AND THESE ARE MY EMPTIES!!!
J. LO? A NAZI HO? MAYBE SO. MAYBE SO.
"YES. YES, YOU. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. I WANT THE JEWS TO BE ABLE TO SEE ME." J. LO ABOUT TO SIEG HEIL.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ has, in a fit of race-hating fury, dumped her new manager, Jeff Kwatinetz, who is actress and non-Jew Brittany Murphy's ex-fiance.
The "singer"/"actress" ended her year-long "business" "relationship" with the "wily Jew" head of power players The Firm over the weekend, according to TMZ.com.
The split comes just before the release of Lopez's new films "Bordertown: El Sabado Gigante: Le Revenge!" and "El Cantante: El Chuchifrito," in which she stars alongside her long-suffering, yet somehow insufferable, husband, MARC ANTHONY, who is not bothered at all that she tarried with known-Negro P. DIDDY'S loads on any number of occasions.
Her album of Spanish-language ballads, Como Ama Una Mujer, which translated from Mexicanisch, is Like A Whore With A Hole, we think, is also scheduled for release in November.
In a statement, The Firm's bosses write, "Jennifer is a dear friend of The Firm and will remain so regardless of the business relationship. Or her calling us, what did she write? 'Filthy kikey kikes'? This was a decision based on differing styles and expectations and we wish her the absolute best. Even if her Jew hating ass will never work in Hollywood, which we OWN incidentally, again."
LT. TODD ATKINS: THE EDUCATION OF BOBBY
"AT LEAST I THINK MECCA IS THIS WAY," THE BAD LT. HEEDING THE MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER.
I went and saw the Exorcist tonite with a couple of friends. It was the late show, so I was hoping it would be pretty much empty. No such luck. A group of about 11 Hawaiian women and 2 Hawaiian High School aged kids sat behind and beside us. Not only were they talking, but they had brought a young child. I think the kid was 4.
Anyway, during the entire movie they flapped their fucking mouths. At the scary scenes, they would shriek as loud as possible then resume talking. Toward the end of the movie I had gotten sick of hearing them yell and when they did it again, I said "GODDAMN!" and turned around. One of the women was the ringleader and started talking smack. The movie ended and I immediately stood up and turned around (no sense in getting a soda thrown on me) and the shit talking continued.
Now, what fascinates me about this situation is that I had at least 50 pounds or more on each of those women yet they tried to verbally bully me. I've been around enough hostile women to be fully prepared to knock a woman's teeth down her neck if the situation warrants it. After a slight chuckle I looked at the fat girl and said "fuck you...CUNT". At this time one of the kids came over and told me to watch my mouth while trying to push his chest into mine. I was about 6 inches taller than this kid and was kind of taken aback that he confronted me like this. I said "you guys are in the wrong and YOU are going to start shit with ME?"
He told me again to watch my mouth. I tried really hard not to laugh in his face and said "whatever kid." He then said "we'll settle this outside" to which I replied "I'll be right out in front, waiting for ya" with a big grin on my face. I also warned him "before we fight, I must warn you that I am a Navy SEAL and train in NHB under Scrapper" then I gave my cell phone, money and keys to my friend (didn't want them to get lost) and told him that if I tangled with this guy all he had to do was keep the women off me till it was over.
We got out in the parking lot and this guy came over to the monster truck I ride in. He asked me if there was still a problem. I told him that we could have one if he thought it would be necessary. We stood about 2 feet apart and he stood facing me straight on. I adopted a "non-aggressive posture" (a la Steven Segal) with my right foot slightly in front of my left. Even though my hands were clasped in front of my stomach, I was fully prepared to take this guy down. I think he was talking for the sake of looking manly in front of his women. He kept talking about scrappin', but his body language suggested otherwise. As he turned his back to walk away, I ran behind him and said "now it's time to teach you a lesson, Navy SEAL style." I got a running start and punched the little Hawaiian dude in the back of the head then tackled him to the ground. I used my massive weight advantage to keep him on the ground and hold him there while I punched his face in. The little man was bleeding badly and began crying for his mother to come help him.
His bitch came over and tried to kick me in the face, but luckily my buddy came over and restrained her SEAL style. I had a full mount on the kid and he begged me to let him go and said he was sorry. I told him he and his fat bitch Mom had ruined our planned evening of entertainment, so now it was time for him to entertain us. I jumped up kind of like Sakuraba and held him by his underwear with his buttocks exposed.
"Now you are going to see why we have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy in the Navy" I told the terrified little man. My other buddy came over and lowered his pants and began to fuck the loudmouth guy up the ass. "What are you doing you homo?" he screamed.
I couldn't believe the guy was running his mouth still, so I informed him of what exactly we SEALS were doing. "You know punk we have hell week in the SEALS, and this is just our civilian version."
After my friend was about to climax, he decided to go blow his load all over the fat Mom's face. Of course she screamed and cried about it, but who cares? After that we decided to let the two locals go.
