Start this New Year’s eve off right with PARIS HILTON porn, a handful of roofies and an ITALIAN SAL Sicilian hangover remedy to end all remedies.
ITALIAN SAL’S SICILIAN HANGOVER REMEDY
Ingredients:
1) Slim Jims
2) Prosciutto.
Lots and lots of it.
So, not only is my remedy delicious, but it’s also goddamned nutritious. And remember nothing says nutritious like food you can eat at a gas station.
COURTNEY LOVE LUBED AGAIN, OFFICIALS SAY
MISINGTIME!! VERSHOPRE, PRE STEAM!!! STEAM!!! SUCKY SUCK!
MALIBU (SkullGame) -- Rocker and multimillion dollar murderess (allegedly) Courtney Love startled the shit out of fellow patients at her WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR GODDAMNED PROBLEM? WILLOWS Rehab Center over Christmas by walking around naked and thusly subjecting trauma section patients to the far greater trauma of having to view, for an extended period, her overgrown thatch of a snatch, her surgically and slapdashedly strung knobs of despair, and her aggressively flapping piehole.
The former Hole singer, 39, is currently residing at the Malibu, Calif., clinic in an attempt to fight her addiction to alcohol and painkillers, also known as hooch and goofballs, developed when the larger sorrow of being a talentless, million-dollar turd with legs started to interfere with her ability to count above two million while laughing it up with SATAN.
Courtney left her room to have her hair and make-up done for a SKULLGAME photo shoot, and proceeded to strut around in her birthday suit for three hours.
A clinic insider says, "She was totally naked and acting totally off the wall. Nobody knew where to look and she wasn't making a whole lot of sense. In other words: business as usual."
Courtney has been staying at the center since November 21, following reports she overdosed in October.
Courtney has defended her bizarre behavior of recent months, saying, "I'm not on some downward spiral. I'm not on narcotics. I'm fine. I’M JUST HIGH ON GODDAMNED LIFE!!! And I just want my daughter, um, SAMANTHA back."
Editor’s Note: Courtney Love’s daughter’s name is Frances.
HABIB ASKS: IS KELLY OSBOURNE STILL TRIPPING OFF OF THAT FAG FROM THE USED?
In news that is the functional equivalent of a polo mallet, spoiled fat cunt KELLY OSBOURNE is still pissed off that midget rock star BERT McCRACKIN (the)USED her to kickstart his rock n roll career. In a recent interview Kelly revealed that in addition to being stupid, she is also terribly, terribly. TERRIBLY deluded about the nature and significance of her appeal when she said "I'm torn between two feelings with him, whether he genuinely liked me for me but just couldn't handle it or he dated me because he wanted to become more famous."
"MOMMY LOOK!!! A FAT, RICH CUNT!!!" "I KNOW, I KNOW DEAR. JUST KEEP WALKING."
Well what the fuck else would it be Kelly? Do you honestly think he dated you because of your looks? Or how about that pleasant personality of yours that you stole from your Wicked Witch of the West mother?
At any rate, how would McCrackin's actions differ in any way, shape, or form from Kelly's use of her father, OZZY OSBOURNE’s reputation to become the most annoying talent-challenged zero EVER. And if my sources serve me correctly Kelly better watch out for it to happen again, and again and again, since it has been rumored that she is dating one of those goofy tattooed retards in Ataris Charolette 182.
Jesus fucking Christ.—HABIB HUSSEIN
VIGGO MORTENSEN STILL PINING FOR PALTROW, SUBSEQUENTLY DECLARED TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, CLINICALLY BATSHIT
VIGGO MORTENSEN, an actor we used to like until this shit popped up, purportedly is still pining for his former co-skank and alleged ex-lover GWYNETH PALTROW.
THIS? THIS? NO, NO, NO SERIOUSLY: THIS?!?!?!
The "Lord of the Rings" star played opposite Paltrow in 1998's "A Perfect Murder," and according to sources quoted in the British press, the pair began a relationship the following year as Mortensen's marriage to punk singer EXENE CERVENKA broke up.
Hollywood insiders claim the pair's close relationship on set -- with Viggo spending hours painting portraits of Paltrow!!!!! -- contributed to the break-up of her relationship with BEN AFFLECK.
WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?! JESUS-A-FUCKING CHRIST….WAIT WAIT IT GETS BETTER. ESPECIALLY IF BY BETTER YOU MEAN WORSE.
However, while Paltrow has gone on to find love with Coldplay rocker Chris Martin, who she married this month after announcing they were expecting their first child, Mortenesen is still struggling to move on in his love life.
STRUGGLE A LITTLE HARDER MY FRIEND
One friend says "No relationship will work for Viggo while he's still obsessed with Gwyneth."
SKULLGAME TO MORTENSEN: Please report to our offices for your free, complimentary, short and shocking Brooklyn Beat Down. Free while supplies last.
