Red Light District

Rating: THREE AND A HALF “how many asses does it take to mix a drink” BUSTED NUTS

CUMFART COCKTAILS 5 is yet more proof that the world of porn needs some cockamamie gimmick to give us good, old-fashioned two-chick-on-one-dude fucking. So be it.

We’re down with almost anything auxiliary that you can throw at us, but sperm squirted out of an anus into an awaiting mouth might be a smidge much. Remember, children, second-hand sperm kills. Also, waiting around while the one chick tries hard to get the cum out, but it gets lost in her butt system, while the other girl offers positive encouragement, is not floating our boat. If it smacks of effort, it sinks.

STEP TWO TO MAKING A CHERRIE ROSE COCKTAIL

Two chicks on one dick is still swinging the balance in our favor, too, especially when that balance has got girls like VELICITY VON and CHERRIE ROSE. Also in this movie is new teen sensation SASHA GREY, paired up with the lurvely VANESSA MONET, although you’d think they could have found a better picture of Grey than this stroke-victim-esque distortion to put on the cover. Whatever, two chicks, one dick. Two chicks, one dicks. Two chicks.... – STEELY ROB

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