WHEN it's FRIDAY...and already you've been arrested for public indecency, vagrancy, false information to a police officer, drunk in public, false impersonation and having your balls on display, you KNOW that you're, that is, ENGLISH BOB'S, weekend will be made for MICHELOB. The one beer to have when you're having more than 20. Or so. More or less. We mean if you had a big lunch or something.
IT'S 10 A.M. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR GIRL IS?
A DISCONSOLATE JAMES BROWN MOURNS DENNIS RODMAN'S SLAVISH IMITATION OF RIP TORN IN BULL RUNNING MILDLY WILD
"HEYYYY...FUCK IT....THEY CAN'T ALL BE MADONNA...."
COLORADO (SkullGame) -- In the newest crop of reality showstoppers, basketball's "bad" "boy" DENNIS RODMAN in the Cannonballesque BullRun race was pulled over twice by Colorado police on Tuesday for speeding in his gold and black Lamborghini. He was also involved in a minor fender bender when a Ford Mustang carrying people taking pictures and video of Rodman for his sponsor crashed into his bumper and driver's side door. There were no injuries.
But Rodman's run of bad luck didn't end there.
According to local news accounts, after stopping to fill up at a gas station at Glenwood Springs, Colorado, Rodman reportedly tried on a cowboy hat offered him by the clerk, told her he liked it, then left after putting $20 on the counter for gas. But apparently Rodman was in such a hurry that (a) he shortchanged the clerk on the bill and (b) he walked off with her cowboy hat.
"Unfortunately, $40 worth of gas was put in the car, and there was the cost of the hat to consider," Glenwood Springs Police Chief, Terry Wilson, told the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. "There was also the gang shag of Ms. Ida Korn's Bridge Club, the makeshift bathroom meth lab, the stabbing of the gas station's dog, solicitation, under the influence of the products of the makeshift bathroom meth lab, and the whole urine in the hot dog urn thing."
Rodman's rep was unavailable for comment Thursday, but he was quoted by the Post as saying the whole thing was a "misunderstanding."
"The lady gave [the ass] to me," Rodman said, noting that he also had the gas receipt. "If they want me to pay for the ass, I'll give them double for it."
LT. TODD ATKINS: HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN
CONSIDER: A PLUNGER.
I think over the years with the feminist movement, women conned a lot of men into thinking they like sensitive "nice guys". In my experience that is not the case. Women like a real man who takes control of his environment.
I think the whole thing about women wanting sensitive men was all a big con job about money. They fool the "sensitive" man into being with 1 women and then they loot all of his money. Meanwhile on the side they are having sex wtih alpha males like me.
The Alan-Alda types will never realize that women don't really go for them. They really go for guys like me - cocky, muscular, able to win fights, gets lots of chicks. The nice guy is there mainly for his pocketbook. How many times have I seen it? A guy gets sucked in a little at a time and then ends up supporting a bitch. Sometimes these suckers will even be feeding 2 or 3 of her kids. And you know what? On the side she's having sex with me. Who gives her nothing.
The feminists (dykes) of the women's movement talk about how women want a man who respects them as equals. The real women want real men. They understand a real man will have women on the side even if he takes on a girlfriend. Sometimes I will take on a girl who gets that favored status, but she understands she won't hold me down to monogamy. I will have side action, but she will see no one else because she's my lady.
The sensitive males don't understand this because they think it's a double standard. They don't understand that a woman will seek this prowess in a man. In other words I will fulfill my needs on the side even though you're my lady. You on the other hand will see no one else because you belong to me. You are my property now and no one else goes near my pussy. Women respect these are the rules when they are with a powerful man.
What about when they get out of line you are asking? The nice guy does nothing. "I'm really disappointed", he will say when she fucks another guy. "I don't know where this leaves us. Since your 2 kids need me to pay the rent, I guess I will stay until we figure things out." On the rare instance that this happens to an alpha male like me, we will say, "You're out bitch. You just lost your favored nation status." Then we smack her around thoroughly and go hook up with another girl.
ANOTHER MAN: MISUNDERSTOOD?
This leads me to another myth - that you shouldn't hit girls. Again this is another myth that feminists started. Back before the 60's, no one questioned a man's right to discipline his woman. It was the same with your kids, your dog, whatever. If they got out of line they got smacked. Their solution was to stay in line. You saw what happened when parents stopped spanking their kids. The kids lost respect and did whatever they wanted.
It's the same thing with chicks. If she disrespects you and she doesn't get smacked, disrespect becomes a habit. I like it when I'm with a wise-ass chick that's never been smacked before. The first time she runs her mouth - bada bing! I slap her across the face. If she fights back I restrain her by her wrists and put her on her knees. She knows that now she is with a real man and she is turned on by it.
