FIRST THERE WAS THIS........
SKULLGAME'S RESIDENT NAZI HEINRICH BIMMLER PLAYER HATES ITALIAN SAL PACINO OUTTA POON, SELF-RESPECT. SAYS, "WHO VAS HE FOOLING, TRYING TO ACT WHITE?"
AN ARTIST'S DEPICTION OF BIMMLER'S TREATMENT OF THE UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED SKULLGAME MAN CODE
THE SKULLGAME MAN CODE
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless they are GAY.
2. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Unless you're busy banging his old lady in which case, you must bail him out immediately after banging his old lady.
and the one most germane to this public hearing,
4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent). Interfering in said sharing of anecdote for the express purpose of cock-blocking a bro whilst and especially when you, yourself have guaranteed pussy, is anathema and an earmark of quasi-gayness.
5. No man is never required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. Even if you ARE gay.
NOW on to the stenographer sluts original deposition.
HEINRICH: I vas at ze Ruby Sky mit meine bitch "Chris". She ist very muscular und hast had her period for months now, so das ist the reason for ze anal sex, when ve spotted the Italian dwarf, ITALIAN SAL'S PACINO. He vas talking und laughing with ze flower of White womanhood...he's talking about Friends und lying about moving to ze Marina and acting Whiter zenn legitimately White aryans like myself. Vell, it vas too much. I stepped over and sufficiently prevented any sort of race traitoring occurring on meine vatch!!! He vas angry, but not nearly as angry as I was back in 1944 when ze Italian army knifed Germany in ze back.
ITALIAN SAL PACINO: Goddamn, that motherfucker. I'm sitting there with this slut dental hygienist. Making OK time. And then I see in the reflection of my glass the world's smallest horror movie: Heinrich skipping toward me. Next thing I know he's going on about "why do you act like you don't know me?" and did she know that "Italians are really Arabs, which are a variant of sand nigger." Now, all of that was essentially true, but that doesn't change the fact that I went from possibly getting pussy to definitely NOT getting pussy all as a direct result of his Aryan inter-fucking-vention. And insult to injury? He got laid. Albeit with the manbeast he calls a girlfriend. But laid, nonetheless. Me? Grimly masturbated in a sock. I rest my fucking case.
Our own JUDGE ROY BEAN will render a summary judgement on Weds.
AND THEN THIS!!!!
After meditating long and hard on this non-civil matter of cock-blockery within our ranks, for literally minutes upon seconds in a day that could have better been spent possibly, but now quite obviously not, acquiring flap--I am left with certainties, uncertainties, and thoughts that lie somewhere in-between, all of which I will address thoroughly below. However, since the presence of “question” has never stood in the way of my assent to “conclusion” (and given the direness of this subject and the tackling of) I find that the favor of time is not currently afforded to us, and thus the proverbial gavel need droppethed, and droppethed in a manner most authoritative--with all tenets of popular theology being taken into ample consideration. Since it appears that confusion is our unwelcomed guest this eve, allow me to take a moment to share some thoughts that have occurred to me upon reviewing these depositions:
As stated before during the initial hearing, it is in fact moderately bisexual to playerhate a comrade when said playerhating serves the offender little to no possible gain. Translation: There is an ethos that must be stringently abided by between males of the species, even if only loosely aligned, in order to keep the patriarchy from toppling. By playerhating a buddy, you are in essence appeasing the cruelest tastes of the female animal—namely, the desire for division of allegiance, the smashing of the “bros before hos” code of honor which is, in truth, the only thing that ensures our continuing getting laid. Without the proper support network, men become bitches with shocking swiftness and regularity. If allowed, this constant in-fighting will leave any given subject alone in a virtual Amazonian dystopia, standing outside of some fucking restroom holding a purse, massaging bunion covered feets, bitchlipping their way through every yeast infection—and since women cannot desire that which they cannot respect, cannot fuck that which they pity, this will ultimately leave that man acquiring much less vagina than he would if he had retained the goddamn self-respect that is the end result of having a side to be on. With enough frequency this unfortunate phenomena may spread to the level of macrocosm, and we will all be thoroughly (and not literally) fucked. Taking this into consideration, playerhating just for the sake of is, in essence, a crime against humanity (something Heinrich really needs to chill the fuck out on), and could in theory force us all to acts of faggotry in an attempt to escape an existence of being some bitch’s handbag.
