While we spent last New Year's Eve drunk. And then in jail. And the year before that drunk, fucking an ugly broad and THEN in jail. This year we're vowing to turn over a new leaf. A leaf that will have a whole less of
THIS
"WAIT A MINUTE!!! JUST WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE!!! OK...YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR BREATHE SMELLS LIKE COCK. AGGGGHHHH!!!!!
And quite a bit more of
THIS
ME & BROTHER ICEPICK SHARING A CELEBRATORY COCONUT SPRITZER
We can only hope that you all do the same while redoubling your efforts to purchase all of that fine-ass porn we sell so that we might continue doing the same while you continue buying our porn so that we can continue doing the same because you've bought our porn so that we can...Jesus. Were you even going to stop me? OK. You know what? Your breathe smells like cock. Aggghhh...
PARIS HILTON PUNKS PIGS ALL OVER AMERICA; PIGS ALARMED
WAIT A MINUTE...I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite-turned-suckgobbler and TV slut PARIS HILTON collects calling cards from policemen who pull her over for speeding because she always promises to date them, after sucking them off, if they don't book her.
The hotel heiress admits she's often pulled over for speeding, even when she hasn't been speeding, but cops seem more intent on having her suck them off than booking her. She mumbles, "Every time I get pulled over, the cop is like, 'We don't need to give you a ticket. Want to go to dinner some time? I mean right after you suck me off?'
PARIS..."TAKING CARE OF IT."
"I have so many cards from cops, like a whole stack. I feel like they pull me over just to have me suck them off. Then afterward I'll give them an autograph and a picture and I go. I always speed. And suck. Suck and speed, speed and suck."
JESSICA SIMPSON LIES TO HER CREEPY FUCKING FATHER ABOUT HER PUSSY & ITS WHEREABOUTS
"PROMISE ME...PROMISE ME YOU'LL NOT TAKE HIS THROBBING TOOL INTO THE SOFT WARM CRANNIES OF YOUR FANNY. OR IN YOUR WET MOUTH. OR BETWEEN YOUR CAPACIOUS BOSOM, DARLING. PROMISE ME YOU'LL AVOID THE SWELL OF TUMESCENCE. AND THE SQUIRTING HOSE OF EVIL COCONUT OILS AND..."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- JESSICA SIMPSON's father Joe made the singer promise to stay a virgin until she married, during a special super-secret creeped out fucking ceremony they had when she was 12.
Joe, who doubles as Jessica's manager, handed his daughter a promise ring and vowed to be the only man in her life until she married.
He explains, "I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are every day. Even when you make a mistake, you are someone special. And I am going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place."
Jessica -- who married Nick Lachey in October 2002 -- then promised she would remain a virgin. Joe adds, "What better gift to give her husband? Never touched by another man."
Whoaaaaa. Jesus Fucking H. Christ on a Goddamned Crutch. And with this shithouse rats all over America are presently in shock at their sudden toppling as the de facto crazy standard. "Wha? What happened?" Joe Simpson, my friends. Joe Simpson.
SHARON OSBOURNE & LIZA MINELLI LIFTING OZZY'S TABS WITH APPARENTLY GREATER FREQUENCY
LIZA, PICTURED HERE WITH DAVID GEST & TWO OLD WHITE BROADS, IN HAPPIER TIMES. HAPPY BUT APPARENTLY NO LESS CRAZY. NOT BY A LOOOOONG FUCKING SHOT
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Rock matriarch and obviously high wife of British multimillionaire Ozzy, SHARON OSBOURNE reportedly, in an epileptic fit of fucked up thinking, is desperate to manage drug-addled, er, ailing diva LIZA MINELLI's "singing" "career."
Osbourne, a co-dependent from way back, is naturally a friend of the 58-year-old music legend, who is currently in a New York hospital after a staggeringly sad alcholic stumble into the juniper bushes outside of D'Agostino's on Monday.
British gossip site SkyNews.com reports Osbourne, who has managed several bands and artists including husband Ozzy, is keen to work with Minnelli, who hasn't had a manager since splitting from her beaten and abused gay husband David Gest last year.
Osbourne says, "I had a long chat, insofar as she's still able to understand English, with Liza Minnelli. I think I could rescue her. She is a massive talent and could still cut it with a younger crowd."
Especially if by "cut it" you mean "supply them all with narcotics as powerful as the ones she's obviously sharing with Sharon."
