THIS special edition of SkullGame is brought to you by PLUNDERING JEW PASTRIES, a subdivision of SARA LEECH, and affiliated with NEGRO NACHOS, and CHINEE CHILE: Food stuffs that celebrate our differing heritages while underscoring their great contribution to THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ARYAN RACE!!! Oh, uh, and WHITE MAN WAKE UP. And shit.
...THE PASTRY TO HAVE WHEN YOU'RE HAVING MORE THAN 6.......MILLION.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE, SCREEN SLUT NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN TO GET KNOCKED UP OLD FASHIONED WAY: COCK, COKE, HASTILY RENDERED SERIES OF EXCUSES BASED ON CONDOM FAILURE
"SHH-LOOKS...YOUSH COME BACKS...WITH....ER...WHEW...BLOWJOBBING!!!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Actress" NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN has reportedly been taking "classes" to "enhance" her "fertility" at a "studio" owned by her Desperate Housewives co-star Brenda Strong. Strong, who provides the voice for the show's "dead" narrator Mary Alice Young, owns the yoga villa, called the Happy Hole in North Hollywood, Calif., and holds "special" classes called Yoga 4 Fertility.
Sheridan, who is "engaged" to "singer" and slightly non-homosexual Michael Bolton, has reportedly become a regular at the popular midnight yoga sessions.
A source tells SkullGame, "When Nicollette came out of the class, she was absolutely glowing. Staggering, glowing, making enfeebled passes at the Mexican bus boys, urinating against the side of the building and subsequently crying and mocking God. I'd have said she was drinking but she was gushing to a friend that she hopes the classes work. Right before she passed out on the woodpile at MARGOT KIDDER's house."
The 42-year-old actress doesn't have children, while Bolton has three grown daughters from his previous marriage. To a man.
NEIL YOUNG POLITICAL ONCE AGAIN AS JUDGE ROY BEAN & COUNTRY EXHALE COLLECTIVE SIGH & SWAP GLANCES OF AMBIVALENCE. VOWS TO IMPACT UPCOMING ELECTION IN THE SAME MANNER THAT HE INFLUENCED THE PREVIOUS 10: BY WEARING A COWBOY HAT OF QUESTIONABLE SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
NEIL YOUNG, PICTURED HERE MOMENTS AFTER EMERGING FROM THE EDDY ST. NEEDLE EXCHANGE, PROMISES TO CEASE THE NEO-HIPPIE BULLSHIT FOR A QUARTER. BAG, THAT IS. AND A RIDE. BUT MOSTLY A QUARTER BAG. “GOD BLESS YOU”, HE TELLS SKULLGAME REPORTERS. GOD BLESS YOU TOO, NEIL, YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) — Reeking of a mixture of his urine, somebody elses’, somebody elses’ that neither the aforementioned somebody else or Neil himself even know, and some animal or the other--and looking like an extra from the upcoming Brokeback Mountain on Ice debacle--iconic hippie rocker, probable derelict, and undisputed homosexual NEIL YOUNG took to the streets earlier this week to sign autographs in Don Imus’ stead and unleash yet another effete collection of tunes that, his publicist assures us, “wouldn’t be worth a fuck even if David Crosby was still higher than 10 Indians, shooting heroin next to the tape machine and goading Neil on with allegations of bestiality.”
The cache of pointless meanderings, which Neil somehow found time to pen in spite of a schedule full of tax evasion, hiding weed from Willie Nelson, procuring left over articles of clothing from a previous Crocodile Dundee movie set, and taking in all the injustices of the world and then writing platinum selling singles about them, is rumored to contain such poignant anthems such as “Let’s Impeach the President”, “Living With War”, and…well…that’s really quite enough now, isn’t it?
The 10 track album, which Neil spent an estimated three whole days producing, the most time Neil has spent doing anything since Pearl Jam latched onto his ankles and began fetishizing poverty in fresher ways, was reportedly recorded with not only a trumpet player but a 100 person choir, proof positive that the Canadian-born moose jockey was “just about as lit as he’s ever been.”
