AND this issue of SkullGame is brought to you by CT Industries.
CT, SPONSORED BY THE UN, FOR PRODUCTS FOR BETTER LIVING THROUGH LOADS.
THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP: ITALIAN SAL INTERVIEWS A RING GIRL
ESPECIALLY IF BY INTERVIEW YOU MEAN ASKING A FEW QUESTIONS...ABOUT HER ASS.
ITALIAN SAL: Here we are in the beautiful Mandalay Bay Arena with RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER. How you doing?
RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER: Oh, I'm tired. I've been up for two days. Doing shows and traveling and...
IS: I love you...
R-A-W: Hahahah...what?!?!
IS: ...with a love that can only be expressed through song...
R-A-W: Oh...my...God...
IS: I know, baby, I know....love is like that. You know...
R-A-W: ...there's BAS RUTTEN!!! Look, I'll be back.
IS:...a lesbian ladies and gentlemen. A lesbian.
A SCIENTIFIC SKULLGAME SPORTS STUDY: PUSSY'S GOOD. UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCK IT.
A RECENT INSTITUTE STUDY HAS FOUND THAT A WHOPPING 69 PERCENT OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES AGREE, "GAMES ARE FUN, BUT PUSSY IS FLEETING. WE'LL TAKE THE PUSSY!!!"
Due to a recently received sports medicine grant, offered to the fraudulently created SG International Global Inc., we here at SKULLGAME have undertaken to protect ourselves from possible future prosecution by actually printing the results of our findings in the hope that it might help aspiring athletes avoid the pitfalls that have claimed some of the sports world's greatest. And to keep us from getting popped on a Bunco rap. So with no further ado.
SG International Global Inc.'s Sports Study On Sex And The Loser Athlete
FIRST CASE: TIGER WOODS
HAVE YOU SEEN ME? AT THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD? AT ALL? ANYTIME THIS YEAR? I DIDN'T THINK SO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT TO SEE A SWEDE ABOUT A SAUSAGE
An interesting case indeed. TIGER WOODS was on course to be one, if not THE most dominating player the game of golf (not technically a sport because you see a sport is an endeavor where it is not possible to be beaten by a 13-year old girl, unless you are a 13-year old girl, but why quibble?) has ever seen. Until he met the woman who is now his fiancee, ELIN NORDEGREN. Not only is she Swedish, which means from Sweden, a country known for amongst other things rolling ass up for the Nazis and meatballs. She is also a nude figure model.
ELIN NORDEGREN PLANNING ON HOW BEST TO DESTROY TIGER WOODS BEFORE DECIDING ON: PUSSY
Case closed.
SECOND CASE: PETE SAMPRAS
WINNER!!!
We don't really know too much about tennis. Is it a sport? Is it an exercise? We strongly suspect some sort of GAY component but of this we are not sure. In any case PETE SAMPRAS was like THE BEST at it. Especially if by IT you mean skipping around a clay court grunting and whatnot. No matter. He was the best. And then he met "actress" BRIDGETTE WILSON.
NOT ANYMORE. SAMPRAS UNDER THE WATCHFUL AND BALEFUL GLARE OF THE SHE-BEAST WHO CONTROLS HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT
And then his face became the face of those that envy the dead.
CASE C: ANDY RODDICK
RODDICK STARING INTO THE YAWNING AND GRAYING VOID OF HIS FUTURE
Another tennis player. Another "actress", this one named MANDY MOORE. Maybe it's the effeteness of the sport that breeds a lesser man. Maybe it's the tight white shorts and socks. Maybe since the juiced up, coked out Irishman JOHNNY MAC left the game it's been largely felt to be a safe haven for men who want to lose. We do not know this as it sits beyond the cost parameters of this study. However we do know this: Andy might as well start telling people his last name is GIBB because he is dead.
SUMMARY: Tennis is gay and golf isn't much better.
A SAL PACINO TALE OF WOE: CARS, CRAP & CRAZY CRACKHEADS: A TROIKA OF TERROR.
EXHIBITS A THROUGH 5: THIS CAR MARAUDER WILL BE FOUND!!!
There is a certain satisfaction that which comes with firmly burying one's foot deep within a much deserving ass.
This same satisfaction has continued to elude me since my injury in December, however…it seems as if after a full two months--today being the anniversary of my surgery--after two months, the arm that which was as useless as a set of tits on a bull is beginning to show marked improvement; a testament to the curing power of running…and positive thinking; the latter being a lie I use to impress women into sleeping with me.
Running, positive thinking and lying for the sake of pussy aside, back to the point at hand…that point being: Crack head, whoever and wherever you are, please immediately desist from SHITTING on my car! Now I don’t mean the abstract shitting on one's car, for example, smoking in the passenger seat or eating McDonalds and spilling ketchup on my sheepskin covers.