So, before taking food from another man’s table, one must always pose the question to himself: “Is this going to end with me being fed?” If the answer is “no”, it’s probably because you are trying, perhaps even unconsciously, to slip your meat onto the man’s plate—which is a clever analogy that ends with you being a closested homo of sorts.
Of all the reasons to slight another, of all the banners to march under, the white woman is one of the more unworthy causes one can possibly champion. Yous don’t believe me? Do you have a white woman? Is she sitting in the other room right now watching the fucking Gilmore Girls and gaining weight--thinking about shit like not getting a job? You bet your ass she is. You kinda wish she would go away right now, don’t you? My point exactly. The fact is, all of us that are unfortunate enough to have to regularly deal with a white woman know goddamn well the insufferable cuntitude that emanates from them, as if they were a body of light—a body of light of pure worthlessness that cries a whole lot; and we spend all the time that we are not fucking them praying for car accidents and alien abductions. Nearly every other strain of ho is of greater intrinsic value—Asian women with those snazzy sideways Virginias and their subservience and kung fu and shit, Latin women for their fondness for fitting a whole bunch of heroin up their asses and sleeping in the kitchen, Black women for their ability to take a punch. What do white girls have besides a rich father that secretly wants to take you on a fishing accident? That’s right, your wallet in one pocket, your cellphone call-log in the other, and your balls in her purse (which she’s going to upgrade with the pillaged remnants from section A and then smack you repeatedly upside the head for what she found in section B.). Fucking get out while you can, unless you like starting a fight over nothing, in which case get the fuck out and take that white whore with you. She’s good at that shit. Trust me.
With all of the above being taken into consideration, with a strong tendency to upholding justice and order, I find it morally preferable, nay morally imperative, to render judgment in favor of Italian Sal Pacino, vegetarian, in the amount of two Mueller Lites (which he is to pass along to me to aid in all the stress I’ve experienced in handling this travesty of a sham) and a one-time free pass to diddle Heinrich’s “Aryan Princess”, real or imagined, regardless of the “love” he may have for her, which is almost certainly imagined. Furthermore, I sentence Heinrich to two weeks of sexual reorientation therapy in hopes of quelling what could quite possibly be the first symptoms of homo-ocity, in particular “playerhating in light of non-projected gain” and “internet fascism”—a phenomenon which is rampant in the darker corners of gay internet pornography.
Case closed.
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO….THE LORD OF THE RINGS MADE ME GAY
“Very, very, very gay,” says former heterosexual and SkullGame Senior Editor
DEAR DIARY: I THINK FRODO IS ABSOLUTELY FAB. BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE. LEST THEY FALL UNDER THE MAGIC HOMO SPELL OF THE RING
I think the title of this piece speaks for itself so please believe me when I say that after watching the third and final installment of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I am now hopelessly and inexorably an unabashed and unrepentant homosexual.
You might say, Sal: how the fuck can a movie possibly make you gay?
And I respond: how the fuck could the Lord of the Admiralty have sent wave after wave of British troops into the Dardanelles?
The answer: I don’t know. I’m actually not even quite sure where the Dardanelles are. I think they may be a kicky little outlet store in Turkey. But I digress.
Now, what the hell were we talking about?
Ah yes, the gay epic Lord of the Rings.
Look, many have asked what is the cause of this sudden attack of the Gays? As if the human condition is so simple that one thing can cause you to act one way or another. In actuality the human creature is a very complex animal and the nature or nurture answer don’t quite fit. You see, in this case it was not one thing that you can point at and say, ‘that’s what made me gay.’ It’s three things that make you gay, in this case it’s the, The Lord of the Rings and its three installments, The Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria. Any one of these taken alone? Harmless. However together, these amount to the trifecta of gay, the veritable triple crown of homosexuality.
But getting back to the movie. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever looked at another man the way Sam looks at Frodo. Nuf said. And as if that isn’t enough what the fuck is up with Pippin and Merry? These two have really cranked the gay up to 11. This movie was literally three hours and forty minutes of uncomfortable moment after uncomfortable moment climaxing at the end with a tender moment between Sam and Frodo that threatened to degenerate into passionate jailhouse kissing.
