Club Platinum X

Rating: FIVE "Crackin' Fortune Cookies" BUSTED NUTS

I hate riding the fucking bus.

7:30 in the morning, five days a week, before I even get a cup of coffee in me, I'm surrounded on the meat wagon by a literal drove of slant-eyed sluts. Straight from Chinatown, smelling like a fish tossing exposition, these zipperheads, packed in tighter than a van-full of Mexicans, immediately start in with the touching me and shit--being way too close for comfort, way too close to tolerate. Fingers in my ass, oversized red backpacks in my face, jibber-jabber in my ear--it's more than I care to take from a bunch of dog diners. Mind you, they are all middle-aged to elderly, in fact, there is not a single resemblance beared to hot bitch panhead MIKA TAN or Chinese Fingertrap KEEANI LEI, so I'm sure this plays quite a role in my growing distaste for the morning Hop-Sing...

Cause these canardlys (as in "canardly fucking see where they are driving") are exactly my style--young, hot, be-chested for the most part, not telling me "not read" and "this no library" and "you must pay for that" and "no trouble" when I surprise their Miso Soup flinging asses by busting up the corner pantry or trying to pull the ATM out the side of the wall of their massage parlor through sheer will of drugs. No siree, these are the mythical "take lots of cock, bring you your readin' slippers, and rid your neighborhood of pesky domestic mammals" types of hos.

And that's A-OK with me.

MIKA TAN CONSIDERING SELLING YOU A LEAD-PAINTED PLATE.

Within this DVD, we have 5 grade-A pieces of snizz—the type you can grab by the ankles, spin around your head, and make her whistle from betwixt her legs. MYA LUANNA, MIKA TAN, KEEANI LEI, ASHLEY MARIE (what?), ANASTASIA STARR (come again?) -- these bitches give stellar performances across the board. And they say they aren't whores until you import them?

Highly recommended. — JUDGE ROY BEAN

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