No, in this instance I mean actual SHITTING. Moving one's bowels, pinching a loaf, seeing a man about a horse, you know…shitting…ON…my…CAR!
Please stop it. Now I'm sure that many will say, “hey this is testament to the safety of your neighborhood: could you imagine a greater accolade than someone feeling safe and comfortable enough in your neighborhood as to engage in their most private of activities there…out in the open no less.”
To which I would say, “Fuck you, pal. Apes shit wherever the fuck they want and more importantly don’t try to pull a silver lining out of a crackhead's ass…unless of course my foot is attached to that silver lining.”
STOP SHITTING ON MY CAR!
And eat some bran, anything with fiber really.
Thanks for listening.
Annnd from earlier this week...
The ways in which CORNHOLIO's recent "vacation" was very much like "incarceration":
1) BITCHES all had penises.
2) JON REYES was kicked down a flight of stairs. Jon's stepfather is a San Francisco cop. Jon owed one of Cornholio's many lady friends a spot of cash.
"YOU PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME. OR I'LL PAY YOU WHAT YOU OWE ME."
3) They don't have bars on the windows at Club Med. Even The Compton Club Med.
In any case, we're glad to have him back and glad he made so many nice friends inside. Like his new friend "Mahmoud" [below]. Good luck on that appeal Brother Jihad.
BROTHER JIHAD AUDITIONS FOR A ROLE IN A NEW REALITY SHOW CALLED "JEW CONSPIRACY."
I'M OUT OF ORDER?!?!? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!! HE'S OUT OF ORDER!!! THIS ILL-FITTING SUIT JACKET IS OUT OF ORDER!!! MY HYPE MAN IS OUT OF ORDER. SO IS THE COKE MACHINE IN THE LOBBY. AS IS THAT HOT BITCH BEHIND ME!!!!! THEY'RE ALL OUT OF ORDER!!!
DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE “REALLY IS SEXIER QUIET,” MAURY POVICH TELLS JUDGE ROY BEAN UPON LEARNING OF PUSSY PYRAMID SCHEME.
“IF MAURY WANTS HIS MONEY, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GIVE HIM HIS MONEY,” MAURY POVICH, KEEPING A SHARP EYE OUT FOR ONE WILLIE GREEN, EXPLAINS CALMLY TO BIANCA NARDI MOMENTS BEFORE SLAPPING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HER AND ALL HER FRIENDS.
NEW YORK (SkullGame)— A producer for the Maury Povich Show has reportedly filed a $100 million sexual harassment suit against the talk show personality and his underlings claiming that they barraged her with sexual remarks, forced her to expose her body, and made her watch pornographic videos until she gained 50 lbs; which, she assured the press, was the end result of being barraged with sexual remarks, forced to expose her body, and made to watch pornographic films…until she gained 50 lbs.
“This has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with me being a lazy bitch that doesn’t want to do ‘her kind of job’…until I gained 50 lbs; in which case I just wanted some money to help cure the pain of being a lazy bitch that doesn’t want to do ‘any kind of job’…until I gained 50 lbs.”, Nardi, 28, of Fort Lee N.J. told SkullGame reporters who have since learned not to answer CraigsList emails that only show the woman from the shoulders up, even if she is willing to fellate your dog, which we assure you Bianca Nardi, 28, of Fort Lee N.J. is not. Fellating our dogs, we mean.
Povich, who is married to the utterly sexless Ang Lee, released an official press statement Tuesday morning that spoke vaguely of “reading Nikes”, “shitting Timberlands”, and “getting me my fucking money”, before concluding “Do you think I really harassed this ho? This ho that just gained 50 lbs.? The one who has a beaver that looks like it got in a fight with a badger? That just gained 50 lbs.? The one that comes with her own roll-a-ticket and could mule an entire Guatemalan family in her kidshitter? That just gained 50 lbs.? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I need to smack you too?” only to degenerate into a bumble of incoherent mumbles peppered with recurring themes of “money” and “loads”
Gary Rosen, unsolicited ass fondler extraordinaire and spokesman for the show has denied any/all allegations pertaining to the suit…minus Bianca Nardi, 28, of Fort lee N.J. fellating dogs and gaining 50 lbs.
WHITE WOMAN LOVER CHRIS ROCK LOVES HIM SOME WHITE WOMAN; NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER KID, HER PURSE. QUITE SURE ABOUT HER ASS, HOWEVER.
OH…MY…GOD…ONLY IN FUCKING AMERICA. WE MEAN TO PUT THIS IN PERSPECTIVE: WE'D KILL ALL OF YOU JUST FOR THE CHANCE TO PLOW HER POOPY CHUTE WITH SOME PINE. FUCK YOU CHRIS ROCK.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Comedian CHRIS ROCK hired now-indicted Hollywood detective ANTHONY PELLICANO to find incriminating information on a white woman who filed a paternity claim against him, what on account of him being a paternity, and what not.
