SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU
YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.
DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I love LINDSAY LOHAN! Way to go with that letter. If we're lucky one of her "people" will get wind of it and maybe talk her into making a movie, you know, an adult movie.--Lindsay Lohan lover
WHAT AN INTERESTING, UM, SHIRT YOU HAVE ON THERE LINDSAY. CAN I TOUCH IT? THE FABRIC I MEAN.
DEAR FUTURE FELON: Listen pal, listen carefully and with something other than your soon-to-be cum-streaked ass: I'm forwarding your email, as well as your address, to the motherfucking FBI. LINDSAY LOHAN is 17, you fucking degenerate motherfucker you! And did you just use the word people in quotation marks? You some kind of Hollywood Producer? Using words like “people” means you should be able to use your Hollywood connections to "greenlight" this "proj" into "development." In very much the same way your ass will be developed into a landing pad for penitentiary cock. Fuck.
SKULLGAME EXPERTS PANEL SAYS: Who is this fiery "Guy Who Hates You?"
GARY BUSEY FALLS OFF WAGON; VISITS SKULLGAME OFFICE IN COKE-FUELED RAGE AND LEAVES JUDGE ROY BEAN WONDERING MANY THINGS OUTLOUD.
“... YOUR SHADOW, THE DARK SIDE. C.G. HUME WRITES ABOUT IT, IN TERMS OF THE FACT THAT EVERY ONE OF US HAS A DARK SIDE. AND MY DARK SIDE, MY SHADOW, MY LOWER COMPANION IS NOW IN THE BACK ROOM BLOWING UP BALLOONS FOR KIDS' PARTIES.”
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) — GARY BUSEY, B-grade acting sensation and world-renowned fucking psychopath, broke his vows of sobriety last weekend and visited the SkullGame office—wherein he proceeded to double-team our secretaries ALONE, spew inane acronym after inane acronym, and cut lines of our personal sense of safety and blow them off of trays fashioned from our dignity.
Entering the building strong armed and handing out copies of Jonathan Livingston Seagull in a most cavalier manner, Busey, 61 and full of “the holy spirit”, graced us with his presence in hopes of “persuading” us into adding a Christian slant to our publication—“loving women in the name of Baby Jesus” and “Settling disputes for the Lord above”—lest he lecture us relentlessly about the evils of bearing an uncanny resemblance to NICK NOLTE or riding our motorcycles on L.A. freeways after being on a week-long drug binge; which he did anyhow even after we tried to agree to his terms.
“Do you know what “Porn” stands for?”, Busey inquired while we all desperately hoped he was posing the question rhetorically. “Pushing Out Realized Negativity. When you internalize your own failures as human beings, real or imagined, relating either to your upbringing or your downfalling you construct a means of getting these bad feelings out. Some of us do a whole lot of cocaine and bounce our heads off of the pavement at 80 miles per hour and star in movies like POINT BREAK, and some of us, as you gentlemen put it, “grind loads into women’s foreheads” and make up stories about EVA LONGORIA's private parts. Do you know what “Eva” stands for? Excellent Vaginal Acquisition."
"THAT'S NOT A MOTORCYCLE, BABY. THEM'S CHOPPERS."
"Now if you hope to ever come to own this excellence then you have to have God Almighty on your side. Do you know what “God” stands for? Growing Over Definition. And with God there is only one ultimate possibility. See, before I had God in my life I used to think my garbage disposal was a spoon-washer; but after I found God I realized that, all those years, the garbage disposal was really just a spoon-ruiner. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? DON’T BE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!!”
When approached by our staff for some kind of explanation as to what the hell just happened, Jake Busey—Gary’s Son—offered up little help. “I don’t know what to tell you. He's a lot different than I am. He's always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets—and he’s always yelling when he does it. I can never understand what he's talking about.”
AND FROM earlier in the week........