I think we sent a clear message not to mess with a SEAL.
OVER. OUT.
A Look At The Dirt Of The Silverware, The Dinge Of The Soul, The Darkness Of The Sheet, And The Detergent Of The Sluts In-Between.
As many may already know, it takes a certain type of woman, a certain type of stupid woman, if you will, to truly appreciate me—and as of late, I have been actively seeking that woman. The mornings spent searching for my wallet whilst wearing a bath robe that is nary my own--head throbbing and heart sobbing--have lost their once novel appeal. Since I am much too cheap to cough up the $25 for a female convict's mailing address, so that I can serenade with poems of welfare fraud, child neglect, broomstick rape, and nights on the street, passed over bottles of Thunderbird that never seem to fully empty (much like the spring of my soul), I have decided to take the route of many major metropolitan dwellers with waning social skills and decidedly warped worldviews and begin searching Craigslist for women that can hold up to my rather stringent standards...of domestic dutifulness.
But not without first eliciting the aid of some of the more questionable Mack Avenue residents.
Original post made by one Sal Pacino:
MUST LOVE CATS
Dont have one. Neighbor does. You can go see him afterwards. What I am looking for is someone to get down and dirty with my dirty dishes. Never have you looked so good as when my dishes were so done.
I may or may not get drunk and pee in the sink afterwards...
Totally up to you. And me. Mostly me.
Follow-up posted not two minutes later by Judge Roy Bean.
ALRIGHT, LET’S BE HONEST…
Must love dishes. I'm into cats myself, but I think it was rather misleading to start off with the heading "must love cats", especially when cats don't do dishes.
But you know what does do dishes? You.
I was kidding about the whole peeing in the sink deal. In hindsight I probably could've been a bit more honest. I'm more likely to get drunk and pee in an empty two-liter soda bottle that I keep next to the futon than I am to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen to the sink. Plus, chances are you will still be in the kitchen, drying those dishes ever-so sexily and putting them away in alphabetical order. I wouldn't want to interrupt all that.
If you want to take your shirt off while you do my dishes that would be cool as well.
P.S. Those aren't my dishes--they are just an artistic rendition of what dishes may look like, in case you've forgotten or are just partially retarded.
And the responses start pouring in…
First response:
“Jeez, do your OWN dishes… how old ARE you??? Grow up, dude…. grownups clean their own mess. Are you seriously looking for a woman to do this for you??? Can you say, "MYSOGINIST?"
And grownups also don’t pee in soda bottles because they’re too lazy or drunk to make it to the bathroom. God, how gross and pathetic.
Good luck finding anyone... anyone at all... I'd say your chances are nil....”
Follow-up rebuttal:
Dearest eat-beast,
Thanks to many a formative year spent with ye olde Speak and Spell, I indeed can say “mysoginist” but, due to the latter utility of said child-rearing device, I can also SPELL “misogynist”, something that comes quite handy when illustrating just how stupid of a slut you really are, you stupid slut. Furthermore, I would encourage you to sharpen your skills in regards to logical deduction, as I have two, count’ em “too” or “to”, if you so wish, liter bottles of urine sitting next to my futon that serve as empirical evidence towards you being a stupid slut as well. You stupid slut.
Thankfully my criteria towards getting my dishes done doesn’t include you being a Rhodes scholar, so I guess the only real question here is “Just how fat are you really?” and “Have you taken your shirt off yet?”
Second response:
“you are a disgusting troll”
Follow-up rebuttal:
And you are a filthy animal, my dear. Say, do you know Vinnie Rose? Answer me this: Have you or have you not ever ridden the 47 line bus with mismatched shoes?
That’s what I thought.
Third response:
"What a catch! Just what I always wanted, more dirty dishes! Hope my response doesn't get lost in the avalanche of women tripping over themselves to get to you!"
Follow-up rebuttal:
"I feel a strong connection, a bond if you will, growing between us as I type these very words. I was worried that I may come off as high-maintenance, what with my request that a woman as beautiful as yourself come along and wash my dishes with no promise of late nights spent at Le Colonial or trips to the MAC counter at Nordstrom or bad poetry written in the wake of you eventually sleeping with one of my friends. It is a selfless individual that I seek to share the fruits of my soul with; an individual who is good at dishes and does not go through my wallet in the quiet hours of the night, or at least only steals small bills.
Is this where you show me compromising photos of yourself? I can take a real picture of my dishes if you would like. I believe in no expectations but, furthermore, I believe in honesty. And, honestly, I am two whole feet taller than you in heels, with washboard abs, smart enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to search the internet for girls to spend it on: A regular Adonis of types. With dishes that need to be done. Just what a lazy beast such as you has been searching the internet for all along."
Approximately three weeks later:
MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME: SHOWING YOU HOW YOUR DAD DID IT SINCE 2003