The private eye allegedly searched confidential criminal databases for incriminating information on Hungarian model Monika Zsibrita, according to court records, and had to go no further than the 18 hours of video tape depicting Rock plowing honeypie's pudding for all the info he needed to come to the conclusion that he himself would fuck her "no fucking question."
Rock's spokesperson and friend of SkullGame, Matt Labov, confirmed Monday that the comedian's representatives had hired Pellicano, after the model alleged she was pregnant with Rock's child in 1999. Rock was separated from his wife when he met Zsibrita and two subsequent DNA tests revealed that he was not the child's father, "besides which," in a court deposition Pellicano revealed, "ain't been no baby born yet from the ass sex."
Zsibrita is planning to file a claim against the City of Los Angeles, alleging that her civil rights to exposure-free anal activity were repeatedly violated, much like her ass, because her confidential records were turned over to Pellicano.
THIS edition of SkullGame, in honor of the international recognition for bloodthirsty fucking Commie fucks worldwide, is brought to you by CHINAMAN PROPHYLACTICS...The Prophlylactic to wear...
...WHEN YOU WANT TO BEAT THAT ASS LIKE IT WAS CHINESE...
UMA THURMAN REVENGES HERSELF ON WAYWARD HUZ BY HUMPING VINNIE; DECLARES THE EXPERIENCE "GREAT!"
UMA ABOUT TO READ VINNIE SOME POETRY AFTER FRESHENING UP HIS GODDAMNED DRINK
In the recent contretemps (French for getting your cock caught in cookie's jar) over husband ETHAN HAWKE's alleged indiscretions with 22-year old model JEN PERZOW, UMA THURMAN decided to fight back. Noting that the best way "to get over one man is by getting under another" she recently
placed a call to SKULLGAME'S own VINNIE ROSE. The following text appears as it was recorded by the ever-thoughtful MR. ROSE.
UMA THURMAN: Hey. Hello. Hi. You remember me? We met at Ingrid's party? In New York? I used to go to school with her?
VINNIE ROSE: The tall thin broad? With the cans? Yeah. I remember you.
UT: Well, I was going to be up in San Fran and...
VR:...I remember you from that fucking crappy movie you did with my friend ANDRE BRAUGHER. That one that stunk up the whole joint. What the fuck was it called? Um, Duo? Duotone?
UT: Duets. And that wasn't me. That was GWENYTH PALTROW and I didn't think that was that bad of a....
VR: Bad?!!? You don't KNOW bad!!! Try watching this goddamned flick with your dick out. One word, baby: no fucking fun. But listen cut the fucking rebop, baby. I been reading about your troubles and I just want to say that I think it's one goddamned shame when a woman. A beautiful and desireable woman such as yourself, even after two kids, has to have her name dragged through the fucking mud by a pansy like that underwear model you're married to. For some 22-year old PLUS SIZE
model?!?!
THE 22-YEAR OLD PLUS SIZE MODEL
UT: I...I...(cries).
VR: Take it easy, baby. I just want to say that when a man loves a woman. A beautiful and desireable albeit aging mother of two like you he should recognize that the fine wine that she is should be supped, savored and enjoyed with all the heady delight that she can command and indeed
deserves.
UT: Really? I mean really?
VR: Hey, baby, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. What? You think I just want to fuck you? I can fuck anybody, baby. YOU, I want to inhale. I want to give you the kind of pleasure that only a man like me can give. The kind of pleasure that seems like it's lasting a life time but in actual fact only lasts a few minutes. But I'm just talking, you know? I mean you're a big star and all and I'm, well, I'm just a man. A man with exquisite tastes in broads who knows what Underwear man never will: that I'd live 1000 lifetimes just to be able to bring YOU pleasure. But, ah, too bad you're not here.
UT: Well. Wait. I'm coming to San Francisco and I thought we could meet for drinks or something. Where are you staying now?
VR: If you're coming to San Fran I'm staying at the Fairmont. That's where I was last time I was there with OLIVIA. Do you know her?
O-L-I-V-I-A
UT: Um, no, I...
VR: Nevermind. But my credit card doesn't seem to be working now, so you call them and get the room and I'll meet you in the lobby.
UT: Well. OK. But this is all so sudden....
VR: Ah, no. No it's not. It's not sudden at all, baby. I mean I've been thinking about it a lifetime. Is a lifetime sudden?
UT: I'll be there.
When asked for post-coital commentary VINNIE ROSE said "Who? You mean the tall thin broad? With the cans? Married to that underwear model? How was she? You mean in the sack? A damned sight better than she was in that horrible movie Duel or whatever the fuck it was called."
