EVEN THIS SLIGHTLY PORCINE WOMAN NAMED KATHY WOODS WHAT WHO THOUGHT SHE COULD "BE A PORN STAR" AGREES: "BARRY BONDS IS A RICH STEROIDED NEGRO!!!"
AND FROM earlier in the week......
SKULLGAME LOVES STEROIDS WITH STUNNING NOD TO NEGRO & STEROID ACHIEVER BARRY BONDS WHOSE 755TH HOMER [SOON TO BE 756] IS PRECISELY NUMBER OF CC'S OF WINSTROL NEEDED TO GET TO 756. HERE'S TO A JUICE MONKEY, FROM JUICE MONKEYS! WE LOVE U, MAN!
BUT first this message from WHATTHEFUCKULOOKINGAT? condoms. The condoms to be had when you're having more than fucking fun.
YOZA SWEARS TO GOD HE'S FINISHED WITH GIRLS WHOSE PUSSIES SMELL LIKE PEE. APPARENTLY CHEESE ASS IS FINE THOUGH.
AS IF BASEBALL WASN'T GAY ENOUGH: THE SPECTRE OF COCK&BALL-SEEK, AL JOLSON & ALL THE STEROIDS, ER, MEDICINAL CREAM YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.
DIVINE BROWN?!? IS THAT YOU?!?!
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- When BARRY BONDS is inducted into the Hall of Fame, his plaque will include this inspirational entry:
"On Feb. 28, 2006, Bonds appeared on the Giants' spring practice field in drag, wearing a wig, a skirt and a halter top supported by falsies, after fellating several of his teammates. Rob Schneider, a comedian of the era, called him 'Scary Bonds,' after Bonds fellated him. Children wept. At the fellating. Grown men gouged their eyes out. After having been fellated by the champion. Teammates hooted. After being fellated a second time by a winded Future Hall of Famer. Three asked for his phone number. Bonds, known to be surly to the media, threatened bodily harm to any cameraman who attempted to film his legs from the knees up. Right after he fellated them."
It was a most un-Bonds moment on the most un-Giants-like day in, like, forever. The daylong fellatio hootenanny was a departure for a Giants clubhouse that in recent years has been as fun-loving as a day at the DMV. Without the blowjobs. This team had a serious chemistry problem last year, namely the lack of any. This spring, the Giants have done a 180, though. The clubhouse has become a fellatio funhouse, "a night-day difference from 2005," said visibly relaxed catcher Mike Matheny.
DAY 2 OF THE BARRY BONDS TRANNY WATCH: THE GAYNESS CONTINUES
WHY IS HE THE ONLY ONE SMILING?
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- Despite everybody having gotten the "joke" the first time, BARRY BONDS has refused to don any clothes but his present wandering transvestite garb and has subsequently managed to push the entire Giants' clubhouse from pleasantly amused to penintentiarily aroused, whilst disturbing San Francisco residents and SkullGame denizens with his whole "hidden penis" trick.
According to Giants' manager Felipe Alou through his Spangalisian translator, "Beisbol been bery bery good to me. And so hast Barry. And hees mouth sex," mimicking the sentiment of the entire management team. Not without detractors, however, celebrity citizen saver EDDIE MURPHY was reported to have said, "I seen better."
SKULLGAME NEWS SHORTS
"AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGGHHH..." BARRY BONDS RESPONDS TO A REPORTER'S QUESTIONS REGARDING THE STEROID CHARGES THAT CONTINUE TO DOG HIM. EVEN WHEN HE'S WEARING A DRESS.
"DON'T MAKE LETICIA ANGRY, MR. MC GEE. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE LETICIA ANGRY." BARRY BONDS, AKA "LETICIA" ABOUT TO MAKE A POINT. OF SOME KIND THAT WE ARE LARGELY STILL UNAWARE OF.
SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- SF Giants baseball slugger BARRY BONDS, the subject of continued allegations of rampant juice monkery charged into a press conference today to refute charges of alleged juice monkery. "BIRTH IS PAIN, DEATH IS PAIN, LIFE IS PAIN!!!" Said the 40-year-old Bonds right before kissing his biceps and making some sort of connection between arm muscles and a life of relative comfort. The press conference, for Western States affiliates of Mutual of Omaha's annual analyst's meeting, nodded in assent until his rage-fueled rant petered out and he walked away. Skirt swishing gently around his thighs.
Fag.
BARRY BONDS SUES THE FUCK OUT OF THE WORLD OVER PUBLISHED ALLEGATIONS THAT HE GAINED 40 POUNDS OF MUSCLE ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN CAMPBELL'S SOUP.
BONDS SAYS HELLO TO TEAMMATE & PORN STAR LIAR JEFF KENT THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW: WITH MURDER IN HIS EYES.
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- BARRY BONDS lost the first round Friday of his legal attack on a book by two Chronicle reporters that accuses him of using steroids in his pursuit of baseball's home run records, 40 pounds of muscle and a rage unquenchable -- and a judge signaled that the Giants slugger's prospects for victory in the long term were slim, much to the chagrin of Bonds who was quoted as saying later "AGGGHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!"
Judge James Warren of San Francisco Superior Court denied Bonds' request that he appoint a receiver to monitor sales of the newly published Game of Shadows and seize all profits. In a lawsuit filed earlier in the day, Bonds said "AGGGHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!" and that the authors had gotten most of their information from illegally obtained grand jury transcripts that they had no "goddamned right to exploit...I'LL KILL THEM, "AGGGHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!"
After a 50-minute hearing, a trembly Warren said, fingering a .45 caliber sidearm, that he saw no need for an immediate freeze on profits from the book.
A PIQUANT BOUQUET OF STEROIDS, SPEED AND PURE STYLE: BARRY "FUCK YOU" BONDS. A WINNER. FOR THE AGES.
"IN ACCEPTING THIS AWARD I'D LIKE TO SAY: I AM SOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING HIGH."
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- Giants outfielder BARRY BONDS tested positive for amphetamines in the middle of last season and told several people on the team about it at the time, as well as about his plan to dissemble his television and reassemble it on his kitchen table, a major league source told The San Francisco Chronicle today.
The positive test was first reported by the New York Daily News and just about everybody who witnessed Bonds' endless vocal dissertations on the nature of the board game yahtzee. In a classic Bondsian maneuver he initially blamed it on a substance he had taken from the locker of teammate Mark Sweeney. The Chronicle's source confirmed the accuracy of the report and then stated Bonds' amphetamine test was known on the team because Bonds himself talked and talked and talked and talked about it.
"Barry is the guy who went around telling everybody he tested positive," said the source, who requested anonymity because of the confidentiality issues surrounding drug testing, as well as drug purchasing.
In a statement released today, Giants officials said, between grinding their teeth and jerking their heads sharply to the right, "Last night was the 'first' time we 'heard' of 'this' 'recent' 'accusation' against Barry Bonds. And shit."
