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NICOLE RICHIE GOES TO JAIL FOR 80 MINUTES FOR DRUNK DRIVING, LINDSAY LOHAN DISCOVERS COCAINE NOT ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA. FOR LINDSAY LOHAN. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SLUTS GO WILD...IN THE JUDGES' CHAMBERS: A SKULLGAME EXPOSE.
"I'M A DRUNKEN SLUT. AND I VOTE. FOR JUDGES. WITH MY QUIM" SAYS A CLEARLY INEBRIATED DRUNKEN SLUT NICOLE RICHIE.
HOLLYWOOD, LAND OF THE FREE & THE HOME OF THE SLUTS (SkullGame) -- NICOLE RICHIE is a free woman after serving just over an hour of a four-day sentence in prison. The slut socialite was booked, released and remanded to the judge's quarters after an 80-minute spell at the Century Regional Facility in Lynwood, Calif., on Thursday because, according to Judge Richard Solario, "she, um, served her debt to, er, the people of California. And shit."
A spokesman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department explains prison population slut levels, sub-legal suck jobs and slut celebrity prompted officials to release Richie after the brief prison spell.
In a press release, the sheriff's spokesman writes, "besides being a slut is no crime. Especially not if her slut lips are wrapped around my pole at the time you're asking me, or the Judge here, to render a summary judgment. So, at this time, the criteria for a female arrestee sentenced to 30 days or less for a non-violent offense is as follows: the arrestee is booked, screened and usually released within 12 hours. Post-about 80 minutes of cock sucking."
"This procedure is based on our sluts go free statute in California."
Richie was charged with a misdemeanor DUI on July 27 and was sentenced to 36 months of summary probation. She got 80 minutes with a cock in her mouth. Even PARIS HILTON was surprised.
IN RELATED SLUT NEWS: COCAINE LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA FOR NOT-SO-STUPID SLUT LINDSAY LOHAN
JUST IN THE GODDAMNED NICK OF TIME, TOO.....
HOLLYWOOD (SWINGING) -- Troubled actress LINDSAY LOHAN's parents have spoken of their "sadness" after the star was ordered to serve one day in jail for drunk-driving, saying "even that was too goddamned much," but were by equal measures grateful to have Federal sentencing laws in regards to cocaine possession temporarily lifted by well-sated jurist judge Richard Solario.
The star will also perform 10 days of community service, employing Vietnamese pedicurists at her house, after she plead guilty to half of one of the seven misdemeanor charges against her, with Judge Solario waiving the remaining charges on account of "some other shit."
Lohan's mother Dina has branded the sentence "sad," adding, "Something bad is going to happen, I'm afraid....If they don't making everything LEGAL in California for sluts I'm afraid this will have a chilling effect on California sluttery."
Her ex-husband Michael -- who has served time in jail himself -- says his daughter was "a victim of her own celebrity, circumstance and a fatigued and generally fucked out judiciary."
Lohan must now serve a 24-hour jail term, after the judge cut a mandatory sentence.
A further day was taken off the sentence because of time Lohan has already served during her arrests. Sucking stuff.
IN NEWS OF THE TOTALLY UNSURPRISING: TOM CRUISE & "WIFE" SLEEP IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS
TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE WITH DIRECTOR STEVEN "TOM'S NOT GAY" SPIELBERG. HUGGING. GAILY SO.
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- TOM CRUISE and Katie Holmes "sleep" in "separate bedrooms" because the heartthrob actor "snores" "loudly," with his lips wrapped around a cock, according to reports.
A source quoted in Star magazine claims the "couple" struck up the arrangement so Holmes "can get a peaceful night's sleep," free from the noisome activities of non-homosexuality. The insider says, "It's a situation that works for both of them. In fact, they even joke about having separate bedrooms to their friends -- Katie says Tom snores, and this way she can get her beauty sleep! Of course they spend time together alone at night like most married couples; after all, they conceived Suri! Their ONE child."