HATH NOT A JEW EYES? THE MAX STEINER STORY BY STEELY ROB
MAX HARDCORE. NEXT UP: FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
“Taking part in a MAX HARDCORE shoot is like watching a bull fight,” BRANDON IRON told us prior to our meeting Max in person, “everyone involved is cool, calm and collected. No one ever raises their voice; it’s total professionalism all the way. But in the end, you know the bull’s gonna get slaughtered.”
Max’s hardcore scenes are infamous for being the most extreme, while still being within the limits of the law. And then, they’re often not.
Last time, we were talking to Max about how he got started in the business. He was about to continue when LAYLA RIVERA walked in.
Rivera is Max’s latest girl, which means she lives with him, is in a good deal of his scenes, and acts as her pseudo-agent for outside work. She had just spent the day in shackles and restraints in an S&M scene.
Just out of the shower, and wearing micro shorts and high-heeled porn shoes, Rivera looked tight and thin, which made her large fake breasts seem even more out of proportion. Before we knew it, she had pulled down her halter top at the wave of Max’s hand, and was sitting on his desk with her new assets out, all the while multitasking by taking care of some personal business on the phone.
“When you see the whole chassis, you’ll see that it’s a marvel of human engineering and human genetics,” he said.
THE WATER, THE BOWL, MAX'S HAT BEHIND HER. IN THE LITERARY WORLD WE CALL THIS FORESHADOWING.
We tried to get Max to elaborate on who exactly he was referring to when talked about the low quality porn that was so present when he first broke in. But he wouldn’t. Maybe it was Vivid?
“Regardless of what type of porno that you like, there’s no denying that Vivid put forth a tremendous effort and spent a lot of resources to make a really fine product: the best that they could do. I don’t think it’s really fair to put them in a position of not being erotic for the hardcore strokers. They certainly have a large market. There’s a much larger percentage of people that would feel comfortable and enjoy seeing a Vivid movie than would enjoy seeing one of mine. I’m quite certain of that. They put out a great product and my hat’s off to them.
Most of those features are shot on film! And if you have any understanding of putting together a movie, anytime you have film in the mix, it raises the cost two or three-fold. It also makes logistics of shooting a sex scene much more problematic in that you have to change reels every 15 minutes maximum. I think they’re doing a tremendous job in their lighting, their sets, and their costumes. I don’t feel comfortable being compared to them; and I shouldn’t be compared to them. I could have gone in that direction if I had first been introduced to PAUL THOMAS.”
So what WAS it that sucked so bad?
“What really peeved me in was BUTTMAN. I thought it was crap at the time. But what I didn’t realize 'til later was that the production values and the “crap” (as it were, the sub-par elements) were in fact the man’s genius. At first the shaky camera work and the talking, and the going up and down, up and down... headache camera, I called it... I said that I could do better.
And then there was ED POWERS, who would use incandescent lights for his sets. He had a weiner about three inches long, and hair growing up over half of that...and to this day, I’m mystified at the popularity of that. Be that as it may – I make no judgments about it – at the time, I thought I could do a much better job.
What I discovered was that the more elaborate the story, the more the sex would suffer. Some of the best stuff I had seen – the old seven-minute reels: GOLDEN GIRLS, DIAMOND COLLECTION, SWEDISH EROTICA – and in seven minutes, they would have an introduction and progress to five to six minutes of fucking. And it was well done.”
What about James Avalon’s film work for Red Light District?
“It’s fantastic. I admire what he does. I don’t have the patience [for stuff like that]. I would never have lasted in Hollywood, where a single 90-minute movie could take five years from ‘ok, we’re going to do this’ to it coming out in the theaters. So that’s why, despite the advice not to from lawyers and distributors, that I decided to make short stories – vignettes – and make it as hard as possible: gaping anal, exposed, shaved fucking pussy so the girls look more youthful and innocent, and we’re going to focus in on the fucking and sucking.”
And speaking of fucking and sucking, let’s take a look at MAX FAKTOR 16, which a propos stars BRANDON IRON, our favorite Canadian porner taking the lead as Max Steiner takes a back seat as assistant camera man.
This movie is an aberration in the storied Max line: scenes not featuring Max, and scenes with more than one guy. You can get a look at pre-boob job Layla Rivera in this movie as she tag-team fucks a baker’s dozen’s worth of guys with HAILEY YOUNG, right after helping Max plough KRISSY in the ass and give her that special, shiny, mysterious Max glow.
Finally, KELLY WELLS does the only thing that she can do best: supply a thoroughly vile, revolting, feral sexual performance. Note the arm and ankle restraints. We’ll be hearing more about those next time.....
