BUT first this message from WHATTHEFUCKULOOKINGAT? condoms. The condoms to be had when you're having more than fucking fun.

YOZA SWEARS TO GOD HE'S FINISHED WITH GIRLS WHOSE PUSSIES SMELL LIKE PEE. APPARENTLY CHEESE ASS IS FINE THOUGH.

AS IF BASEBALL WASN'T GAY ENOUGH: THE SPECTRE OF COCK&BALL-SEEK, AL JOLSON & ALL THE STEROIDS, ER, MEDICINAL CREAM YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.

DIVINE BROWN?!? IS THAT YOU?!?!

SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- When BARRY BONDS is inducted into the Hall of Fame, his plaque will include this inspirational entry:

"On Feb. 28, 2006, Bonds appeared on the Giants' spring practice field in drag, wearing a wig, a skirt and a halter top supported by falsies, after fellating several of his teammates. Rob Schneider, a comedian of the era, called him 'Scary Bonds,' after Bonds fellated him. Children wept. At the fellating. Grown men gouged their eyes out. After having been fellated by the champion. Teammates hooted. After being fellated a second time by a winded Future Hall of Famer. Three asked for his phone number. Bonds, known to be surly to the media, threatened bodily harm to any cameraman who attempted to film his legs from the knees up. Right after he fellated them."

It was a most un-Bonds moment on the most un-Giants-like day in, like, forever. The daylong fellatio hootenanny was a departure for a Giants clubhouse that in recent years has been as fun-loving as a day at the DMV. Without the blowjobs. This team had a serious chemistry problem last year, namely the lack of any. This spring, the Giants have done a 180, though. The clubhouse has become a fellatio funhouse, "a night-day difference from 2005," said visibly relaxed catcher Mike Matheny.

APPLE'S STEVE "BLOW" JOBS DENIES THE COCAINE RUMORS, TRIES TO EXPLAIN AWAY THE NICKNAME SOME OTHER WAY; SKULLGAME WRITER, MAXIMUM, AIN'T BUYING IT.

"THIS IS THE highPOD. IT'S VERY GOOD FOR, UM...WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"

CUPERTINO (SkullGame) -– Apple Computers' STEVE JOBS announced today that the home computing pioneer will soon launch new software and firmware for the market-leading iPod device, called xPod, that will download and play adult film content in the iPod format.

Shocked and titillated press members could barely contain themselves as Jobs used a projector to preview the kinds of media that xPod will be penetrating the market with. From high quality, full-length films to gigabytes upon gigabytes of pictures in any number of image file formats, the xPod update promises to make a lot of iPod users very happy.

Not everyone is thrilled, however. San Francisco MUNI police officer Ramone "Ray-Ray" Vegaz says that he, his partners and their commanders are worried about the deep impact that xPod will have on their day jobs. "It's bad enough that these 'Pod-people' already can't hear me when I ask them to see a transfer," laments Officer Vegaz, "but now I gotta worry about catching these sick fucks jerking off at the Powell Station on their way to work? I didn't sign up for that shit...When do those go on sale?"

California State Highway Patrolman Donald "Deke" Dowarsky is also worried. "A lot of people use iPods to listen to music in their vehicles now," explains Dowarsky from his patrol cruiser as he monitors traffic from the parking lot of the In 'N' Out burger in Daly City. "Problem is, they're going to start watching pornographic content as they drive, which will undoubtedly cause an increased amount of traffic incidents on our highways. Highway safety dictates that that something like that only be used in a vehicle that is stationary and non-operational...like this vehicle, right now."

Apple plans a whole line of accompanying xPod products, including exclusive iTunes adult film downloads, Apple-sponsored adult film technology consumer shows, special video-monitor eye-wear for low-profile public viewing, and Apple/The Body Shop co-branded lotion and handi-wipes.

“WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”, AS GEORGE MICHAEL DETAINED, ONCE AGAIN, FOR SUSPICION OF BEING A HOMO WHILE HIGH. TAKES ARREST ON CHIN—JUST AS JUDGE ROY BEAN FIGURED HE WOULD.

AND HERE WE HAVE ONE GEORGE MICHAEL, TAKING MIMICRY TO A TOTALLY INTOLERABLE LEVEL BY PORTRAYING FRED DURST IN AN UPCOMING “MAN ON MAN” AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL WHERE A YOUNG WIGGER COMES TO TERMS WITH HIS BURGEONING HOMOSEXUALITY AND TAKES TO THE MALL TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT.

London (SkullGame)—Former WHAM frontman and total fucking Greek fag GEORGE MICHAEL [which is like saying the same thing three times] was arrested on Sat. evening on suspicion of being a homo while high, a claim that was substantiated the moment police approached the suspect slumped in his car, finding him “utterly enthralled with our ‘staches and Serengetti’s, like we was poofters or some bollocks--all campin’ us up. He was especially taken with Liam’s here’s bike knickers and pony—which we were obliged to inform ‘im was, indeed, a bloody stallion. This calmed ‘im down not a cunt-hair”, Officer Martin Beckham relayed to AP reporters in an official press statement Sun. morning.

“It was the gayest shite I’ve seen since the last time I saw two blokes a’ shagging. Fuckin’ Hell, this cunt was all calling us ‘fabulous’, and he bloody near queered ‘imself on Liam’s leg fore we could beat the piss out of ‘im, put ‘is Jackson Pollocks back in ‘is trousers, and drop the J in ‘is fuckin’ Audi. We knew he was jaked, arse over elbow, but the second Liam here tried to put the cuffs on ‘im the bloody jobby jabber pulled out ‘is jap’s eye and started a’ wankin’ at us.”

When reached for comment, Michael said: “It was my fault. Sorry about that. Thought it was my birthday. Biggest regret of my life and shit.”

Michael was charged with possession of a Class C substance, and is in danger of losing his license due to the crime--his driver's license, that is, not his license to be a homosexual, which is seemingly irrevocable despite many best efforts.

The pop star and reported “only male in history to not try to fuck CINDY CRAWFORD when standing in the same room as her, naked at that” has been ordered to follow-up with court officials and undergo possible drug rehabilitation and sexual reorientation therapy when he returns to court sometime next month, where he is scheduled to resume beating off in front of authorities while stretching his 15 min. by any means necessary.