BUT FIRST: Muy Bueno congratulations to our Mexican brother, SkullGame sponsored fighter and best motherfucking ass kicker we know GIL MELENDEZ for letting the nation-state of Japan feel some good ol' American wrath the likes of which they have not tasted since WWfucking2.
GOT-DAMN!!!! NOW CAN WE FUCK YO' WOMEN!!??!! I THOUGHT SO.
"MY NAME IS PARIS HILTON. AND I'M A COCKAHOLIC."
HIIIII PARIS......
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Sucktress and Socialite PARIS HILTON and her friends have come up with secret signals to help each other escape when they're trapped talking to less-than-desirable people whose cocks they have no intention of sucking in order that they seek out and suck cocks belonging to people whose cocks they have every intention of sucking.
The "party" girl says, "My friends and I have code words and phrases that we use when we need help. If I say to them, 'Tiffany is crying!' then they know to jump in. Or 'Tongue sausage sandwich.' Or 'His cock looks like it smells like pee. Yet his [pointing across room toward Armenian bar back], does not.' That's one we use a lot. And then we run."
Hilton admits she doesn't always get to talk to the most desirable penises at parties she attends. She adds, "They're usually older guy's penises, who try to talk to you, or women who look like they've had a lot of plastic surgery. And have penises. They are to be avoided at all costs. Just as soon as you slap them from your mouth."
"WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE STOP MAKING FUNNY OF ME?!?!?!!?"
No.
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, NATHAN PETITE & MAN LOVE OF THE MOST INTRUSIVE NATURE. A PROFILE. BY ITALIAN SAL
PSYCHOSOCIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, HIS RELATIONSHIP TO THE TREE SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT HIS PENCHANT FOR PENIS.
IDAHO (SkullGame) -- Self-described lover of all things of, and relating to, man ass Nathan Petite of Priest River, Idaho has rightly decided to come out of the proverbial closet. Under threat of being exposed by knower of all things gay, RAVEN SMITH, Mr. Petite decided to come clean with his love of hairy butch anus and let the world know “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it!”
Guess what Nathan: we knew, we were and we don’t care.
When reached for comment Nathan went on to say “Thank goodness for Raven Smith, now I can get down to the business of finding dudes to fill my ass up to the brim with rigid meat.”
To which we at SkullGame respond, “good luck with all that.”
If you’re interested in boning Nathan in his rapidly expanding poop chute please feel free to contact him on MYSPACE.
IF YOU CAN DEAL WITH THE SAD TALE OF BRETT GUREWITZ, ROCK STAR SINGER OF BAD RELIGION, A YOUNGISH, SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT FAN OF HIS FUCKING SHIT SONGS, AND HIS GRIME-ENCRUSTED COCK ANGRILY FUCKING HIS PALSIED FIST...WELL THEN READ ON....FOR EVERYONE ELSE SKIP TO THE END FOR MORE PICTURES OF HO'S WE BANGED AT AVN.
There is sadly no way to tell this story but to let it be told. Truthfully. And by the tearful, fat broad in question.
From someone's live journal somewhere:
"Okay so here's my story. I ordered Greg Graffin's dissertation from the Bad Religion website because I wanted to get a signed copy for Paul, who's into the subject matter of the paper. I recieved a reciept from a yahoo e-mail address, which I thought was slightly weird due to the fact that it's a yahoo address. Anyway, it was legit because it had all my information which I had put into Paypal for shipping, so I know no one's fucking with me. Amused, I added his name to my yahoo messenger list on the off chance I might see him online and giggle about it.
So last night he's online and his webcam is running.
"HI. I'M NOT A MIDDLE AGED LOSER. I JUST PLAY ONE ON WEB CAM."
I and Paul thoroughly freak out and are like "we're not worthy" about 8000 times before I finally got up the guts to talk to him. The first time, he ignored me because I told him my name and he thought I was a guy, but the second time he asked me to turn on my cam. I had to fish it out because I put it away since I don't use it often. He turns his cam on and... it's unmistakeable. That's FUCKING GREG GRAFFIN!
IT CERTAINLY IS. AND THIS CAN'T BE GETTING ANY BETTER.
He starts to talk to me about how he always had a thing for Wisconsin girls, and then asks me to take off clothes, which I do rather reluctantly since Paul's right there (I told GOD HIMSELF that Paul wasn't home, haah) but Paul's standing there, going, "DO IT FOR TICKETS!" and I'm like, "ooh, tickets." He's like, "Are you alone?" and I lied and said yes, though Paul was next to me hyperventilating because this man is his hero.
So while Greg Graffin is complimenting me on my womanly figure (this just in: Greg Graffin likes fat chicks. Film at 11) he randomly stands up and is jerking off--no joke, there are pictures. I'm just minorly--uh, majorly--enjoying it because I've had a crush on this guy since summer of 2004 and here he is, huge star, with "just [me] on his screen" and his asking about my masturbation habits. Can we say what the fuck?
YES THE FUCK WE CAN. THAT AND: "EXCUSE ME. DO YOU HAVE A CUP FOR THE VOMIT THAT'S IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW."
I couldn't really get horny at this point because I was just too jittery to do anything, but he and I ended up "cumming together" apparently and he sat down and chatted with me a few minutes longer before going to bed. He told me to see some movie he saw, told me to chat him up anytime he's online, and bid me goodbye.
Paul and I kind of sat there and were like, okay. This really humanizes a person. Somehow, now, after hearing all those insightful, meaningful songs, here we have a regular guy who jerks off on webcam like everyone else. I asked him about his star "track record" because I'm curious, and he said he has lots of experience but he treats every woman well, and proceeded to tell me about how he likes eating pussy. Greg Graffin--Bad Religion!--punk legend!!--likes to eat pussy. Somehow, I feel humbled and happy about this. Paul said this: "My hero jerked off to my girlfriend, but he can't have her--only I CAN!" (He was so proud, haha.)
The most bizarro thing here is that we just saw Bad Religion play about a month ago and Paul and I kept going, we're going to steal Greg Graffin and do things to him. We were sooo hoping he would come into the strip club, but alas, he did not.
Anyway. I have a chat log, several screen caps (what, you think I'd let this go undocumented? Would you have believed me!?) and an e-mail from said address from a while back.
I dropped him an e-mail this morning to say thanks and maybe some other time. Hopefully he returns it. I'd like to chat him up again and maybe see if I can finagle an autograph (well, another one) sometime."
THIS WAS A DRUNKEN WHORE WHO WE COULDN'T GET TO LEAVE EVEN AFTER THE OBLIGATORY LOAD-ON-THE-LIPS TRICK. SHE LIKED COLD PLAY. AND BEING DRUNK. AND WHILST WE WERE GLAD TO SEE HER GO, WE WERE EVEN MORE GLAD TO HAVE HAD THIS PHOTO TO WASH AWAY THE STAINING MEMORY OF BAD MUSIC MAKING GREG GRAFFIN FINAGLING HIS BANANA FOR THE MASSES. THANK YOU, ADELE.
DRINKS FOR ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