One time I was with my girlfriend at a party and she contradicted me in front of my friends and started making fun of me. She knew I was mad on the drive home because she started talking all sweet to me. I didn't say anything on the way back. Then I got her inside my apartment and smacked her in the face. "Don't you ever disrespect me in front of my friends again," I said. She started crying and trying to explain. "Shut the fuck up," I said. "I'll deal with you later." Then I got a beer and went to watch tv. Later we made up, but she knew not to embarrass me in front of my friends again. I'm not talking about punching her out like some wife abuser. I'm talking about a hard slap that gets the message across. Don't be a "nice guy". Be a man and keep your respect.
OUR NEWEST ADDITION BUTCHER BOB TRIES TO INGRATIATE HIMSELF TO US IN NON-MOMOSEXUAL SHOWS OF SMOKE SCREENING GIRL HATE BEFORE REALIZING IT'S GAY AND HE MUST BE HAZED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN OUR LITTLE FUCKED UP & DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. NO MATTER WHAT.
A SOLEDAD SELF-PORTRAIT: A MAN & HIS MEAT
It had to happen, I saw NO way around it. Faced with the legendary exploits of Vinnie and Sal, and since I truly want no part of a bald-headed-bearded-lady single, double OR tripleteam, I realized I had to make my own way. That's when I realized I had found the one ( for that particular moment)...across the aisle from me at a Stevie Nicks concert.
Ok ok...calm the fuck down and listen to me. When you want to find cowboys, you go to a ranch. When you want to find clowns, you go to the circus. And when you want to find desperate, hungry 40-year old women just dying for ONE LAST CHANCE at finding their inner gypsy whore...why...the answer is clear. You go to a Stevie Nicks show. Yeah yeah yeah, laugh all you want, chuckleheads...but you'll learn. There is no shame in going hunting where you KNOW prey will be.
I had to decide on the proper technique. Balls out bluntness? No...she looked ready to bolt at the slightest threat. Suave, debonair with a hint of lechery? Right..who's got THAT kind of fucking time?? So I focused. Staring. Using the time-tested and motherfucker approved Vinnie Rose mind ray. She returned the gaze...holding it a bit too long for chance. I knew. I knew I had this pseudo-corseted doe-eyed trollop. Of course, the bit of man-flesh holding on to her returned my stare as well, but dropped it long before she did. I knew. He knew. He knew that I fucking knew. After seeing the mewling male masses here...I knew a tattooed behemoth would stand literally head and shoulders above the slime.
Being a forward-thinking motherfucker, I'd wisely scouted out the scene before. One thing you can always count on is that a stevie nicks show will ALWAYS have empty seats. And where there's empty seats..there's cordoned off sections...dark...private...and not terribly hard to slip by a mouth-breathing security guard.
I give her one last knowing look..and make my way up the stairs. Right on schedule..she parts the curtains and sees me..and i shoot her head-tip that so obviously screams " get your saggy ass over here". Of course, she complies. She's got just enough short dark hair for me to wrap my fist in as I pull her around the 'area closed' signs into a private nook. Not saying a word, hand still in her hair, watching her wide eyes go glassy...i lean back against the wall..and give her a friendly tug to "encourage" her to the proper position...on her knees.
Alright...the deal is, you're NOT going to get this from a freshly scrubbed coed. Well...you might, but then you might want to check for ringworm afterwards. The nice thing about bedpan hunting is that, like riding a bicycle, it ALL comes back to them. Sometimes, you have to give them a dickslap in the face, just to kickstart them. Ok, maybe you don't HAVE to, but I do, just to be safe. And demeaning. Safe and demeaning.
As the cock hit faceflesh, she was RIGHT back on that bicycle...a female version of Lance "No, I'm not happy to see you, my balls are swollen from chemotherapy" Armstrong. I felt like Geldof, feeding the poor in Africa. Both hands in her hair, dick buffeting the back of her throat..and she put up NO STRUGGLE. In my humble opinion, the most uselessly asked question is " Can I cum in your mouth?" Of COURSE you can, and you must. After that initial suprised cough and choke, and since I'm a gentleman, I kindly withdrew..and let the last of my tribute splash onto her face. After a quick final mouthswab to keep things clean, I threw down the patented " Smirk, Zip and Split".
You think this is easy? Fuck you..I challenge ANY and all to keep their mind on bidness as that aging fucking shew is warbling 'landslide' in the backround. You need STONES for that, m'boy.
