spend time together this week in Venice, Italy -- where Kidman is promoting her latest film, "Birth," at the Venice Film Festival. A German source close to Kidman says, "I can't see this latest one being more than a passing fling at best. Mostly on account of the fact that the Italians will turn and run at the slightest provocation, a small Ethiopian child with a stick for example. "

Briatore has a reputation as a conflicted Casanova and highly repressed homosexual and has fucked the shit out of some of the world's most beautiful women including EVA HERZIGOVA and NAOMI CAMPBELL. He is also the bastard sire of ex-girlfriend Heidi Klum's baby, Leni Riefenstahl.

TATUM O'NEAL GRAND SLAMS JOHNNY MCENROE. AGAIN.

IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT SCORING HEROIN IS MADE SIMPLER BY, INSTEAD OF CASH, USING SEXUAL FAVORS.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Oscar winner TATUM O'NEAL has recently blasted ex-husband steroid user, cokehead and Neo-Nazi JOHN MCENROE, insisting she has never once regretted walking out on the former tennis ace.

In an interview with ROD STEWART-impersonator BARBARA WALTERS, the actress said she left JOHNNY MACK when she realized his cruelty was wrecking the family. The couple have been at odds for years -- and McEnroe shocked the world last year with a tell-all book that revealed he and his ex-wife did drugs together. They're still involved in a custody battle for the kids following O'Neal's 1997 rehab stint for a heroin problem.

Tatum says, "He can be extremely cruel. He told me that I was a coward, that I was full of goddamned shit, that I needed to respect him more. He told me never ever ... try to leave me, I will hurt you I will take away the kids. McEnroe wants to kill me. He kicked me down the stairs. All I wanted was something, anything, like even a C-note for a little taste of something, anything, but he kicked my ass down the stairs. I just couldn't take it. If he won't score for me I'll just go somewhere with someone, anyone, who can. And who doesn't make me suck off the dog too often for the amusement of his friends. THAT'S the kind of man I'm looking for."