Reprise Records spokesman, one Bill Bentley, told SkullGame that the album came as a “total surprise”, ensuring us that the label neither solicited, nor really wanted, “that piece of feces”. “But”, Bentley concluded, “that’s the beauty of Neil Young. He gets all high and shit and then comes and asks you to spare some change.
Bentley then quickly added, “ I sincerely hope he gets cancer of the pecker. And soon.”
PRISONER OF X: 20 YEARS IN THE HOLE AT HUSTLER MAGAZINE: A HARDCORE TELL-ALL FOR FANS OF SEX, DOPE AND CELEBRITY MONEY-SHOTS WITH MR. SCOOT CHARLES!!!
ALLAN MACDONELL WITH A PAPER PROCLAIMING ALL OF WHAT HE WILL NEVER HAVE.
Porn Valley wishes it could breathe a sigh of relief.
For the past four months, several of the smut world’s most powerful kingpins have been in a desperate scramble to obtain advance copies of Prisoner of X: 20 Years in the Hole at Hustler Magazine, the explosive new behind-the-sleaze memoir by SkullGame writer ALLAN MACDONELL. Rumors and innuendo floated up from sex-flick sets to cum-mogul boardrooms: MacDonell, the longtime overlord of publishing pariah Larry Flynt’s illicit empire, was said to be spilling taboo scum in his anxiously anticipated book, and naming unutterable names. One pointedly interested XXX godfather is said to have offered up to $10,000.00 for a preview of the Prisoner of X manuscript – on condition that he receive it early enough to have his lawyers rub out any damaging passages.
Spiting all efforts to stifle it, Prisoner of X: 20 Years in the Hole at Hustler Magazine has reached the market intact. Big shots and little wads alike can order the unexpurgated Prisoner of X online for less than $20 bucks. Such easy access to what X-film expert Luke Ford deems “the first must-read book on porn” has further stoked the apprehensions of nervous triple-X tycoons.
Buy It NOW!
For an industry that prides itself on baring every moist crevice and murky libidinal recess of human sexuality, the movers and shakers who make and sell fuck films form a closed and secret society. Author MacDonell gained unparalleled access into this netherworld of pink-marketeers during his stint as scum-king Larry Flynt’s editorial right-hand man. The “Prisoner” became the intimate of gang-bang starlets, the confidante of hardcore studs, and the co-conspirator of auteur thugs. No non-disclosure agreements were ever signed among these illicit entrepreneurs, and now a treasure trove of private scandal and sin is available for an avid public’s delighted consumption.
MacDonell’s immersion within the commerce of pleasure and perversity rocketed him to the heights of sunny sensuality and plunged him to the depths of depravity. His book depicts the typical Hustler workday as like clocking in on a carnal rollercoaster, an up-and-down orgy of heaving pussies, plunging pricks and surging profits. By turns hilarious, hot and harrowing, Prisoner of X takes the curious porn fan along on the porno-funhouse ride of a lifetime.
Don’t miss out on this opportunity to cross over into the life orgasmic. Visit Amazon now. You will never look at a double penetration again without feeling like part of the action.
SKULL GAME caught up with the world’s most revelatory sex scribe as he took a break from target practice at an indoor gun range in downtown Los Angeles. MacDonell is tall, slim and sardonic. He has the knowing eyes, measured speech and sideways grin of a successful Mob lawyer.
SKULLGAME: Are you afraid of repercussions coming from any of the porn people who appear in Prisoner of X?
MACDONELL: Maybe I should be, but my motives for writing the book were not mean-spirited or vicious. Most of the stories are meant to be entertaining and funny, often with the joke at my expense; so if anyone should be offended by my candor, it should be me. Back in the late’80s and early’90s, when I was reviewing 30 or more porn tapes a month [under the name Christian Shapiro], a lot of performers were offended by what was seen as harsh sarcasm in some of my descriptions. No one ever ordered a hit on me back then, and I hope my luck holds out now.
