Yo Vinnie,
I read your interview with BRANDON IRON with great interest. I, too, am addicted to hookers. One a week. And not the $40 blowjob kind but the escorts. $300 a pop. One a week. Four a month. Yes. It adds up. I'm no beast either. I have a girlfriend (who wants to know why I have no money) and our sex life is great. But the hooker thing has me asking questions not the least of which is, how much longer can I afford this. And I mean "this" from every possible viewpoint. Advice? -- Ho Chi Minh, (by email)

"AND I'MA AIMING TO 'FIND' EACH ONE!!!"

Dear HOOKED ON HOOKERS: Well this is goddamned complex and we ain't so good with, uh, complex. Unless it's a place with a hot tub and utilities included, "complex" usually just means to us that before too long someone's going to be crying. But since that someone's already you we'll see if we can help even if we don't know enough TO help. For example: do you go to the SAME hooker (means you're in love with her)? Or do you never go to the same hooker TWICE (viva le difference)? Do you go BEFORE you've fucked your old lady (hostility)? Or do you go AFTER you've fucked your old lady (you're too nice and cain't tell her she's a lousy lay)?

Questions, questions, and more questions.

And you want answers from US?!?!? You got $1200 a month to blow on broads that you'd never spend a minute with IF you weren't PAYING them and you want answers from us?!?! We're not MIRACLE WORKERS, Jim...we're DOCTORS!!! And as doctors we must say that it seems that your "problem" has less to do with a shoddy and niggardly grasp of the finer points of Hobbesian exchange and much more to do with the fact that you are paid waaaaayyyyy too much. In fact since you can so conveniently be buffalo'd into blowing money on trim, we'll make you an offer: spending HALF that amount buying porn from us, watching it with your old lady to "enrich" your "love making." And, who knows? Perhaps SEEING expertly delivered blowjobs will up her game...at least in regards to expertly delivering blow jobs...thusly will solve this little corner of the world's problems: you're saving money (presuming that was any of your real concern to begin with), she's learning how to suck cock (a useful skill for any aspiring woman) and WE get fucking rich.

Perfect.