Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "It Looks Better Than It Is, And It Don't Look THAT Good" BUSTED NUTS

Ha ha, I laughed when I read the title of this one. "GOBBLE THE GOOP" -- that's pretty funny. I figured this was a blow-job flick. I trip out on dudes who want to watch a film that's all one thing, like fat chicks, or tit-fucking (see BOOB BANGERS), or anything that focused. Me, I like variety. As long as that variety comes with big, undulating fucking jugs. I don't really care what happens as long as there are some big swinging tays to distract me from my path to self-destruction. So I'm open to the CONCEPT of a blow-job movie. In theory, at least.

ALEXIS MALONE ACTUALLY DOING A VERY, VERY BAD JOB OF GOBBLING THE GOOP WHILE DOING AN EXTRAORDINARILY FINE JOB OF HAVING IT SPLATTER ALL OVER HER FUCKING FACE.

BUT... GOBBLE THE GOOP isn't just a blowjob movie. It's a movie that features 5 or 6 identical scenes, each with a babe who sucks off 3 or 4 or 5 guys at once and then they jack off into her mouth and she eats it. Fucking gross to look at, in my opinion. But hey, I mean, this is something that WE HAVE ALL DONE. I've been in on a few of these things, especially like when I was in High School. If you grow up in Cali and you hang around the party late enough, there's always some little deb who didn't disengage from the beer bong soon enough, who ends up being the girlfriend to whatever dudes are left staring at the floating keg.

When you're standing around at 3 A.M.? And there's nothing left to drink, snort, smoke, huff, gaggle, role, or jerk? Why a little skinny naked chick conducting train maneuvers in the living room seems like a fucking good idea. I, personally, I mean like ME, well, I prefer the bedroom train, where you pull a number, take your turn and then leave. I can't enjoy much of anything when there is a fucking squadron of sausage standing around yanking their meat, waiting to hop in on my wave. In any case, no matter what station the train leaves from, it always ends up in the same place--crying, social ostracism, feelings of guilt, attempted suicide, arrest, moving to a new town--you can't just go back to school on Monday when you let 5 or 6 guys whose names you don't even know fuck you in the ass on Saturday.

Me, Skelly, and Woodie got this chick over at the hub once, she was a weird chick to start, and once she did a few 'ners and shots she started doing this lewd dance and a sort of strip-tease thing. Pretty soon she has her top off and we're all, like pigs at a fucking trough. Some guys showed up from Oxnard about the time that she started sucking Skelly's hambone of a dick, and we were all completely wasted, like, 9 or 10 of us. Everybody was dancing with this topless chick, and this dude Wheezle got naked, and is dancing up next to her with his boner bobbing up and down like dreads on a rasta. Out of nowhere he launches a big old blatch on this chick's leg. I was laughing so hard I thought I might boot, and I figured that this chick would bolt while she had the chance. Instead, she started smearing the spew up on her little titties and stomach, and then without any prompting this chick starts sucking us all.

This dude, Shimp, couldn't get it up, and tried to drag her into a closet, and she got all huffy. So Gor threatened to kick his ass if he didn't let up. Al these dudes were standing around yanking on their dicks, and I couldn't even SEE the chick, who by that time had swallowed Skell's load and another one and was working on Woody. Woody grabbed her head and rammed his cock down her throat, and she puked all over his 'nads. He thought it was funny, but the horny guys who hadn't spunked yet were pissed off. The girl went running out of the house crying, with her shirt off and puke all over her arms.

THAT is the reality. I guess there are some dudes who haven't had the opportunity of having to line up and wait to have their choad drained, and to them it seems like a turn-on. Well, to me, I'd rather watch video of someone else's vacation than watch this shit. Most of the film is just a bunch of guys stroking the lily: fuck that. Like a buch of dudes waiting to take a piss in a big, stinky urinal, only they are naked and whacking. Sound good to you? If so, you are a flaming fucking bucket of fag. -- YOZA

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