KNOWN HETEROSEXUAL TOM CRUISE THREATENS LEGAL ACTION OVER HETERO PORN-A-LIKE...BECAUSE WE KNOW ALL "HETERO" MEN SUE HETERO PORN COMPANIES FOR MAKING HETERO PORN.
THE KATEE HOLMES NOT MARRIED TO KNOWN HETEROSEXUAL TOM CRUISE
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- KATIE HOLMES is threatening legal action after a teenage porn star changed her name to KATEE HOLMES, which is completely fucking different -- and plans to lose her virginity on-screen. Something the real Mrs. Cruise is waiting for. On screen. OR off.
The actress is upset by reports the 18-year-old Texan is now going by an almost identical name. And is actually going to have heterosexual contact with a male that doesn't involve her being called "BOB" and having to lie on her stomach.
A spokesperson for the original Holmes says, "It's a really cheap shot. Obviously Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it. Like if she wanted to go to Mykonos to protest? Or Key West? Or Fire Island? Oh yeah. He'd be ALLLLLLL over that."
TOM CRUISE WITH HIS WIFE ON THE....ER....RIGHT! WHEWWWW.....
SKULLGAME GOES BAD, INTERNATIONAL-WIDE WITH WORLD-SPANNING TOUR THIS WEDS, ENDING END OF JUNE & SLUTS, STARTING NOW. SPECIFICALLY: PAMELA "2 TITS" ANDERSON, JESSICA "SEMEN" SIMPSON DEBUTS "NEW LOOK" & ANNA NICOLE SMITH DIARY DETAILS DONUTS, DICKS
IT'S a tradition at SkullGame that all new employees to show that they've got the moxie that makes a SkullGame motherfucker a SkullGame motherFUCKER must wrestle a dog. Specifically HORNY, our neighbor's faggy golden retriever whose sole retrieval duties seem to amount to our newspapers and empty beer cans. So forthwith we welcome SCOTTY B.
C'MON SCOTTY!!! BEST 2 FALLS OUT OF 3...
PAMELA ANDERSON...BLAH-BLAH-BLAH...FRANCE...BIG TITTIES!!!
CHECK OUT DUDE. QUICK, MY MAN, WHAT COLOR IS HER FUCKING HAIR?
FRANCE (SkullGame) -- Photographers at the Cannes Film Festival booed PAMELA ANDERSON LEE KNOBS, both of her, after she showed up late for a pontoon photo session Friday and only stuck around to pose for a few minutes per tit.
Anderson was in town to promote her new movie named after her affectionate nickname for her dig dugs, "BLONDE AND BLONDER." Earlier in the day, she had complained to AP Television News about the paparazzi, saying that Cannes was "a frenzy, it's crazy, it's silly. It makes my boobies, all both of them, confused. Even watching it on television this morning, seeing these people, it's like the actors are prodded through like cattle, `turn this way, turn that way,'" she said, adding confusedly, that Cannes was nonetheless "quite glamorous a place for headlights."
The 39-year-old former "Baywatch" star had said previously that she would not attend Cannes, where her movie is screening on the sidelines of the official lineup, but later changed her mind. A small job by any measure.
"My kids, both the left one and the right one, come first even in my schedule," said Anderson, who has two young sons with former alleged homosexual and husband TOMMY LEE. "When I schedule anything that I do, it's around their baseball games or their soccer matches or their ... everything. Yes, my ta-tas even play tennis."
In "Blonde and Blonder," Anderson co-stars with DENISE RICHARDS' boobies in what is being promoted as "Dumb & Dumber" meets "Legally Blonde." For tits.
JOHN MAYER DUMPS, RUNS; JESSICA SIMPSON ALL TOO USED TO IT.
WHAT BECOMES A CRAZY BOOB QUEEN MOST? OUTSIDE OF LOADS? HOW ABOUT JAPANESE KABUKI MAKEUP!?!
FRANCE, AGAIN (SkullGame) -- "Pop" "star" JESSICA SIMPSON has shocked "fans" by confirming her "romance" with rocker John Mayer is over.