So if you would excuse me now. I am off to try and regain any bit of hetero credibility that I may have left by watching Rambo, Terminator, 1, 2 and 3, and Spartacus. Ooooo, I have to see Spartacus. I love the way Tony Curtis. Huh, what? It’s not helping, is it? Fuck. I guess it IS too late.
Mom? Yeah yeah listen it’s me. Great, great. No. I didn’t know Ciccio was there. What? Mom, c’mon. Listen. Ma? Listen, I saw Lord of the Goddamned Rings today. When!?!? Today. And incidentally? Yeah, Ma, yeah. Today is also the day, curiously enough, that I became gay. Can you fucking believe it?
BATSHIT LUNATIC LESBO MELISSA ETHERIDGE CLAIMS HER MARRIAGE TO A WOMAN HAS HELPED FOOTBALL HEROES
MISSOURI (SkullGame) -- In a total think tank level of inspired lunacy Batshit Lunatic Lesbo Rocker MELISSA ETHERIDGE is taking all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs' successful season, after she namechecked them in the vows at her wedding to another lesbian.
MELISSA AND A BUNCH OF OTHER LESBOS
Etheridge and Tammy Michaels are huge fans of the Chiefs, who are among the favorites to win next month's Super Bowl. Michaels explains, "One of my vows was to be a Chiefs fan and I'm very happy right now."
Etheridge adds, "I want to write the Kansas City Chiefs football team a letter and tell them it's because my wife vowed to be a Chiefs fan that we are obviously having a successful season."
The Chiefs, along with the rest of the western world, could not in any way, shape or form, be reached for comment as they live on a planet far, far away from the one that the Etheridges live on. A planet called, interestingly enough, EARTH.
HABIB GOES HOMO....AND THE REST OF SKULLGAME RAISES ITS EYEBROWS OVER ITS TENSELY PURSED LIPS AND WONDER ALOUD IF THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY
http://www.oldonboy.com/
We here at SKULLGAME like to push the envelope a little bit. Oh fuck it who am I kidding? We like to tear the goddamned envelope up, light it on fire, then feed it through a paper shredder. Even if that means that we see something so shocking and appalling that even WE can't stand to bare witness to it. No matter how many times we've feverishly masturbated to it.
GEE, FATHER FINNERTY...YOU'RE THE SWELLEST PRIEST WHAT ANYONE EVER HAD
Anyways, you can always count on us to send your wife and children out
of the room crying, never to return. So without further adieu I would like to introduce you to www.oldonboy.com.
While this is a pay site, there is still plenty of FREE eye candy for even
the sickest of you perverts. Or I at least hope so. I really don't think
that some mild infatuation with younger men getting pounded by older men
would be a great way to be spending your hard earned cash. That's why god
invented hookers. But if you do, I would not be the the least bit surprised. Not at all.--HABIB HUSSEIN
LIKE FATHER, LIKE FELCHING SON
...AND FROM EARLIER THIS WEEK
THIS edition of SkullGame is now being brought to you by our proud sponsors at Nintendo, Huffy's Hydroponics, and Frito Lays. As always we ask that you patronize our sponsors because they sure as shit patronize us.
"HEY!!! HEY!!! PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT HAVE PURCHASED A $4000 ROAD BICYCLE AFTER ALL!!!"
CRAZY BITCH REFLECTS ON LIFE RIDDLED WITH CRAZY BITCHISMS IN SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE; REPENTS MOMENTARILY BEFORE RESUMING FAKING PREGNANCIES, HURLING ASHTRAYS ACROSS THE ROOM, AND MAKING COPIES OF OUR HOUSE KEYS WHILE WE ARE PASSED OUT ON HER XANAX.
AMY FISHER, FAMED LONG ISLAND LOLITA, RESPONDS TO JUDGE ROY BEAN’S CRAIGSLIST AD FOR FUCKING MOUTHS AND THEN SHUTTING THEM WITH THIS GLAMOUR SHOT FORESHADOWING ALL THAT SOON WILL BE—NAMELY, SOBBING THROUGH COURT PROCEEDINGS AND GETTING HER SNIZZ BUSTED OUT IN SOME MECHANICS GARAGE, BOTH BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, INDEFINITELY.