SKULLGAME: Did seeing all that porn leave you twisted? Embittered. Possibly fucking GAY, even?
MACDONELL: Fuck yes. On all bu the gay part. And I would not have me any other way.
SKULLGAME: Did you have any favorite performers?
MACDONELL: You bet I did. Almost all of them were women, by the way, but that’s just me. When I began reviewing porn, the switch was being made from film to video; so naturally I was completely won over by the top vixens of that time: GINGER LYNN, CHRISTY CANYON and TRACI LORDS. Traci Lords was amazing, a sexual prodigy. Possession of her best work is, of course, a felony now. Thank God they can’t throw me in jail for my memories.
SKULLGAME: At least not yet. Were there any porn starlets who you didn’t get to meet that you wish you would have?
MACDONELL: The great injustice of porn is that so many of the best smut girls appear in only a relatively few scenes, and then go about their private lives without ever again stripping down and performing fellatio on camera. My favorite early retiree was a golden-skinned Hispanic with pneumatic natural breasts and a creamy, buoyant ass. Her screen name was Vanessa Del Oro. She starred with Buck Adams in a Rocky knockoff. Buck tongue-fucked her while holding her upside down, and her God-given tits still stuck straight out into the air. She was a truly beautiful girl. The rumor was that her boyfriend played on the Los Angeles Dodgers, and he persuaded her to sacrifice her career for his. I wish I could have met Vanessa Del Oro – right after I’d hit a grand slam and won the World Series.
SKULLGAME: Celebrity sex tapes. Did you ever see a famous person doing anything too hot or vile to go into your book?
MACDONELL: Prisoner of X serves up a healthy excess of renowned perversions. The book details what were presented to me as a tape of rock pioneer CHUCK BERRY nibbling butt nuggets straight out of the dispenser, and another video marketed as CNN visionary TED TURNER spitted on the business end of Academy Award-winning JANE FONDA'S strap-on dildo, while Ted pumped into a different girl. I believe these scenes were authentic, and the book details why. A surplus of celebrity sightings were cut from the initial manuscript because the bulk became repetitious.
SKULLGAME: Who was cut out? Doing what?
MACDONELL: Someone brought in Polaroid photos of what was purported to be the widow COURTNEY LOVE giving dope-fueled head to rehab recidivist Scott Weiland. This was right around when Larry’s movie was coming out, with Courtney playing Larry’s wife. According to Larry, the movie studio pressured him not to print those shots, which went a long way toward establishing their authenticity.
SKULLGAME: That’s it? Courtney Love "acting" like a stoned whore?
MACDONELL: Well, some time after 9-11, as if that hadn’t been unsettling enough, Time or Newsweek reported that a tape of MICK JAGGER putting the screws to a semi-pro moll was being shopped to sleazy media outlets. Entrepreneurs approached us with stills that were supposedly from that tape, offered as showing Jagger with his legs up like a grasshopper, huffing and puffing on top of a stripper-type broad who appeared to be approaching the end of her run. Jagger – I think it was really him – displayed all the dignity and pleasure of an old basset hound with its balls caught in a gutter grate. The girl was a bit of a mutt. I remember picturing half a dozen better-looking girls that I had deliberately not had sex with. I still wonder: When I was a kid, if I’d known that the lead singer of the Rolling Stones would one day be revealed to me as a pathetic muck who would stoop to picking up my discards, had they been available to him, would that have made the intervening years any easier on young me?
SKULLGAME: Does it bother you that so many people compare your writing style to Hunter S. Thompson’s and Charles Bukowski’s, or to a heterosexual David Sedaris?
MACDONELL: I don’t mind that. What I really like is when they say my Prisoner of X life reads like Harry Potter splitting a couple of eight balls with three chicks from the cast of Laguna Beach.
