But first a moment of quiet reflection for WEEZIE JEFFERSON, pictured below with the love of her life, GEORGE.
MOVIN' ON UP
She passed away today at the tender, the sexy AND tender, age of 86, heartbroken still over GEORGE leaving her for a wild ride in the SWISH ALPS with his homosexually gay Amish life partner and lover, JEDEDIAH PALM.
JEDEDIAH AND GEORGE
God speed you, sweet chariot.
GENA LEE NOLIN SEX TAPE IS OUT!!! COME ON!!! IT'S OUT!!! WHAT?!?! YOU AIN'T EXCITED?!?! WELL, NO SHE DIDN'T SPROUT A THIRD TIT!!! SHE WAS ON BAYWATCH!!! WHAT? WHAT?!?! ARE YOU GAY?!?!
NOT ANYMORE WE'RE NOT.
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- BAYWATCH near-celebrity skank of the minute GENA LEE NOLIN, purportedly retired in the Grand Canyon State has watched her career sink with the speed and suddenness of SHELLEY LONG's singing stint post-Cheers.
Enter: the alleged "angry ex-husband" and a release of her fuck vid to the web, to the world and more precisely to our little corner of it at SKULLGAME.
HERE I AM STARRING IN MOUTHFUL OF COCK. IT'S A FALL SHOW. ON WB. YES, YES. THE CRITICS ARE CRAZY FOR IT.
New York Post's PageSix reported Tuesday that the blonde bombshell, now 32, had a few problems brewing, the least of which was the giant sucking sound coming from the vicinity or near environs of her career. The least of which was really the sex tape of her and estranged husband GREG "I'm Going To Ruin It For Everybody Else" FAHLMAN. She also has been dealing with a stalker named DAVE DIETRICH who apparently, after feverishly fucking his fist to video images of her, bought property in her subdivision and showed up at her door for a "hug." Nolin's response was to call the cops. To see if they could find her career.
PageSix also reported that the tape in question was shot in the '90s after one of Nolin's three breast implants surgeries and features hubby coaxing her like you gotta coax a dog to dinner, to take off the bra. "Take that bra off for Daddy" and "Tell me what you're going to do to my hot body" are some of the cringe-inducing phrases that loverman Fahlman utters, according to reports.
I'M NOT A HO. I JUST PLAY ONE ON TV. AND THE WEB. AND YOUR LAPTOP. AND IN CHATROOMS.
A spokesman for Nolin, Jerry Shandrew, who is being paid in promises and pussy, said that there is suspicion that Fahlman's ex-wife was responsible for the tape's release. "Gena and Greg are separated, but not divorced," he told PageSix in some sort of legalistic Jedi Mind Fucking Trick. "The video was a strictly private matter, created and shot by Gena and Greg in the privacy of the then-married couple's home, and made with absolutely no witnesses present outside of the camera man and a few sound techs. Neither Gena nor Greg ever has authorized the reproduction, distribution, public display or public performance of their fuck video or any element of the fuck video for less than 60 on the split. For the fuck video."
Whatever.
AND SPEAKING OF VIDEO HO'S: HILTON "SETTLES" "LAWSUIT" WITH SEX TAPE "CO-STAR"
THAR SHE FUCKING BLOWS: HILTON LOOKING FORWARD TO LUNCH
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Unregenerate whore PARIS HILTON, whose name we've typed a greater number of times in this scorn sheet than there are words in the English fucking language, and ex-boyfriend RICK "I'M RICH, BITCH" SALOMON, allegedly have ended their legal battle over their infamous sex tapes...well not so much the tapes, but the millions and millions of dollars the tapes have made.
The reality TV sausage smoker reached an agreement with Salomon -- who videotaped and marketed their semen-soaked romp. She will get a cut of the profits, reports sources close to SKULLGAME named VINNIE.
Another close source named VINNIE also claims Salomon and film company RED LIGHT DISTRICT VIDEO have agreed to pay the blonde more than $400,000 and a percentage of the sales of their release "ONE NIGHT IN PARIS," for sucking "real, real good." Salomon has consequently dropped a lawsuit that accused Hilton and her representatives of defaming him for just doing what comes naturally to a man saddled with that saddlebag of a tramp for any period of time: selling her skinny ass down the river.
AND NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK...
Hilton's friend argues, "Paris is certainly NOT capitalizing on the tape. She has insisted that an ample portion of the proceeds are donated to charity."
To which SKULLGAME responds "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!?"
SURVIVOR SLUT JENNA LEWIS' SEX VID RELEASE. YAWN. SHE'S ANGRY ABOUT IT. OR SOMETHING.
COME WATCH ME JIGGLE JIZ ON MY JUGS
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Survivor All-Stars SlamHound contestant JENNA LEWIS might not be a Hollywood pop star, but she can sure suck a cock like one according to published reports from VINNIE.
Jenna's taking her place along side such "famous" Hollywood bone merchants as PARIS HILTON, PAMELA ANDERSON, GENA LEE NOLIN, TONYA HARDING, and VANESSA WILLIAMS after an allegedly "stolen" sex tape of her and new husband TRAVIS WOLFE "suddenly" appeared for purchase on the Internet. The 42-minute video claims to feature Jenna and Travis during their wedding night, which came after the 26-year-old mother of 7-year-old twins (NICE touch), took off to Las Vegas to elope with the 21-year-old male model (translation: gay), who she had known for only six weeks.
NO. SERIOUSLY.
HOW the video leaked onto the Internet, where an online site is charging $40 for a 10 day access pass to the full 42-minute footage, is totally fucking unclear to anybody NOT living on Planet Earth. However, a quick check of the site's domain registration information shows that the domain was registered on May 3, 2004 (the Monday following the couple's wedding) -- a fact that when combined with the couple's run to the altar, has sparked speculation that either Jenna or Travis themselves might have had a role in its distribution.
REALLY? YOU DON'T SAY.
"SHOCKING" CATHOLIC CHURCH REVELATIONS: SEMINARY FULL OF SEMEN
TORN FROM THE PAGES OF ALTAR BOY: THE MAGAZINE FOR THE WAYWARD PRIEST!!!
VIENNA (Where The Boy's Choir Is) -- Roman Catholic leaders in Austria called an emergency meeting today after officials discovered a vast cache of photos and videos allegedly depicting young priests having sex at a seminary.
About 40,000 photographs and an undisclosed number of films, including child pornography, were downloaded on computers at the seminary in St Poelten, about 50 miles west of Vienna, the respected news magazine Profil reported.
The Austrian Bishops Conference issued a statement today pledging a full and swift investigation.
“Anything that has to do with homosexuality or pornography has no place at a seminary for priests,” it announced to a room full of laughing journalists.
Bishop Kurt Krenn, a conservative churchman who oversees the St Poelten Diocese, told Austrian television he had seen photos of seminary leaders in sexual situations with students. Krenn, however, dismissed the photos as “silly pranks” that “had nothing to do with the kind of homosexuality we practice here.”