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame)—Between strategically placed crocodile tears, a nauseating amount of self-pity, and what sounded to be Tori Amos songs, JUDGE ROY BEAN caught up with an undisclosed crazy fucking bitch late Friday night via phone from her Scottsdale, AZ condominium, which may or may not be listed under the name Michelle Sharp, to discuss briefly what happens when you give a finger that’s attached to a whole hand. To a slut. A disturbed, crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat, going-through-your-cellphone, breaking-into-your-apartment, fucking slut.
“Do you remember the time we drove all the way down Highway 1 to LA and stopped to make love on the beach in the middle of the night, or the time we had the entire restaurant in Brown County shut down for us and the chef cooked us that awesome meal? Do you remember how much fun we used to have, baby?”
“Yeah, those were good times. You remember the first night we started to fall for each other, when you came to that show I was playing? I grabbed onto your arm, all sweaty and nasty, and told you that you were staying with me for the rest of the night because you were the only person in the entire place that smelled good?”
“Oh yeah. I remember you were so hot. I remember wearing the “pink thing” for you. That was always your favorite after that…”
“Yeah, that was a great night. I had been into you forever. I was so nervous…”
“Oh, I miss you so much. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been able to get you out of me…”
“Y’know, I think about you still to this day, at least once a day. It’s kinda scary. It’s been years, and the memories are still fresh…”
“I want to see you.”
“You should come up and visit me sometime, you’re not that far away.”
“I’d love to. Hey, you remember the time we went to “the store” and bought the butterfly, and then I wore it in public and gave you the controller and you kept turning it on everytime I was trying to have a conversation with somebody, hahahaha…”
“Yeah, you remember the time we got snowed in for 2 days and I got so sick and you took care of me. I couldn’t lay flat on my back without choking on my own snot and you just sat there rubbing my hands while we watched movies and I blabbed on and on about how much I wanted to die?”
“Awww. I didn’t even care if I got sick. You always took care of me, baby, it was the least I could do…”
“Yeah, or the time we went to Osco’s cause you had womanly issues and I told the lady behind the counter that we didn’t know if it was a biscuit or a baby, but we needed some serious help.”
“I was so pissed. That was embarrassing.”
“Yeah, it was. You remember the time you were cheating on me with your ex boyfriend and he and I got into that huge fight outside of your apartment and I pulled his shunt halfway out and you were screaming ‘stop it, stop it’?”
“…”
“…or those times you used to break into my apartment while I was asleep and use your sexuality as a weapon. I guess when all you have is a hammer, all your problems start to look like nails.”
“…*sob*…”
“…or what about that time I told you were getting fat and you told me I was going to hell…”
“ *click* ”
“Hello…”
“*silence*”
“Are you still going to come visit me?”
OJ SIMPSON SEX VID...MURDEROUSLY SEEEXXXYYY!!!
WHAT'S BLACK, WHITE, AND RED ALL OVER? RON GOLDMAN STABBED 13 TIMES, THAT'S WHAT!!! SEXY SEXY SEXY.
FLORIDA (SkullGame) -- OJ SIMPSON is at the center of a new sex tape controversy following claims from a porn promoter that he caught the former football star in a threesome.
David Hans Schmidt is selling the footage he states features Simpson on the Internet, but Simpson insists the guy in the video isn't a murderer, nor is the guy in the video him.
While Simpson's lawyer Yale Gallanter confirms Simpson was with ex-girlfriend Christie Prody and Playboy model Patty Kuprys on the night the video was shot in March 2001, he insists the tape is fake. Because Simpson was out that night, looking for his wife's killers.
The attorney says, "This tape is garbage and we can prove it. OJ wouldn't do anything like this."
NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON, PICTURED ABOVE, AS SHE APPEARED AT THE END OF AN ALTOGETHER ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THREESOME VIDEO.
But Schmidt, the man behind COLIN FARRELL's recent sex tape controversy, insists, "OJ is welcome to say that's not him on the tape ... like he's welcome to say that he didn't knife fuck his ex-wife and her boyfriend, or that Barretta didn't shoot that trailer trash ex-wife of his in the head, or that President Bush was running down gooks with an M-16 outside of Saigon in 1972, but there's no question in my mind that the real OJ is having sexy sex sex on this tape. While, it should be noted, he searches for his wife's killers."
AND REMEMBER: AT SKULLGAME WE LOVE RACE MIXING!!!!!!!!
"MMMMMMM....MMM...GOOD......WHITE WOMEN!!!!"
