NEW SKULLGAME, LIKE FRESHLY SHAVED BALLS, BACK IN POCKET ON JANUARY 4TH, 2006. STAY FUCKING TUNED "YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKERS,"SAYS CORNHOLIO FRESH OUTTA THE PEN.
But first a few kind words from our proud sponsors at Slap-A-Ho-tels where "convenience is no excuse": Mention SkullGame next time you check into anyone of our many locations and "we'll make the sluts wrestle... just for YOU!"
YOU BITCH! YOU STOLE THE COCK THAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE. NOW YOU WILL DISCOVER LESBIANISM...THE HARD WAY.
SKULLGAME YEAR-END ROUND-UP A VERITABLE CAVALCADE OF VITRIOL
It's that time of year again. When a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of the year that was, as well as the upcoming year that will be. Forthwith various members of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME take a stroll on the pensive side and in full consideration of life's great and sublime values: love, tenderness and concern for those less fortunate than ourselves.
CORNHOLIO: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?
"2004 saw me starting the year in financial straits that could only be called desperate. I had four girls, all alcoholics, working this pad I have downtown and kicking out $100k in wrinkled 20s and 10s. Well by way of the artful wielding of a series of car antennas I grew my business to 12 ho's, all alcoholics, making me a cool $300k this past year, in stained $100s. I can only hope that God, and my PONTIAC SR2435, will similiarly bless me in 2005."
NICKY BALLS TO THE WALL
"What would I like to see most in 2005? Either the prophecies to finally start coming true and show some of the real serious shit it has threatened to finally bring on down us, or merely that some sort of logic enter the minds of the American people. Oh yeah: more hardcore lesbian sex among 18-23 year olds. Lesbians or not."
YOZA, BABY
"What I'd like to see in 2005 is that betty on the sidebar of Friday's SKULLGAME--the one pulling off her shirt on the flash loop--sitting on the end of my bed, with a couple of cold beers and a mirror piled high with blow on her lap. And a paycheck from Vinnie. And my left flip-flop, which I think the neighbor's fucking dog kiped off the porch."
CUPCAKE: HAND'S DOWN WINS THE RESOLUTION OF THE YEAR AWARD
"How about seeing you do me in the relatively near future?"
ENGLISH BOB PREDICTS PARIS HILTON IN, OR NEAR, THE GENERAL ENVIRONS OR VICINITY OF HIS ENGLISH COCK
"This year it seems as though every fucker in the world got a blow job offa PARIS HILTON.
All except me.
But I will get over it, 'tis a new year and one's fortunes can always blossom. I feel fairly optimistic about the coming year, although I am pretty sure this is because I am high. In the cold light of morning, when I really think about things. . . . Yup. Things still suck. The gold medal for proof of this goes to the earthquakes, tidal waves and general destruction that has hit Thailand and Sri Lanka. Wow. Seventy thousand dead people.
Merry Christmas.
Although the above has no bearing on my resolutions whatsoever, I thought it was worth mentioning, as I do care, no really I DO.
Rant over. Here's the RESOLUTIONS:
1. Watch more of JAYNA OSO.
I've seen most of her, from most angles. But I want MORE.
2. Be more offensive when sober, if only to at least be consistent.
3. Take more drugs, had a reasonably sensible year, time to commence my war on drugs. Search and destroy, well I say 'destroy' but I mean 'ingest'.
4. Stop smoking. This one's optional and will most probably be broken within seconds of it being 2005.
VINNIE ROSE GROWS WHERE HIS ROSEMARY GOES
"I'd like to hear the sound of little pussy all over the place. Yes, thousands and thousands of tasty little pussies all running around my place. You see, by my count last year I fucked 320 times. Which places me well below the 1:1 average ratio of ho'age for the average non-fag male.
So in 2005 I'd hope to hit 365 pieces of pussy on average 730 times. This and, um, world peace and shit. Oh, and heroin. I mean not for me, but for the three junkie hookers pictured above. Well, and me too."
WERNER ASSBENDER: DISMISSIVE CONTEMPT FOR ALL MY FRIENDS!
What I'd like to see in '05 is pretty much the same as what I wanted to see last year: that every spamming, pop-up-happy, 'new media' corporate asshole who believes that the internet should be about making them rich (along some hazy delusional parameter of what 'rich' means) has their name on some fucking internet register that I can hunt down and fucking club them to fuckin' death, set their fucking ugly house on fire and piss on the smouldering remains.
Also, that anyone who still believes in some form of viable and credible 'alternative' culture be surrounded, gunned down and bulldozed into mass graves while I lead the crowd in a massive and cheerful singalong, the chorus depicting how one day I will successfully seduce and have week-long anal sex with my friend's slut mother with the gigantic tits."
THE DOCTOR IS IN...YOUR DRUGGED UP ASSHOLE BUT HEY, WHY QUIBBLE?
"In 2005 I hope for peace on earth. I figure that in order for that to happen at least a quarter of the population of the United States will have to die or experience a complete paradigm shift. This could be brought about by distributing "WWJD" stickers to stick all over the back of your car, right to the paint, that contain high doses of LSD in the adhesive; or possibly by using spent plutonium to manufacture little "guardian angel", "Jesus fish", and "Calvin praying" plaques to adorn the desks of the mindless, soulless, retards that think that constantly kicking the hornet's nest that is the Middle East is making the world a safer place."
ITALIAN SAL SPEAKS
"HOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST....LIKE...THIS...ONE!!!!!!"
JIMMY THE G: MR. NO-GODDAMNED GOOD WRENCH
"Since the chop shop isn't getting me the fuckitage I require to keep from running over retirees at the trailer park, I vow to try out for every mercenary opportunity available in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Marines wouldn't take me, something about a "major problem with authority, arising from probable, but undiagnosed, antisocial personality disorder," but I know the big bucks are with the third-party security contractors anyhoo. And regulars don't get to keep grisly trophies in jars. Colonel Kurtz was the man, but he didn't have half the opium and hash I plan to stockpile!"
AND WE ALL BREATHE A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF ANTICIPATORY RELIEF THAT WE DON'T LISTEN TO ANIMAL THUG'S RECOMMENDS FOR A NEW YEAR'S PARTY LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR
AGGGGGHHHHH....TAKE IT AWAY!!!! TAKE IT AWAYYYYYY!!!!!