After Simpson attended the Cannes Film Festival solo earlier this week outside of some poorly smeared pancake make up and a visibly showing tampon, rumors were rife that the couple's nine-month "romance" had "cooled."
And now news show "Extra" is reporting the split is official.
Simpson, 26 and not getting any younger, and Mayer, 29, spent months refusing to talk about romance rumors but confirmed they were an item during a romantic March break in Rome, Italy, where they kissed and held hands and Mayer dropped as many loads as he could on her as fast as he could before she could start talking about socks again.
IT’S MARS BARS AND MEMOIRS; MARGARITAS, MOO-MOOS AND METHADONE WHEN ANNA NICOLE’S COLORING BOOKS UNEARTHED IN POST-MORTEM PROFFERING PARTY—A JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORT
“I’M A VERY STUPID PERSON,” BEGINS ONE SLOPPILY CRAWLED ENTRY IN THE SINCE-DECEASED SUPERSTAR AND STRUMPET’S RECENTLY UNVEILED PRIVATE JOURNAL. “SO STUPID IT TAKES ME 2 HOURS TO WATCH 60 MINUTES. SO STUPID I COULD TRIP OVER A CELLULAR PHONE. SO STUPID I CAN BARELY READ A PICTURE. AND FAT. BUT MOSTLY STUPID. RELATIVELY SPEAKING, TO MY FAT, THAT IS.”
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame)-- "Don't Read!! Personall," reads the inside cover of ANNA NICOLE SMITH's personal diary--documents newly made accessible to the media; documents detailed with lurid accounts of sex lives and fist fights; documents barely colored within the guiding lines.
The prying eyes of the public were made privy to the former Playmate’s intimate secrets after a private auction last Tuesday—accounts rumored until then fully hidden to the world save Vice President emeritus Dan Quayle when allegedly hired as her on-staff copy editor after the death of billionaire oil mogul J. Howard Marshall; accounts describing a life of rough sex, weight struggles, tumultuous relationships, and plastic surgery; accounts outfitted with numerous Colorforms unicorns in various states of grazing and flight and bound in a non-descript cover complete with collaged images of hams and random shiny objects.
Writing of an ex-lover’s carousing and drunken, violent tendencies, the recently departed Smith struggles with both personal issues and the tenets of basic grammar in excerpts released exclusively to the Associated Press.
"We discussed it and he said he wouldn't come home drunk as much anymore,” Smith wrote in the diaries, which span about a year from early 1991 to 1992. “He said it just wasn’t worth it. Because even though ugly goes away in the dark room of a liquored-up mind, fat takes stronger drugs.”
“And then he sobbed a little and asked me when I was going to die already,” the segment ended, punctuated by an onomatopoeic utterance sources close to Smith ubiquitously agree was similar to the sound the ex-model used to make when gaining weight.
Spiraling further downward into dysfunction, the individual in question, Smith wrote, "came unglued” when she “asked a guy for his number” weeks later. “[He] threw me out of his house,” the journal continues, “and he broke up with me it was awlful he hit me and my mother for having me when there were clearly other options."
Born Vickie Lynn Smith, the actress, oftentimes likened to Marilyn Monroe in her younger, thinner, slightly less high years and Delta Burke in the months leading up to her passing, was found dead on February 8 in Hollywood, FL at the age of 39 of a prescription drug overdose.
While the rumors of possible suicide that abounded in the weeks following Smith’s departure due to the loss of her son in a drug-related “accident” in late 2006 appear to have been dispelled by autopsy reports and the post-mortem accounts of loved ones, Smith’s diaries speak of a deeply troubled, and seriously fucking fat, has-been struggling with troubles and fat the only way she knew how: mimosas, meatloaf, and methamphetamine.
"I'm a very sad person," one entry begins, illustrated by a weeping face next to an empty refrigerator. Smith goes on to write that "my mom hates me so much. She is so jealous of me. ... I love my mom but I cant handle it anymore."
“All the money. Somebody save me from all the money.”
